Birthday 2014
19 Feb
image stolen from commons.wikimedia.org
It’s my birthday today. I am thirty eight years old.
I had dreams of being pulled out to sea by storm waves. Woke up early and went out to the park. Neighbor was walking his dog. Told me there was a big car wreck down on Stadium Way. Went to the top of the hill to look. Cold fog hung around the trees. The evergreens were dead and brown. Marked with an X in spray paint; the city’s gonna come cut them down. Scotch pines. The tree my dad planted in the yard to commemorate my birth. That one was cut down too. Across the valley a murder of crows roosted on a dead eucalyptus. They were 500 yards away but as soon as I looked they flew off. Down on the road, fifteen fire trucks. A station wagon had hit a palm tree. It was spun around backward, crushed. All four doors laying on the grass, cut off by the jaws of life.
If I’d been looking for a portent for the coming year, well… fuck. Only thing that could have been more on the nose would have been the clouds forming my name and a big middle finger. Good thing I don’t believe in that shit. I rubbernecked long enough for my coffee to finish brewing. Then headed inside to drop a deuce. I’d eaten bleu cheese and arugula. The shit was historic. This was my portent. This year I will move mountains.
Everybody Relax
15 Dec
image stolen from allleftturns.com
You will be raped. Your children will be sex trafficked. You will be denied Equal Pay by a White Male. Sexually harassed by a White Male. Sent an inappropriate OKCupid message by a White Male. A White Hetcis Male, to be clear. The gays are OK. You will be stranger raped. Flailing with your keys sticking out between your fingers like they taught you in self defense class. It does nothing. They didn’t teach you how to throw a punch to begin with. When I can walk down the street without fear we will be equal, you say as you recoil from a house spider. You will be catcalled. White Males will shout at you on the street. You will be raped. You will be date raped, gray raped, you will be date rape drugged. You or your children will be sweet talked into drinking Everclear and group fingerfucked by the White Male football team. Your rapist will be someone you know and trust. The call is coming from inside the house. He will rape you with his Rape Culture. Your White Male boss will sexually harass you. Strip you of your equal pay. The White Males in congress will throw WOC’s and genderqueers in rape camps. If you don’t know what “WOC” means you are a rapist. You will be oppressed until no film, TV show or magazine adequately reflects your point of view. The writing staff of your favorite series will be understocked with Black and Latina women. The network made a whole diversity program and everything. Then all they did was hire one Korean broad out of Harvard. You will be raped. Yoga pants will not be available in your size forever. You will cry out on the internet. And a man, a man, a White Male will tweet something at you in response. Something mean. A rape threat. A death threat. You will be raped and murdered and raped by raping rapists on Twitter by tweets and comments and trolls. Check your privilege, you cry vainly. You will shout your pain into the wind as you are raped. Continue reading
Book of Lamentations
1 Oct
My asshole bleeds and bleeds now. From shitting so much. I shit, I wipe my bloody ass, grind the shit right into my bloodstream. Shit that is filled with third world parasites. I should see a doctor. But what are they gonna do. Been through this before. Round 1: ride it out for a few more days, they will say. Stay hydrated. Eat a high fiber diet. On your first visit, a doctor gives you as much new information as the warning on a pack of cigarettes. “Uh, try living healthier. Do healthy things you’ve heard about on TV.” Continue reading
Traveler’s Diarrhea
23 Sep
Woke up on the toilet. Forehead against the edge of the bathtub. I was dreaming about the Red Worms of Maguey. We ate them out by the pyramids, they were a specialty of the restaurant. Some kind of Aztec staple. In the dream, of course, they came to life and squirmed around on the beans and the authentic® blue corn tortilla. Raised little blind heads at me, waved pincers. I had a bath drawn. It had gone cold. I got in it anyway. Had to wash out my ass. I couldn’t wipe it anymore. My asshole and the inside of my crack were swollen. Pulpy. Touching them felt like picking up a rotten beached jellyfish half baked in the sun. Toilet paper felt like Freddy Krueger fingerfucking my colon. I climbed into the bath. Shivered. I fell asleep again. Bad dreams. Woke up, my skin felt like a dead man’s. Little chunks of brick red shit in the water. Cat hair from when I was writhing around on the rug. I had to shit again, bad, and the water was already fucked up. Why not just let go. No. Have some dignity man. Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 