Archive | 2012

Kenny Rogers, the Dog

29 May

We found a dog in the park.  Me and Nikol, and this other girl.  Walking in the middle of Elysian Park on this long dirt road, we saw in the distance what looked like a gigantic coyote or a small bear stumbling drunkenly around, digging up shit, and eating sticks.  Getting closer it was just a huge German shepherd. Little beat up but a handsome beast, and with a collar on, so we figured some jerkoff would come jogging up the road behind his Gestapo enforcement dog that he’d let roam free in a public space frequented by small children.

But no.  No one came.  And getting a closer look at the dog he’d been fucked up by something.  Patches of fur falling off, walking funny, and the top half of both ears were missing.  Like he’d tangled with something that had bitten them off; they were just lumpy black skin scabbed over. Continue reading →

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Diary: Light Sleeper

28 May

Fucking morning, fucking mockingbirds, my stupid neighbors with their jug-band bass lines playing all thumpy and loud.  What are they listening to, these white people in their late 20’s or early 30’s who appear to have a college education.  Why does their music sound exactly like what would come out of as late model Dodge Ram pickup truck with spinners on the wheels and a cartoon of Calvin pissing on the logo of some Mexican soccer team on the tinted windows.

Why is their fucking dog barking his head off at something in the three spare minutes I have per day to sit at my desk and write. These – this is what is going to get me thrown in jail. Some animal making some noise at 7:30 in the morning.  I sit at my desk and eat shit all day, suffer indignity after indignity; I go out to parties and bars and people are pricks to me; I just suck it up.  People cut me off in traffic and I don’t flip them off in case they’re some kind of crazy gun-wielding Armenian whose roots in what I can only assume is a goat herding culture run very deep and thus he has to take action on this perceived slight to  honor by cutting me off again after I flip him off and waving a gun in my face.  Or God forbid he’s black.  So I just sit there and eat shit. Continue reading →

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OKCupid: Girls with Kids

27 May

My best friend, whom I met off OKCupid, has a kid.  And I have discovered that I enjoy the fuck out of going over to her house, cooking a 1950’s housewife dinner for her and her kid, and then we all sit around the table talking quietly and politely about how his day was at school and making sure he eats his vegetables.  He’s like fourteen, so, he is close to being a fully formed human being and is at the cusp of a cool time in his life when he will drink his first beer, make out with his first girl, get his heart broken, and etc.  I enjoy spending time with this young man and his mother. It has awakened some deep yearning for domestic life that I never would have suspected.  Now I want to come home every day to a family, have a woman hand me a martini and talk to my son about baseball practice or some other Leave it to Beaver shit.

So I would gladly date a girl with a kid, because at forty grand a year for eleven hours per motherfucking day someone else’s kid is the closest I am ever going to get to this.  But here’s the problem with kids: who is the father.  A girl of dating age who has a child who is fully formed enough to enjoy had them young, which means they were impregnated by someone whose last words will be “hold my beer, watch this.”  Someone with tons of tattoos who had to quit his band because he broke his fingers on some guy’s face and now has to send three hundred dollars per month of his landscaping income to some actress/ waitress. Or a Nicaraguan barback who drives Denzel’s car from Training Day and carries a switchblade and wants to kick your ass. Continue reading →

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Stop Telling Me “Just Go Talk to Her”

26 May

Stop telling me that, you women and gays.  You have no concept of what it’s like to “just go talk to her.”  Just listen to me complain about how I can’t get laid and shut the fuck up.  Don’t tell me about how you would like to be approached and etc.  Don’t even tell me that I’m hot and that if you were single you would be delighted to be approached by me. You are either lying, or you feel that way because you know me, you feel comfortable with me. It is inconceivable to you, the experience of being approached by me for the first time out of the blue. I don’t come off well.  If I even have to consider “just going and talking to her” I’ve already lost.  How can you not know this?  Oh, you’re a woman, you understand nothing. Continue reading →

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You Are Pitiful Insects

25 May

You are pitiful insects and I am some crazy awesome animal like a dragon or something.  Maybe a hybrid dragon/ unicorn.  Something as beautiful as a unicorn, but as fierce and deadly as a dragon. And as cunning as the fox.  But like, a super fox, with extra cunning, even beyond the renowned cunning of an ordinary fox.

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Protected: High Heels

25 May

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Danzig Fires Back

25 May

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Yoga Pants

24 May

No woman in the entire Los Angeles area, outside of those compelled to wear a work uniform, now wears pants. Or a skirt.  The entire cohort of Los Angeles women is now to a one wearing black or dark gray “yoga pants,” which is to say, sheer insubstantial tights.  Of course, they cannot wear underwear with these things.  So you are seeing fully defined, flatteringly compressed ass and pudenda at all times, everywhere you go.  I feel, sometimes, like I must have willed this into existence.

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Advice for Anorexics

24 May

Weigh yourself once a week. 2-3 days before your weighing day stop eating salty food of any kind. The morning of your weighing, do not hydrate yourself. Preferably you should have gone out drinking the night before and made yourself piss like crazy and smoked cigarettes and then woken up in the morning and taken a massive acidic liquidy shit. Then do your longest cardio workout of the week without drinking any water, and weigh yourself afterwards. The whole week you will feel thin.

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My Future Retarded Child

24 May

I am thirty six years old and just at the age where my ball sack is becoming full of retards.  If I met my soul mate TOMORROW I would have kids by age 39 at the very minimum, and I am not going to meet my soul mate tomorrow.  If you extrapolate current trends, I am forecast to meet my soul mate never.  Or even someone who would not get an abortion if I impregnated them.  So by the time I have kids they will be virtually guaranteed to have severe chromosome damage and have to blow themselves around in special wheelchairs.  They will have to wear corrective skull helmets and occasionally have the strength of a bear when startled.  They will probably want to watch LIFE GOES ON reruns constantly.  I’m going to have to buy another television because I need that shit for Xbox. Continue reading →

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