Birthday 2015

24 Feb


39. Weird age to be a childless man looking for a secretarial job. Alone in a filthy apartment with a cat. Weird age to explain to employers why you’re looking for such a shitty job. Well look, I tell them. I have other shit in my life. My career is not who I am. If you hire me, I will be of service to the best of my ability. My ability is phenomenal. More than yours, I think. I’m smarter than you and better than you. Yet somehow I have no money. On the other hand: we’re all just polyps in a coral. Leaves of grass. Bees in a hive. Whateverthefuck metaphor you want to use. I’m no better than a flagellate in a Petri dish. This makes me happier than anything. I could die this minute. The effect on the universe would be nothing. People would be sad, but they too die. Soon it’ll be like I was never there. That is such a relief. It’s no great waste therefore if I spend the whole day jerking off. By 4pm I’ve switched to horse porn. There are surprisingly few where the horse actually nuts in a girl’s pussy. Horse porn auteurs: too detached from their audience. Do you offer health insurance.

8 Responses to “Birthday 2015”

  1. whatarandomfuckingguy February 24, 2015 at 11:25 am #

    Happy Birthday, stranger. Happy is a stupid word anyway.

    • Col. Tigh February 24, 2015 at 1:35 pm #

      Happy birfday. One year closer to oblivion, yay!

  2. intro February 24, 2015 at 8:41 pm #

    thanks for making me feel better about my miserable life. keep your head up.

  3. Your Mom February 25, 2015 at 6:35 am #

    We love you lilttle polyp.

  4. Atlanta Man March 4, 2015 at 2:54 pm #

    39, it is the year you feel 40 the entire time. I remember when Empire Records was a great movie, porn stars were considered young at 25 years old, Molly was called ecstasy, girls still had pubic hair, The Real World was the only reality show on television, Mariah Carey played a white version of her hits on VH 1 and a hip hop (same song with a verse by a popular rapper) on MTV and BET, I still used condoms, and Tupac and Biggie were both alive and Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer were popular in my lifetime. Girls get naked and make out with their girlfriends take pictures and post it on the internet for free nowdays. We are old DT, we are old.Remember when fucking an 18 year old hottie was not a big deal because you were 18, I miss that shit…reckless youth.

  5. knight in shining harmer March 5, 2015 at 9:21 am #

    I’m starting to feel the same way about being without children at 30. I don’t really want any and yet….

  6. Ms. Ogynist July 6, 2015 at 4:19 pm #

    yo do you mind if i use this as copypasta for my cover letter


  1. Birthday 2015 | - February 24, 2015

    […] Birthday 2015 […]

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