No One Else Gets Laid Either

26 Jan
kerwin-mathews-08

image stolen from waytofamous.com

I’m six foot one. Barely over peak age for a man. Visible obliques. Even in soft light now. I earn ninety four thousand dollars a year. Drive a new car. Live in a cool neighborhood. Not birth defect ugly. Hobbies. Passions. Rough edges but I’m basically a good person; I play guitar at expert level. Draw. Paint. Write at a supernatural level. Travel the world to see monkeys in exotic destinations. Good sense of humor. Discuss any topic. Genuine desire to learn and engage with these stupid women. Not into the rough sex thing but don’t mind wrapping a sinewy gym forearm and/or hand with insane classical guitar grip strength around her– not the throat– you want to cut off her blood supply. I don’t mind using my anatomical knowledge to painlessly crush her carotids while jamming a stiff finger the shitpipe; watch her watch herself sputter and weep in my full length mirror. Which is what it takes all women to cum now. At a minimum. I don’t like it. I do it for her.

I can cook. Pretty eyes. Not bald not short no acne; my penis is at least standard issue. Not blacked.com material but longer than my iPhone. Wider than shit I used to try to fit it in such as the mouth of a Prego jar with sponges in it. Quality of my work aside I do have thousands of devoted fans. My writing enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of people. Tech billionaires try to hire me for $200 an hour to write TedX type shit. I say no. I have integrity. My shoes aren’t so bad. Clothes aren’t so bad. My face isn’t so bad, my soul– I’m not so fucking bad man. I’m not so fucking bad to be around. I daresay it’s usually pleasant and occasionally fun to be with me. And I can’t get any pussy. I can’t get a 36 year old Tinder bum who’s “CEO of Me Incorporated” and looks like fucking Admiral Akbar– I got her home and couldn’t get her god damn pants off, Angela.

It’s over out there man. You need everything plus money plus title plus the dick won’t fit in a Costco size Chock Full O’ Nuts can and your face… there is ONE problem with my face. Just one. Now you need fifth lead on General Hospital face. For a 2017 woman to not recoil with hate baked in her chromosomes. Eight feet tall, planetcrushing cock, six trillion cash. You need a harem you keep pregnant to get a cocked eyebrow from a pig who can do fifteen minutes off the cuff on the quirks of a Scorpio. You need everything to have a girl who’s anything at all. Which is to say Asian.

21 Responses to “No One Else Gets Laid Either”

  1. Atlanta Man January 26, 2017 at 10:37 pm #

    I love Blacked.com!Blacked.com brings joy to my life, like your writing! Thanks for the Thursday night post!

    • delicioustacos January 27, 2017 at 8:07 am #

      Haha– wordpress blocked your comment for repeatedly mentioning blacked dot com.

      • Atlanta Man January 28, 2017 at 12:35 pm #

        I wondered what happened….I love that (interracial porn site that shall not be mentioned) as well as Tushy.

  2. Anonymous Kiwi January 26, 2017 at 11:00 pm #

    Nup, it’s just you. I’m 49, 5’6″, bald, make good money and am getting it as often as I like. I do live in New Zealand, so there’s that I guess.

  3. bucky January 27, 2017 at 3:47 am #

    I’ll never understand why you insist on stay in the States.

    • jtarian January 31, 2017 at 5:58 am #

      I was about to say the same thing. There a hundred fucking cities with cheap cost of living and gorgeous girls. The US is a wasteland.

  4. SG January 27, 2017 at 6:46 am #

    You make a lot of money! How did that happen?

    • esquilax January 29, 2017 at 5:19 pm #

      Yeah, how did that happen? Also I’m glad to hear you still play guitar. It sounds like you’re not working that to your advantage at all.

      Check yourself into a youth hostel, sit around in the common area casually playing whatever kind of classical fag-music [*] you play and watch those panties drop.

      If that’s too contrived for you you could join a band (you could *be* the STD-ridden bass player you’ve always envied) or give lessons at home. You know who likes learning to play musical instruments to expert level? Asian teenagers, that’s who.

      [*] Not my real opinion, I’m just trying to fit in with the DT comments section tone.

  5. Anonymous Wiki January 27, 2017 at 7:03 am #

    your writing is shite lately and it sounds like you’re delirious from the yellow fever.

    I’m you height, your age, haven’t had your obliques in 20 years, and probably have a smaller cock. Hell I even have the same first name as you. I also have a wedding ring and two side pieces. How’d that happen? The difference is I’ve got none of the bitterness or thirst. They can smell that a mile away, and you’ve already figured out you don’t want the ones who can’t smell it. Which simply means you’ve got a classic case of self-loathing. It’s treatable, but you might need to get out of L.A. before the condition can improve.

    • Anonymous January 27, 2017 at 10:37 am #

      I agree here. DT, man, you’re hot as hell, but you’re also pretty negative, you say you want to get married, have kids and all that jazz. But, you also want your Tinder/OkCupid date to let you fuck them raw the same night you met them. I ain’t no saint cause I’ve got my own buttload of issues too, many of which are in the same department as you. But, it’s the internet, and I need to dish out my 2 cents wisdom for the day. That and masturbate, which is where I’m heading next.

  6. Guest January 27, 2017 at 10:13 am #

    Tell me more about those tech billionaires. What did they want you to do?

  7. Justo February 4, 2017 at 6:58 pm #

    It’s not that that’s what it takes all women to cum now. It’s that that’s the only kind of cumming she can do with a stranger she met off the internet 2 hours ago.

  8. charles darwin February 6, 2017 at 8:01 pm #

    hah! you make “ninety four thousand dollars a year” but you can’t get a decent camera or phone to take photos of birds with. the fuck is wrong with you.

    i’m referring to this recent photo you tweeted as well as your other shots of ducks:

    terrible.

    this shit looks like it was taken with a digital camera or flip-phone from the late 90’s.

    i actually now enjoy bird photos LESS because i see these grainy photos you take and it somehow warps my desire to see more.

    why even bother sharing these. you disgust me. a true bird lover would want to capture a clear image to save and share with others who appreciate winged creatures.

  9. asdfasdfasdf February 11, 2017 at 9:46 pm #

    maybe you’re just a nerdy faggot listing off his skills like napoleon dynamite, or elliott rodger. suck my dick.

  10. zizi February 12, 2017 at 6:25 am #

    i thought you were broke, lived in a shitty neighborhood and had a car that’s barely working. isn’t that what you’ve been saying? What happened?
    Come on, if you really earn 90k, then it should be relatively easy. buy expensive clothes signaling status, show up w your fancy car and hang out in places w young but low income women etc. well, i actually dunno if that works in LA, i’ve never lived there, but then if it doesn’t, why are you staying in the most status-obsessed town on the PLANET?

  11. Baghead Kelly February 15, 2017 at 4:39 pm #

    Be careful what you wish for

  12. CK February 17, 2017 at 7:40 pm #

    zizi actually has a point. Rent a Lambo for the night (Tuesday?) (from Enterprise Exotic rent a car) and pull chicks right off the sidewalk without need for your verbal skills. Give your usual game a sabbatical

  13. Chelsi Seylesx April 19, 2017 at 5:10 pm #

    I don’t know how I happened upon this post… but I’m glad I did, the post and the comments are hilarious. 👍🏻

  14. Revo April 29, 2017 at 10:10 am #

    Tinder is no place for a high value man who isn’t top 10% in looks & height.

    Meet people in the daytime. Cold approach. Stop being a little bitch.

  15. Eddie April 29, 2017 at 10:17 am #

    Have you tried being gay?

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