Waiting Room Diary: Affordable Care

2 Mar
image stolen from cromedicor.com

image stolen from cromedicor.com

At the doctor’s office. The primary care physician Healthnet assigned me. Cesar Vialpando MD, of the Mi Familia Medical Group. Off Alameda south of 62d. The way here was all Chinese frozen squid warehouses, giant chemical silos.

Waiting room is packed to the gills. Artificial pine paneling. The guy’s desk at reception is just a mass of random papers. They don’t have a computer. It’s Mexico in here. I’m stunned no one has a goat or chicken. Except in Mexico I could have just gone to the Farmacia and bought the cheap pills I need. I have strep throat. All I need Cesar Vialpando MD to do is write a script for penicillin. All I need Healthnet to do is cover this simple trip to to the guy they assigned me. I will leave here with neither of these things.

I’ll have to get into an argument with him. He’ll want to do a culture. 48 hours, lab fees. Look, I’ll say. If it’s a virus, what can you do. Nothing. If it’s bacterial, what can you do. Antibiotics. Why not just give me the fucking antibiotics. Easiest 40 bucks you ever made. I start a new job on Monday. I can’t not show up. I just don’t want to be contagious. That’s all.

I shouldn’t have even come. But I stupidly read about strep on the internet. First I learned: like everything else, it just goes away on its own. There’s a small chance you get scarlet fever, heart infection, etc. But you won’t. If strep really gave you scarlet fever we’d have mountains of scarlet fever corpses. It just goes away. BUT, if you don’t take antibiotics you’re contagious for three weeks.

I don’t want to spread it. For this I will suffer. When you do the right thing, you fuck yourself. You drive an hour in a third world rainstorm and sit hours and hours and hours past your appointment. Pay for needless tests so a guy can rubber stamp what you already knew. Then go and pay through the ass for the pills. Inflated prices for a hundred year old medication. Like every pill it costs one tenth as much in every other country in the world. They make it from fucking bread mold.

And the insurance. When was the last time you went to a doctor and insurance paid? The 32d of Nevuary. Even if they didn’t fuck you up front, with the doctor’s office just telling you they won’t take it. If they say they take it you still get a bill later for the full exorbitant amount. Stern warnings from the billing office advise you that this is YOUR personal responsibility. Maybe insurance pays some day, if you fight and fight and fight. Your wait time… is… forty… nine… minutes. Sir, you have to call a different number, this is PPO patients only… sir, we have no record of this information, we have not received it in writing from the health care provider… calls and letters and deadlines designed to make you give up. Just take the hit to your credit. The claims people get paid extra when they make sure your policy doesn’t do what you bought it for. Insurance exists to fuck you.

But I had to try. I signed up through Obamacare. The plan looked good. I have no doctor so I let them pick. Any doctor whose office you pass by on the way to work, whose facility doesn’t look like a slaughterhouse– they don’t work with your network. They don’t accept new patients. There is one doctor in the entire state who accepts new patients. I’m sitting in his wet pine paneled waiting room with every single new patient for miles.

The doctor who takes new patients doesn’t have a computer. I don’t give a fuck. I just need the pills. Just give me the fucking pills. God, I fucking hope this goes well. I just need ONE THING to work. ONE THING to be easy. Let them take the insurance which tells me this guy is my primary care physician. Let the insurance do what they promise. Don’t let the copay be too high. That’s all I need. Things to work somewhat as advertised.

Why am I even pretending they might.

He’s twenty patients behind and its 5 o’ clock on a Saturday. Please just let him listen. Look man, I just need penicillin. Write it down and I’m out of here. Boom. Next up, Hector Munoz. Gout’s acting up.

Here’s the problem with Obamacare. We need one extreme or the other. Say you have the socialized National Health. Go to the place down the street. Any one, they’re all the same. “I got strep.” Nurse looks at you. Five minute culture. Free penicillin right in the same building. Yes, this creates its own set of hassles. Raises taxes, fucks major industries, etc. Long wait times (actually fuck that– I’m waiting with my private insurance behind half of fucking Oaxaca right now). But it’s everywhere. It’s free. A flawed but good system.

OR– you have complete deregulation. Government hands off. Look up what you have on the internet. Go to CVS. Competing companies drive the penicillin price down. Buck a bag like cough drops. The shit is made from bread mold, for Christ’s sake. Take it for a week. Done. Price is not inflated by having to subsidize a hobo’s ER visit. His five hundred dollar tongue depressors. Import pills from Canada, Mexico, India. No law requires you to hand doctors a stack of cash just for telling you what you already know.

What fucks us is the compromise. Government mandate to buy from private corporations. Uncle Sam forces you to pay rent seeking leeches. The cost of everything mushrooms into the stratosphere. Insurance companies were made to fuck you. They exist to collect premiums and not pay claims. And the president thinks he’s fucking helping you by making you buy it.

More people just keep flooding in. Fortunately one of them is a fat Mexican high school girl. Pink track suit; her ass tells me it’s “Juicy.” I can kill time now. Imagine I’m yanking her black pigtails and pulling her porky little half bald cunt back into me doggystyle. My meatpipe goes cervix deep and she squeals “que rico!” I hope this woman next to me can’t read English.

Anyway. Fuck this shit, seriously. I could have driven to Tijuana and back by now.


The doctor saw me at 7. It was not Cesar Vialpando MD but his wife. Harried but nice. She checked my blood pressure. Sorry you were waiting so long, she said. We got 5,000 patients from Healthnet off Obamacare. We checked a box saying we took new people. We were literally the only one. Do you smoke, do you drink. What seems to be the problem.

I got strep, I said. Or I think I do. I just want a script for penicillin so I don’t spread it. I know you’re supposed to do a culture–

By the time Healthnet authorized the labs you’d be cured or dead. Here you go.

And there it was. Golden ticket. Do you know if my insurance will co–

Probably. But insurance price will be ten or fifteen bucks. Same as your copay. Ask for the cash price. Should be four bucks.

They charged me three bucks for the office visit, out of pity. I walked into the night humming a victory song.

All it took was three hours there. One hour driving. One hour on the phone at the first doctor’s office I tried days earlier. Had to have Healthnet fax proof of policy since they never sent a card. Six 1 800 numbers. Five variations of I’m sorry. That is not a valid option… goodbye (click). The fax finally spits it out. The doctor says oh, we no take HMO. You have to see your primary care.

One hour on the Healthnet web site trying to change my primary care doctor. One night waiting for the change to “take” since the web site said you did this successfully. Check in the morning and it’s back to Cesar Vialpando MD. The only one taking new patients. Fine. Call his office, a guy answers and tells you he has nothing to do with Cesar Vialpando MD and you should call back tomorrow. Saturday. Appointment at 4, they see you at 7.

Still. It’s a miracle. The doctor didn’t bullshit me. I’ll keep her as my primary care physician.

All it took was eight hours of tedium and rage. Hundreds of dollars in premiums. To cure a bacterial infection with a century-old chemical made from moldy Wonder bread.

Thank God the system works.

26 Responses to “Waiting Room Diary: Affordable Care”

  1. Lee Holloway March 2, 2014 at 12:08 pm #

    Just the other day someone I know told me that when he gets sick and requires antibiotics he goes to the pet store and buys Triple Sulfa fish antibiotics and eats them. I thought he was kidding. He was not.

    • Christy March 3, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

      I’ve heard of that, too. A lot of survivalist types advocate “fish-mox” and “fish-flox” to have on hand. Also, people who can’t afford to visit a doctor every time they get sick. I guess it works, if your friend is still around!

  2. Dorktor Jimmy Brungus March 2, 2014 at 12:19 pm #

    OK some things you can do next time, ya dingus:
    Ask the Dr for samples of the antibiotics, they usually have them around the office.

    Or, buy a few extra batches of em online / in Mexico
    Good ones:
    Zithromax (azithromycin) will kill fucking anything
    Amoxicillin (straight up penicillin)
    Ceftin (cefuroxime)

    But you gotta be careful, antibiotics Cipro and Levaquin might cause tendon tears
    So do your homework re: side effects. This shit’s only my opinion, doye.

    Or, start dating a pharmaceutical rep. They’re usually hot so as to entice middle-aged MDs
    to sign up for the Pfizer poison du jour. Always a plus.

    Feeya Health

    • Shoulda March 6, 2014 at 11:06 am #

      Shoulda called him Deldingus Tacosh

  3. Lou Bernoulli March 2, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

    You understand what’s wrong with US healthcare. Few do, even though it’s insanely obvious. Single payer is worse than you think, but you’re well in the ballpark. And the only “whole industry” it would really fuck would be health “insurance”, which is purely parasitic. Creates no value whatsoever. 10% of them could be hired by the nightmarish government healthcare bureaucracy. The rest would just have to look for real jobs. There aren’t any and they’re too stupid to do real work anyhow, but that’s no reason to keep giving them 1/4 of the economy every year or whatever it is. Besides, most of them are women. Stay home and take care of your own goddamn kids, you dizzy whores, instead of playing fake office worker in a bullshit industry while you pay hungover retarded girls with crushing college debt minimum wage to let the janitor molest your children.

    Fuck this country, i’m moving out in the woods, have six kids, and homeschool them. They’ll discover TV when they’re 18 and be sucking cock for drug money within a year. But my genes will survive, it doesn’t matter how shitty their lives are.

    • Atlanta Man March 2, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

      in a nutshell, you are correct.

  4. Atlanta Man March 2, 2014 at 9:34 pm #

    Funny, when you were unemployed, drinking ,smoking heroin, taking pills and sleeping with random women of OK cupid you were healthy as a horse. Quit drinking, cease the drugs,and get a job you immediately contract Strep. Get back on the sauce man, problem solved!

    • bnbien March 3, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

      agreed. surprised DT got sick. don’t recall other posts mentioning illness. aside from the head injury.

      alcohol & smokes shock the system into upping one’s immunity.

      healthy living ironically makes you weaker.

      i usually feel invincible after a night of drinking and sex with loose women. sleep at 4am, wake up at 9am fresh as morning dew.

      • God Hates Fags March 23, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

        Whenever I read Ben’s comments, all I hear is “fag fag fag fag I’m a fag fag fag this is how fags talk talk talk because i’m a fag fag fag fag.”

  5. Paul Murray March 2, 2014 at 9:49 pm #

    Note that the system screws over the doctors, too. They spend their time trying to make goddamn insurance companies pay up. An entire class of people is employed whose job it is to find ways to deny people coverage. Sick, sick, sick. BAd for everyone, except the few people who own the government-granted monopolies in the insurance sector.

    • unpluggedbeta March 3, 2014 at 2:16 am #

      Worse, doctors have to hire people just to help them navigate the mountain of paperwork the bloodsucking degenerates at the insurance companies demand.

      No doctor goes through the bullshit of medical school and residency so he or she can waste time filling out mountains of paperwork only to get screwed over by medicaid and insurance companies anyway.

      • Mr. X March 5, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

        Oh, boo fucking hoo for those poor, underpaid, underprivileged medical doctors having to take a pay cut from $400K – $500K per year all the way down to $300K – $400K per year, or, if you are a surgeon, from $1 million a year to $750K per year. Yeah, life is so fucking tough and unfair for those cocksucker doctors in their motherfucking mansions with their faggoty Porsches, Maseratis, Ferraris, and Aston Martins in fucking Brentwood, Beverly Hills, San Marino, Newport Beach, Pacific Palisades, Westchester County, White Plains, Evanston, Winnetka IL, Marin County, Walnut Creek, Moraga, Piedmont, Palo Alto, Mountain View, Napa, Santa Barbara, La Jolla, and Bellevue, WA.

        So much mean, nasty, hard, pushy paperwork. Waaaaaah!! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Boo motherfucking hoo.

        Fucking idiot.

  6. Ben motherfucking Bien March 3, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

    don’t want strep? next time don’t swallow.

    life dickslaps you with one chore after another.

    time to deep-throat a revolver i bought at a 25% off discount from Big 5.

    but then…wait…there’s still the birds, the trees, the sky, the mountains.

    • Anonymous March 4, 2014 at 11:22 am #

      Either Ben-Ben went off his Meds-Meds,
      or that’s the sickest fucking troll I’ve ever seen.
      Scarf a bowl of dick, jerk. Use a dick for a spoon.
      Deepthroat a runny stool for dessert.

  7. Hunt Gather Write March 5, 2014 at 11:30 am #

    Socialist healthcare in England really is much better. Although the Conservatives are doing their best to change that.

  8. Anonymous March 5, 2014 at 11:30 pm #

    That’s an awful lot of whiny ass complaining, both in this post and in these comments, about something you are getting for free, you self-entitled, pansy-assed losers.

    Get a job. Get some ambition. Do something with your lives. You people suck and suck hard.

    • Anonymous March 7, 2014 at 12:59 am #

      Blow me.

      • Anonymous March 7, 2014 at 3:04 am #

        I don’t have the ambition to blow you.

  9. Zelcorpion March 6, 2014 at 11:23 am #

    Just research orthomolecular medicine and vitamin high dosage therapies – doctoryourself.com via Dr. Andrew Saul. Nobel Laureates like Linus Pauling knew about it. You could have achieved the same results with pure vitamin C – good producer – Swanson, Now Foods or better. You can even take pure l-ascorbic acid powder and it works 100% the time. Dosage can be found on the Titration chart by Dr. Cathcart from the 1980s on doctoryourself.com.

    That way you mainly need a doctor when having an accident. Most diseases can be treated quite easily. Why it’s not available and seen in mainstream medicine you may ask? Well – companies would earn a few cents on vitamin c powder and the application is sooo incredibly easy that after a time most people would not even need a visit for most diseases. I am not talking about vitamin C only, but also other vitamins and minerals that can be applied for health and healing even curing the so-called incurable diseases.

    There is always another Red-Pill in our world. Manosphere has one and our current profit-based medical system has a Blue-Pill-System too.

    • Anonymous March 7, 2014 at 3:03 am #

      Makes perfect sense to me.

  10. Bonehead March 7, 2014 at 8:14 am #


    Perhaps you need to Start drinking again. That entry was totally devoid of humor.

    • Anonymous March 13, 2014 at 9:08 am #

      Is he dead? No new blog for a while now…

    • DT Fan March 15, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

      Not every post must be riotously funny. I for one liked this post.

  11. Can I Get A Refund On This Rape-Whistle? March 13, 2014 at 11:16 am #

    “Dr. Fistfuck McAssprolapse’s Unnecessary Surgery Cabana and Date-Rape Theme Park”, a new dramedy series about life, death, rape, and life, coming this fall to ABC Primetime!!!


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