The Fleas

9 Apr

image stolen from

Haven’t slept well. The god damn fleas are killing me. Have to do work to take care if it. Fine. This is an opportunity. Clean the house. Take care of yourself– no. Fuck this, fuck all of this, fuck the Earth. We need more terrorism, more war. More Nazis, more racism, more mass rapes, more child slavery. More school shootings more North Korean nukes. Can something fucking good happen today please. It won’t. You have to make your own luck. What a pain in the ass.

My cat died. His fleas have had ten generations to develop into fiends that crave human flesh. Crawl under the blankets half dead at night and there’s tickling in my leg hairs. Look under the sheets with my iPhone flashlight. Dozens of them feasting on the fat blue veins snaking around my ankle bones.

I looked them up. They’re hard to kill. Why is every other organism so superior. I could die from tripping on a tree root. Fleas can lay dormant for 50 years. They wake up, fuck once, impregnate a flea woman with 1,000 more fleas. Fleas can jump the equivalent of 300 yards. Fleas’ exoskeletons, like 3 inch steel plate. Fleas have 9 inch cocks. They turn into men at night and ruin your girl’s pussy. Fleas have small noses and 10,000 Tinder matches. Fleas all have book deals. 30,000 twitter followers. Fleas are luminaries in “alt” literary movements and have appeared in the New Yorker. Fleas sit in back of your AA meeting with the one hot girl you spotted three weeks ago and thought you had a shot with. The only sober Asian under 30. The flea looks like John F. Kennedy and you’re an uglier James Cromwell. Fleas have bought and held Vangaurd ETFs since age 25 and have no terror of retirement. Fleas flirt with the barista effortlessly and she makes an effort back and forgets the 1,000 scintillating times you ordered cocoa. Fleas can squat past parallel without their leg bones creaking like they’re about to have Joe Theisman’s compound fracture. Which was from a flea flicker.

They get on my computer at night. Leave nasty Amazon reviews. Comments on my web site. Punch up your writing more, they tell me. Listen faggot– you go write some shit. You could practice for a thousand years and never approach what I pull out of my ass. From now on one comment is allowed: I’m a woman, fuck me. I look forward to your feedback.

Where the fuck are my spiders now. My cereal box is full of silverfish. Back of the toilet aswarm with house centipedes. They do jack shit. They don’t eat a single flea. Just their own mates and young. My predatory arthropods: fucking bums. Like having a lion infestation, still being constantly gored by wildebeest.

20 Responses to “The Fleas”

  1. Stop crying like a fag April 9, 2016 at 3:05 pm #

    You keep whining about your cat like a total faggot.

    • Spartacus April 9, 2016 at 3:58 pm #

      Actually no, I get that: I had to put my cat down a couple of years ago; it fucked me up for months, but you get over it.

      I’m Spartacus, please fuck me.

      • That's because your a fag April 9, 2016 at 9:58 pm #

        See subject title.

  2. Lee Holloway April 9, 2016 at 3:45 pm #

    I’m a woman, fuck me.

  3. Anonymous Comment April 9, 2016 at 3:54 pm #

    I’m not a woman, please don’t fuck me.

    P.S. good poast man, you really made me visualize fleas being all alpha and completely manhandling you and such. If you stop writing I’ll get sad. The way you got sad when ALLCAPSBRO disappeared.

  4. Nikolai Vladivostok April 9, 2016 at 5:54 pm #

    I had a similar problem with a stubborn cockroach infestation. Just killing the odd one when I saw it didn’t solve the problem.
    I did a lot of research and developed a grudging respect for the little bastards. They can live for months without food and for a week without water. Mostly they do nothing all day, just stay hidden and are therefore hard to kill. Even if you squash or poison all of them their eggs will hatch a month later and back they come. Cockroaches are perfectly adapted to survive, as a colony, in a hostile and unstable environment.
    Eventually I got rid of them by using a consistent, multi-pronged approach over a number of months. This is what H.G. Wells called the ‘Spirit of Man’, though the original context was fighting Martians.
    As for the Vanguard ETFs – ha, that flea is me. Fuck I love money. It’s my favourite thing in the world. It’s better than sex because it can BUY sex. Looking at my investments actually makes me get an erection. But like sex, I always wish I could have more.
    And then the comments – moderate! Imagine if you could just press a button to moderate fleas. The things would be extinct. You don’t have to feel bad about moderating fatherless fifteen year old boys who were brutally beaten and raped by a succession of their mother’s boyfriends throughout their early childhood. Let them amuse themselves by posting gore manga on Jezebel instead.

    • bowler hat April 10, 2016 at 6:44 am #

      more details on the roach solution, please.

      i have a bit of a problem, expect it to worsen come summertime

  5. Hugs for Thugs April 9, 2016 at 8:13 pm #

    By pissing off DickTogs in the comments section, we are actually improving his site. Eventually he’ll get so annoyed he’ll do something about it, like install a better commenting plugin. Sometimes you need a proverbial fire lit beneath your ass to really get motivated, whether that fire is fleas or annoying comments.

    P.S. fag

  6. Hugs for Thugs April 9, 2016 at 8:16 pm #

    In case she still reads this section:

    Angela is a worthless whore and her shit-colored pussy probably feels like stale, day-old oatmeal. Your oneitis is relateable but it makes you sound like a huge beta-fag-pussy-wimp.

    Go fuck a proper 19 year old with taut, pale skin and stop dumpster diving for bargain-bin snatch. You deserve better than some skank who treats you like a walking credit card.

    • Your still a fag April 9, 2016 at 10:00 pm #

      Angela is that oriental girl, right? Who cares. Anyone pussy whipped over oriental pussy is truly a fag.

    • Hadji April 9, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

      Hey guys Hajj here. The 12 year old in Kabul? Yep I’m still chained to this goddamned bed and getting ass fucked by my stinking shit breath owner.Life sucks,fags? All depressed an shit? Well fuck YOU! Hey they still hiring at Uber?

  7. Female Anime Face (@AgainstYT) April 10, 2016 at 12:08 am #

    Could be worse. You could have bedbugs, been trying to get rid of those fuckers for ages

  8. Atlanta Man April 10, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

    The same shit happened to my brother when his cat died, the fleas were attacking him with a vengeance. When you looked at the ground closely you could see those little fuckers jump. My brother engaged in brutal chemical warfare to exterminate those little shits once and for all. Prepare for mortal combat to rid yourself of those fleas, and do not hesitate to gas those fuckers!

    Gas the fleas, species war now!

  9. Michael Balzary April 11, 2016 at 6:08 am #

    Great title.

  10. HUGS for THUGS - Urban Outreach & Violence Reduction Program April 11, 2016 at 2:18 pm #

    You’re the greatest writer in all of recorded human history.

    P.S. The fleas came from Angela’s degenerate whore-patch—Not your cat. Don’t blame Bud. It is wrong to speak ill of the dead. Problems have solutions. Focus your mind for 1 hour on figuring out how to get rid of the flea problem and move on with your life. You have a certified pre-owned Subaru. You are gainfully employed at a company that provides data-driven solutions for targeted marketing @ #millennials. Things are looking up.


  11. Jack Donovan April 12, 2016 at 2:36 pm #

    I’m gay, but I prefer “Androphile”, fuck me.

    You can be top or bottom. Or we can go sideways for full egalitarian experience.

  12. Ben April 13, 2016 at 3:07 pm #

    Delicious Tacos you are the greatest living writer ever to have existed since the invention of Cuneiform and your words will revolutionize the way individuals see themselves and each other within this grand scheme called the Universe/Omniverse.

    Godspeed my fellow recovering addict.


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