Mother Nature, You Cunt

1 Mar

delaware crown

I desperately want to have sex with Miss Teen Delaware.  Even though she’s the kind of girl who wrecks the one good thing in her life for five hundred bucks from a guy who’s too dumb to turn off the air conditioner when the camera’s rolling.  Five hundred bucks and a free Days Inn towel.  She could be a murderer, but she is three months past her eighteenth birthday with what they call a “neotenous” face.  This is the nonthreatening latinate way of saying all hot women look like little kids.  What does this tell you.  Girls are six and that’s the prettiest they’re ever gonna be.  No pedo.

Her skull didn’t turn all rugged and manly in puberty and she kept her little girl face.  She has between fifteen and twenty five per cent body fat.  She is of the age where if you ejaculated in her at the correct time there’d be a large chance of her conceiving a non-birth-defect-laden baby.  That’s all it takes.  Another girl could have composed a symphony that made me weep or a novel that showed me the true meaning of life and if she had a slightly weird chin it wouldn’t matter.  How young are you, how not fat are you, how much does your face resemble a six year old child.

And even if you had Miss Teen Delaware, you would quickly become bored with Miss Teen Delaware and begin jerking off to Miss Teen Delaware’s eighteen year old ne’er-do-well friends; eventually you’d kill to fuck anybody on the planet besides Miss Teen God Damn Delaware.  You spend your life dreaming of all this pussy you can never have, and once you have it you start dreaming of some other pussy.  This shit is a nightmare, and I’m lucky.  I’m an asshole who contributes nothing to society and there are probably old chicken bones in my rug.  But I’m tall and my jawbone sticks out.  That’s all it takes.

What a fucking drag, man.  What if you could really love and care for somebody and that made you want to fuck them, instead of flinching at every young piece of ass who walked by?  That would be too easy, wouldn’t it.  Mother Nature, you cunt.

13 Responses to “Mother Nature, You Cunt”

  1. Anonymous March 2, 2013 at 12:59 am #

    She fucks like an asian kid finishing a chemistry quiz.

    • Abe March 2, 2013 at 1:10 am #

      Wow. LOL.

  2. Dean Joseph March 2, 2013 at 9:12 am #

    Damn what a waste….She is “neotenous ” though, strictly. That chemistry quiz joke is pure gold. I think she looked disappointed/bored/ashamed through the whole thing. Not a big fan of her feet either.

  3. Dean Joseph March 2, 2013 at 9:13 am #

    Oh yes! Mother Nature is a CUNT sometimes. That’s when I flip her over and hit it from the back.

  4. sylviasarah March 2, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    This whole blog is becoming as formulaic as an episode of House.

    • Anonymous above is a jealous faggot. March 2, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

      As your response to this comment will be as well, you vapid fat fuck.

      • sylviasarah March 2, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

        At least you agree.

      • sylviasarah March 2, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

        But, so I’m clear, I did mean the commenters (myself included), as well.

    • aneroidocean March 2, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

      And yet, House, as formulaic as it is, kicks fucking ass.

      • sylviasarah March 2, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

        Didn’t say it wasn’t one of my favorite shows

  5. L. Roy Aiken March 2, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    “And so we beat off…uh, and so we beat *on*, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” Okay, Mr. Fitzgerald, that’s it, you’re done. We’re calling you a cab….

    On a semi-related note, am I the only who comes across these smug fat chicks who like using that quote attributed to Marilyn Monroe, that bullshit, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”? After first reminding them that they are 50 lbs. and another century of plastic surgery technology away from Marilyn’s goddess-class hotness, I point out that Marilyn was married FIVE TIMES, a situation which inspired the following observation, “Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of her shit.”

    As far as Mother Nature goes, yeah, she’s fucking evil, Imagine being born a rabbit and your sole reason for existence is food for carnivores, with the alternative being life in a cage, leaving that cage only to have shampoo dripped into your eyes or cancer shot into your ass, It could be worse. Hell, you could be the former Miss Teen Delaware, whose life is pretty much over at 18. I was surprised at how tiny her tits are; she’ll never get that boob job now. Fortunately for us, alcohol is still legal. As we are of age to purchase and drink, let us take comfort where we can..

    • Jessica Maisonet March 3, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

      I want to want you, but I can’t…this is some BS. DB. Hypothetically speaking at least.


  1. Coffee Shop Diary: Chelsea | delicioustacos - March 6, 2013

    […] is what would happen if I were in a room with Miss Teen Delaware.  Only the most jaded and soulless man could pull a piece of ass like that.  You can’t get […]

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