I Haven’t Had an Intelligent Thought in Five Years

15 Jan


Jesus Christ I’m a middle aged man living alone in a one bedroom apartment with no door on the oven. I used to say a dirty toilet but you can eat off it now. I have an app where a different maid comes every month. Never anyone you’d fuck. Nowhere is there ever anyone you’d fuck. Life is work, AA meetings… the gym. Well there are girls at the gym and why don’t you talk to them. Because I’m a pitiful insect. Not rich not famous. I have saddlebags now. Double digit body fat; not fully visible obliques– I’m a hog, in other words. Occasionally a decent writer but that just means girls who don’t live near me want to fuck an imaginary version of me. Who do I have– a married woman in SF, college professor back East. A Chinese girl who lives in Switzerland now because she’s rich. Various red state types. Actually there’s a lot of girls who would fuck me from my stupid web site. So this paragraph that was meant to be a complaint actually makes things look pretty good. 1500 die hard fans contains at least 15 girls who are good looking. I’m pissed none of them has sucked me off this morning.

I’m masturbating to OKCupid profiles. Slightly thick Asian topless from the back in bikini bottoms. Another pic from the chest up; she’s wearing a nightie or something in ruffled sheets. I think about burying my tongue in her musky morning twat. Cumming in her. Making the decision not to pull out this time. She scolds me playfully. She is unavailable to take a birdwatching stroll around the pond today she says, by blocking me.

I could get pussy today if I can keep my infected cyst under control. Antibiotics did nothing. It sends out red tracers I can feel working into my brain. I become ever more retarded. Ever more incapable of writing anything besides “this pop culture thing sucks” or “I’d like to fuck someone.” I haven’t had an intelligent thought in five years. I may never again. So what. I was reading Nassim Taleb’s twitter. Thinking: oh shit, how come I can’t easily recall where the Hebrews were in a given era. Why do I only know the word “stochastic” from The Simpsons. But then, he’s bald.

17 Responses to “I Haven’t Had an Intelligent Thought in Five Years”

  1. Sara Smith January 15, 2017 at 3:52 pm #

    Check out this stuff. Fucking cureall.


  2. Atlanta Man January 15, 2017 at 4:51 pm #

    Three posts in one day! I feel like it is my lucky day!

    • vallensdorothy January 15, 2017 at 6:47 pm #

      I’ve missed you Atlanta Man.

      • Atlanta Man January 28, 2017 at 12:37 pm #

        Lee, is that you?

      • vallensdorothy January 30, 2017 at 12:03 am #


      • Atlanta Man January 30, 2017 at 9:16 pm #

        Where are the naked pictures on your site?

      • vallensdorothy January 31, 2017 at 10:00 pm #

        There’s a link to tumblr there. No pics on WordPress.

    • Eduardo the Magnificent January 15, 2017 at 9:35 pm #

      He’s going for quantity over quality. Delicious “Buffet” Tacos.

  3. vallensdorothy January 15, 2017 at 6:41 pm #

    I would hang on to that married woman in SF if I were you.

  4. ShimmyThatJimmy January 16, 2017 at 11:29 am #

    I only came to know of To Kill A Mockingbird being about racial issues from Homer.
    Also, the duck in the title picture looks suicidal.

  5. Raindog the Cat January 16, 2017 at 9:49 pm #

    Just revisiting your shit for the first time in a year or so. I’m out of old stern show clips to listen to so I’m looking for something, anything. I dunno man we’ll see this is the first piece I read. What is with the AA meeting obsession? No wonder you’re devoid of intelligent thought. I feel like that environment would water a man down after so long. Anyway glad to see you’re at least writing something. It’s actually hard to find any decent heterosexual material these days.

    Did you think about fucking that duck in the pic?

  6. ur a fag January 20, 2017 at 5:03 pm #

    Some feedback:

    • Raindog the Cat January 20, 2017 at 6:40 pm #


  7. Anonymous January 24, 2017 at 10:20 am #

    “Occasionally a decent writer but that just means girls who don’t live near me want to fuck an imaginary version of me. ”
    Hmm, true.

  8. niggertits January 25, 2017 at 3:11 pm #

    nonsense lad your writing is full of illuminating information.

    throughout the years i’ve learned so much from you, such as the fact that girls fuck dogs and horses.

    your web-site is brilliant and you’ve had loads of intelligent thots.

    chin up and keep at it m8 i’m rooting for ya.

    cheerio from the UK.

  9. SORSERIGOD January 25, 2017 at 6:48 pm #

    *amused* THERE’S the Delicious Tacos we all know and love — lambasting himself and yet inadvertently turning up golden coins in his life.

    Umm … yeah. So it’s me Sorserigod, again. In Toronto? I abandoned my last website and am on a new one:


    There’s porn gifs fronting my articles, if you wanna check it out.

    I still say you and I, Delish, will be together someday. You’ve got WAYYYY too much potential to be rotting away in a shitty commode-less apartment.

    Anytime from 6 months to 16 months from now, assuming you haven’t ingested carbon monoxide on your econobox vehicle, I’ll come ‘n get you. (In a good way). I realize this sounds a bit … weird … but wtf. Who cares?

    Someday you’ll have lots of friends in Toronto, be with me (us), and liking life again.

    Oh, and your condo/house will be ten times better.

    So … just hang on, kay? *slings one arm around you*

    — S*gd.

  10. jtarian February 1, 2017 at 2:45 am #

    plus he can lift

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