Job Search Diary: Partners in Career Excellence

26 Jun
image stolen from

image stolen from

I can’t fucking do it anymore. Used to sit with craigslist in one tab, OKCupid in another. Apply for jobs, apply for pussy. It worked ’cause it was half fun. Now it’s just the jobs. Secretarial shit. Every good one is fake; they’re recruiting agencies. They call and you go in in your bad suit and take a test. How fast can you type. How good are you at Powerpoint. Anyone who uses Powerpoint should be killed. Meet a gray woman who tells you tone down your resume. Take off the executive stuff. Places don’t hire if they think you want a future.

Get to the fucking robots already. There is no job in the world now that is useful. Every place is selling fake shit that people don’t need. Or they’re a fake middleman who leeches off some other company that also does nothing. Finance. Law. Insurance. There is one real industry: protect and expand rich people’s inherited money. The rest, parasites on parasites.

How fast can you type. Not as fast as a robot. How well can you use Powerpoint. Uh… what is there to know? I have no idea how to use fucking Powerpoint. I’ll google it. What knowledge on Earth is Powerpoint good for? What Powerpoint presentation have you ever seen that wouldn’t be better as one short email? Powerpoint is a torture instrument. It’s there to remind you that you can be called in to a room against your will, forced to sit around a pressboard table with a nice veneer; expensive view but the blinds are closed and a stupid person you hate tells you platitudes and reads numbers you won’t remember. No one wants to be there. No one wants to know these things and there’s nothing to know anyway. Numbers are down. We need to make up for it. Numbers are up. We need to expand into more markets. We have this much money, which means: we need more. Which means you need to work more. Lie more.

Aptitude tests. Without changing the view, change slide 3 to the “Concourse” theme. Use the Tooltip to learn which theme is “Concourse.” Using macros, insert a field which auto-fills email addresses for a mail merge. I have no fucking idea how to do any of this. I feel stupid. But on my first day of the job I could google it like anyone else. The fact is I’m way smarter than any other candidate. I had the shit beat out of me by the worst asshole bosses in the world for a decade. So: I’ll eat shit and ask for more. I am a model employee.

But there are no jobs. Just recruiting firms posting fake jobs to get middleman money. Middlemen for middlemen for middlemen.

Please allow 1.5 hours for the interview and instructional video. The video is about safety and professionalism. Don’t wear long earrings. Don’t hold a box in front of your face when you walk down stairs. The recruiter can get sued if I hurt myself, I take it. No sex stuff, sadly. Remember to be punctual for interviews, it says. Jesus Christ. Remember to wipe thoroughly so your ass doesn’t smell. Don’t lean over the shredder with long earrings on and get your head sucked into the blades, stupid. Look up from the screen and focus on a distant object every fifteen minutes, retard. You will now take a brief test. Change the title of slide 4 to “Revenue.” True or false: you should never use your personal car for work errands. True or false: filling out your time card is important. True or false: fire can hurt you.

Longevity in past positions is important, their ads tell me. Longevity in past positions destroyed my youth. Made me want to murder people. Longevity in past positions made those past positions slip into my dreams every fucking night. Bird outside my window shrieking in the voice of my boss. I’d forgotten something, I’d fucked up… I’m sorry, I’m sorry… Longevity in past positions is a fucking joke now anyway– don’t you know what year it is? Work promises you nothing. There is no pension, no union, no law that says they can’t fire you. We’re an “at will employment” state, which makes a sick joke out of the word “will.” I don’t have that much longevity in my past positions now but trust me, trust me, sir, I’m a spineless coward; I need money, I will eat shit and lick your boots and be scared of you, you can make me watch Powerpoint. Please.

Same ads over and over. Executive Assistant for Leading Global Consulting Firm. Leading Private Equity Firm. Leading Global Creative Firm. You will be responsible for coordinating the engagements of staff and streamline crucial aspects of business activity. The senior leader is seeking to partner up with a candidate that will demonstrate the flexibility and eagerness to take on a dynamic and multi-faceted role. This is an outstanding opportunity to make a strong impact within a multi-national firm and foster professional relationships with high-level clients and contacts. What? What the fuck does that mean? It’s the sort of shit Powerpoint people say. It means: we want someone to answer the phone. If they have enough money it’ll be an Asian chick. If they’re flush she’ll have a British accent.

Burn the world to the ground. Go back to the way it was. Pull food from the dirt and fuck your cousin and your teeth fall out and you die. Now you burn your eyeballs out battling to suck corporate dick and the only good news is the next tab is unwanted creampie videos.

16 Responses to “Job Search Diary: Partners in Career Excellence”

  1. Soinclined June 26, 2014 at 5:15 pm #

    You left out the bit where somebody tells you to go back and get a STEM degree, or my personal favorite, move to South Dakota. Jobs everywhere, you’re just not bootstrappy enough, they tell me as my savings dwindle to nothing.

    • Anonymous June 26, 2014 at 6:06 pm #

      Maybe you should’ve listened, dumbshit.

  2. ‘Reality’ Doug June 26, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

    You mean I’m not crazy? ‘Cause that’s how I see ‘Muricans playn adult.

  3. bucky June 26, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

    you have a bachelors, right? ever think about the peace corps? it’ll keep a roof over your head. i did 2.5 years in ukraine from 2002 to 2005. best years of my life (no joke). unfortunately, ukraine is no longer an option but i imagine there are many other lovely countries available.

  4. L. Roy Aiken June 26, 2014 at 9:22 pm #

    “There is one real industry: protect and expand rich people’s inherited money. The rest, parasites on parasites.” Of all the blogs and pages on the internet, this is the one place where I see this most basic Truth uttered. And this was just one nugget in a gold rush of Truths too often unspoken, because slaves tend to attack the fellow among them who dares to point out that they’re nothing more than slaves, It’s the ultimate in political incorrect truth-telling. Well done, sir. And good fucking luck.

  5. Atlanta Man June 26, 2014 at 9:30 pm #

    Before medical school I was a lawyer, took the bar while Bear Sterns was collapsing. There were no jobs, nothing, zip, zero. Temp work here and there but you were treated like dirt, and monkeys could do what I was doing. The last gig I had before I said fuck it and went to med school was a mortgage review gig where I worked with high school graduates who were getting paid more than I was. I hated math and science which is why I went to law school in the first place, but shit is so bad out there I bit the bullet and now know that cadavers smell like chicken. DT I wish I had words of encouragement but the economy is bleak, at least you are getting laid….

    • Noppe June 27, 2014 at 1:38 am #


  6. Can I Get A Refund On This Rape-Whistle? June 27, 2014 at 7:10 am #

    Yet another great post, DT. It presents an excellent example of your use of content-streamlining to promote a visual interface between you and your readers, by demonstrating the crucial synergy between value-driven context and user-friendly flexibility of function. By commenting on your post, we are all coordinating a multi-location engagement of internet resources and utilising outside-the-box thinking to proactively approach new paradigms in the blog commenting industry. Thank you again, DT, for troubleshooting the various issues that arise during the commenting process, from initial intake through comment resolution. This demonstrates your professional-level ability in the use of flexibility in order to leverage resource-related dynamism whilst multi-tasking.

    With your adherence to synergistic, non-paradigmatic business tactics, I believe that you will have an excellent opportunity to employ proactive stratagems to generate revenue for a multi-national leader in the blogging and blog-commenting industries, where you will foster professional relationships with high-level clients, contacts, and repeatedly rape she-goats in the fountain situated on our office’s front lawn as you slit their throats and revel in shrieking, blood-drenched satanic ceremonies.

    And that’s why this year’s proactively structured merger is going to benefit shareholder wealth by synergistically creating value-driven content. Hail the Goat!

    • Atlanta Man June 27, 2014 at 10:21 am #

      That just about covers all the corporate double speak bullshit right there.

    • jeff June 27, 2014 at 11:51 am #

      Seriously you are probably working for the same company I do. Except we have to share goats.

    • BJM (@CRUNKPOPEYE) July 3, 2014 at 6:28 am #

      This is why LinkedIn gives me the creeps. Robotic corporate jargon hell.

  7. “Thank you for calling The Fistfuck Anus Company. Your call is important to us. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed. Para español, oprima el dos. For anal fistfucking, press 1. For all other orifices, press 3. For arm-length rubber gloves, press 6. To speak to a representative, please go fuck yourself.”

  8. Michelle Morgan July 2, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

    “The fact is I’m way smarter than any other candidate.” They don’t want you to be smart. They want you to conform, be silent, have large fake boobs in a tight size 00 sweater.


  1. Job Search Diary: Partners in Career Excellence | - June 26, 2014

    […] Job Search Diary: Partners in Career Excellence […]

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    […] As you can see, money plays a great role in one’s shitty life; hence, the first strand, work, which, at least in the modern world, is a soul-destroying whirlwind in which everyone is selling something to some other salesman: […]

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