If It Flies Floats or Fucks

28 Dec

image stolen from macmcentire.com

She has nowhere to go. Stop making your readers think I’m a hooker, she says. Will you please buy me a plane ticket.

And I do. It’s cheap, a hundred bucks. And I’m a trick for doing it. But who fucking cares. In six weeks I’ll turn forty. Nothing left to prove with pussy. I look like the fucking chamberlain from the Dark Crystal. Never had money. I’ve had the shittiest, most debased jobs; spinach pickers are cooler than me. Went to the shittiest schools for pussy. Lived in the shittiest towns for pussy. Walk around feeling my gangliness, ugliness, stupidity, weird voice weird face small penis like a cigarette burning the back of my neck since I turned six fucking years old and I’ve still got more pussy than anybody. I’ve fucked like god damn Caligula. The Floyd Mayweather of pussy. No fun to watch but I am un fuckin defeated.

Now, ease into being a sugar daddy. A hundred bucks. Unquestionable grade A piece of ass in my house. She grew up middle class but fucks like a ward of the state. Walk with her down the street. Have guys look at me, think I’m cool. Pretend she’s my wife. Have her listen to me. Tolerate me. I get to sleep next to somebody and be touched. A good deal.

We’ll say I love you. Talk about making it work. Pretend it goes somewhere. That’s what I’m paying for. Feeling that it has a future. Paying for pussy: absurd. When my last date told me her dad beat her I took her home and choked her out with a finger in her ass. Made her look in the mirror. We’d known each other sixty minutes. Pussy is free. Love you have to buy. Buy it with charm, fame, or just money. Whatever it is, better have more than her.

I make her write every day. Only way I know to help her. Only way to make her respect me. She’s good. And she’s a hot girl. Year from now she’ll be famous. I’ll wave as she rolls up the limousine window. She’ll forget me when she eclipses me. Women have to lose. When they win you make them sick.

Relax. Channel your love into compassion. Be a good host. Show a good time. Get her mind off problems. Love her like a friend. Like someone you can help. If you love her like a girlfriend she’ll kill you. Last time she almost fucked the guy who wrings out dishrags at the corner bar. Broke your heart a little. This time, who knows. She could get hooks in you. Destroy hope that you can love again. After all it’s full GFE.

18 Responses to “If It Flies Floats or Fucks”

  1. Kevin Smith's sweaty taint December 28, 2015 at 8:37 pm #

    Only problem with relying on hookers is they tend not to be very attractive. Counterintuitive, but if you think about it it makes perfect sense. Hot young women have so much social and financial power in our society that they don’t need to sell their asses.

    • Your a dumbass December 28, 2015 at 8:57 pm #

      If you think hookers are ugly, you either have crap taste. Or you are a Jew who won’t spend money on quality tail.

      The hottest women are for sale. Just check Instagram for “international published models” and “make up artists” based in Las Vegas.

    • Ben December 30, 2015 at 9:53 pm #

      Take it from someone who has paid $60 – $250 for whores during my times of severe thirst/lack of game:

      $100 bucks to fly her in so she can fuck and cuddle with you is a deep bargain. If she’s hot as you claim, then she’s probably just bored and too afraid to go full pro. Filling her ennui by cock-teasing you with a GFE.

      And yes, the pros tend to be better looking but are obviously more expensive. The uglier, more busted ones are the discounted ones.

      It sounds like she has more things to worry about than the fact that your readers think she’s a hooker (we do).

      If it makes her feel any better we can refer to her as an Instagram Model/Aspiring Actress/Entertainment Professional.

  2. Atlanta Man December 28, 2015 at 9:40 pm #

    Please fuck her in the ass. Start by using too much lube for vagina sex, slip a finger in her ass while hitting it doggy style, then “accidentally” slip the head of your dick in her ass. Then just go full bore anal while you pull her hair and pound that shit like you own it,or in this case leased it. Wait till she is drunk and go for it!

    Also, glad you got the hot girl back in your world-Fuck her down, get athletic on the pussy,lord knows you have put the time in in the gym. If she thinks you are going to be gentle sexually because you are in love with her, disabuse her of those false notions. Excelsior!

    • Nikolai Vladivostok December 29, 2015 at 12:33 am #

      Atlanta Man’s back.

    • BEN December 30, 2015 at 12:50 am #

      welcome back, Atlanta Man–your commentary was missed.

      if it flies, it’s a bird
      if it floats, it’s a turd
      if it fucks, best of luck.

      the “dick pussy money” game as DT puts it…will always rage on.
      whether or not you participate, how many $ points you accrue, and what hole you prefer—that’s a matter of personal preference.

      i’ve recently found renewed appreciation for getting an enthusiastic BJ, after being with someone who thinks she’s above sucking cock.

      guess it’s time to move on to the next contestant.

  3. Atlanta Man December 28, 2015 at 9:46 pm #

    Dark Crystal rocked!

  4. oscarchambers December 29, 2015 at 10:18 am #

    You are going to fall in love because she is hot. When I bang hot girls I kiss them and start to fall for them, then they start to resent you because you start giving a fuck. Try to hate her a little bit , especially when you fuck her. Remember she is going to leave again, hate fuck her good and hard.

    • James Maxcockington January 5, 2016 at 7:26 pm #

      Excellent words, oscarchambers.

      DT: post, bro, post. I would also like to second the so-called advice of a fellow commenter, which was to focus on something beyond the present worries you find yourself engaged in. Current events, or fun stories from your past, or meditations on nearby objects*, perhaps?

      *Not the chair that you’re looking at that you fucked some slut on — go outside first.

  5. oscarchambers December 29, 2015 at 10:19 am #

    Atlanta Man is a fag. Don’t ass fuck her, throat fuck her.

  6. Bam December 29, 2015 at 11:41 am #

    I want to know if the cum face from the linked article is the actual cum face from that particular encounter. For science.

  7. Bam December 29, 2015 at 12:02 pm #

    Oh, and if you ever fucked a guy for money, or anything material for that matter, you are a hooker. Who cares anyway?

  8. SCROTUS December 29, 2015 at 11:00 pm #


  9. oscarchambers December 31, 2015 at 12:07 pm #

    What happened to the homosexual shitty poet she was with? That dude was a real bitch, and his poetry sucked really bad. It was awful prose and meaningless at the same time, a rare combination of dog and horse shit flowed freely from his pen.

    • Ben January 1, 2016 at 12:35 pm #

      he’s a no-name faggot who has to masquerade behind some other famous french poet’s name. forget about it and move on.

      Happy New Year to all my fellow DT readers.

      May your 2016 be filled with teen pussy, freedom and gold.

  10. Anonymous August 5, 2022 at 12:05 am #

    This is literally so fucking bad I’m in physical pain omfg


  1. If It Flies Floats or Fucks | Manosphere.com - December 28, 2015

    […] If It Flies Floats or Fucks […]

  2. That Pussy Will Cost You | delicioustacos - January 16, 2016

    […] fucking argument I have to have with my sponsor over Angela coming. He’ll be right; it’s indefensible. Stupid on its face to have this insane thirty four […]

Leave a Reply to oscarchambers Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: