Catherine from the Gym

29 Jan


Out in the park on a stump. Looking at snow capped Mount Baldy. A hummingbird hovers by a tall tree top. A nice day. I have therapy in 30 minutes. It will be the last time. I spent money on this, to get my AA sponsor off my back. Make him stop browbeating me about finding peace with women. It was this or go to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. The therapist got me through grief about my father. Through panic about my own death. Life slipping away. When it came to women he said: sign up for a community college class.

How can I inflict more time sucking pains on the ass on myself to have a basic need fulfilled. I’m brilliant. I deserve passive pussy. Women asking me out. Something. Tinder crashes now on the login screen. It’s done this 30 times. No Tinder means no fast pussy. OKCupid: no fast pussy. Real life: no pussy at any speed. Just girls you screw up the courage to ask out and when you get there they’re dull as shit.

Catherine from the gym is like this. The front desk girl. She wants me to ask her out. I want to suck her chubby blue vein tits while she’s on top of me; blast a crawly hot load into her briny beached sea creature of a snatch. She has a kid. We exchange pleasantries. I bought a pair of lifting gloves once. She’d thought I was sharp. But buying gloves meant more than four lines of dialogue. Now she knows: I’m an acorn dick nebbish. She’s the only woman I talk to.

9 Responses to “Catherine from the Gym”

  1. Atlanta Man January 29, 2017 at 8:11 pm #

    I am going to take Spanish at a community college for professional reasons, your therapist is giving you good advice, there were a ton of attractive young women there when I went to drop off my transcripts. You live in California, take Spanish.

    • delicioustacos January 29, 2017 at 8:35 pm #

      That’s a good idea– something I actually want to learn.

  2. Dick Lithogram January 29, 2017 at 10:54 pm #

    I also know a big-titted Catherine who is sweet and needs the D

  3. Anon January 30, 2017 at 10:42 am #

    I see all these hot gym bunnies at my gym (hot meaning under 27 and with some glute hypertrophy), and I couldn’t help but wonder who’s actually fucking these girls. It isn’t me or any of my reasonably good looking friends, so who is it? And then it dawned on me – a reality more terrifying than any other I’d conceived of – no one.

    Just end it if you’re a male in 2017.

  4. Anonymous February 2, 2017 at 1:15 pm #

    This blog fucking sucks now.

    • delicioustacos February 11, 2017 at 10:45 am #

      Blow it out your ass, faggot. Who’s better than me. Or– who’s better than me, at my age, my fucking young age for a writer– who also works a fucking full time job. Who’s better than me who gets up before 6 am to type for 20 minutes before sitting on the god damn 110 to do 9 hours of mind body soul crushing work to barely save money. Who’s better than me who does this for fucking free, as a hobby, for a bunch of fucking ingrates who can’t bring themselves to share my work with other people. You read me and keep it a secret but you post god damn Beyonce videos on your Facebook feed. You fucking chickenshits. Who’s better than me. I wish that person existed so I could steal their style and ideas. But I’m the tip of the fucking spear out here, faggot. I’m waking up every morning and *inventing* it. It is *hard* to do this. Writing takes 45 minutes. *Editing* it, anonymous person—editing takes forever. You never quite get there. Just keep cutting close as you can to a pure form which is silence and nothingness. Never get there. But who gets closer than me. Fucking nobody.

      If I suck– and I don’t disagree with you– but if I suck: tell me who’s good. Not Tao Lin. No one famous. No one who gets paid. Everyone good is dead or French. Not fucking Karl Ove Knausgaard– did you know 10% of all Norwegians own his work? Did you know he cheats on his wife with 17 year olds who go to his readings? I don’t know that either but I’m pretty damn sure. And I’m pretty damn sure he doesn’t write about it either. Everyone else, anonymous person– everyone is a liar but me. They hide the parts of life you’d want to read about the most. So blow it out your ass. I have an absolute monopoly on this niche and it looks like I will for the foreseeable fucking future. If you think you can break it go ahead and take a crack. You couldn’t do what I do if you practiced for a million years. So eat shit and get AIDS. And thanks for your comment.

  5. Anony-fucking-mous February 2, 2017 at 2:27 pm #

    That dude is right. I did community college over the summers to save money from university tuition and I took it for granted, and just assumed I had gotten lucky with all of the female attention I got. The ratio of attractive women willing and open to converse and talk was absolutely nuts. One summer I was in 4 classes, and literally was banging a girl from each class… And then went back to university in the fall and assumed I was just having a drought. The next summer, same thing, and the following fall, back into the painful doldrums of forced interaction with slovenly girls who wanted me to do all of the work. Community College may indeed be where it’s at. Of course I’m so exhausted from work and my free time so precious that I would never even consider giving 3 hours a week of my evening time to a community college… But such is life.

  6. The Official Therapist of Delicious Tacos February 3, 2017 at 4:44 pm #

    You’re all wrong. The ex-therapist is an imbecile. He clearly doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. DT has been doing it right all along – he perhaps just doesn’t have the courage to admit it to himself, at least not yet. Smashing a bunch of low income halfwits on the make at community college is not to going to bring DT any more “peace with women” than his historical slumming around with coke-addled whores. The two classes of women (and the third which, save some accident of fate that brings him ungodly wealth and fame, shall forever remain economically out of reach) are one and the same. It’s not the women, it’s the man.

    The upshot to all of this, of course, is that the inexorable laws of physics dictate that this universe has an expiration date; eventually all that is and was will not just cease to be but all will be as if none of it ever happened. None of this ever happened. So, stop taking it so seriously. Leave a legacy or don’t. Bone all da sloots or don’t. Become a Mennonite and learn to churn butter or whatever the fuck those people do … or don’t. It doesn’t matter either way. Now, don’t you feel better?

  7. Anonymous February 7, 2017 at 3:43 pm #

    I used to live in echo park and tried out the local colleges before settling on Glendale community college for my AA. Lacc was not good in terms of girls, gcc was okay, but Pasadena city college was fantastic. I’ve also heard good things about Santa Monica college, but that’s far as hell.

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