Jesus Christ I’m a middle aged man living alone in a one bedroom apartment with no door on the oven. I used to say a dirty toilet but you can eat off it now. I have an app where a different maid comes every month. Never anyone you’d fuck. Nowhere is there ever anyone you’d fuck. Life is work, AA meetings… the gym. Well there are girls at the gym and why don’t you talk to them. Because I’m a pitiful insect. Not rich not famous. I have saddlebags now. Double digit body fat; not fully visible obliques– I’m a hog, in other words. Occasionally a decent writer but that just means girls who don’t live near me want to fuck an imaginary version of me. Who do I have– a married woman in SF, college professor back East. A Chinese girl who lives in Switzerland now because she’s rich. Various red state types. Actually there’s a lot of girls who would fuck me from my stupid web site. So this paragraph that was meant to be a complaint actually makes things look pretty good. 1500 die hard fans contains at least 15 girls who are good looking. I’m pissed none of them has sucked me off this morning.
I’m masturbating to OKCupid profiles. Slightly thick Asian topless from the back in bikini bottoms. Another pic from the chest up; she’s wearing a nightie or something in ruffled sheets. I think about burying my tongue in her musky morning twat. Cumming in her. Making the decision not to pull out this time. She scolds me playfully. She is unavailable to take a birdwatching stroll around the pond today she says, by blocking me.
I could get pussy today if I can keep my infected cyst under control. Antibiotics did nothing. It sends out red tracers I can feel working into my brain. I become ever more retarded. Ever more incapable of writing anything besides “this pop culture thing sucks” or “I’d like to fuck someone.” I haven’t had an intelligent thought in five years. I may never again. So what. I was reading Nassim Taleb’s twitter. Thinking: oh shit, how come I can’t easily recall where the Hebrews were in a given era. Why do I only know the word “stochastic” from The Simpsons. But then, he’s bald.