Day off. Peace and quiet in the neighborhood. No sound but tinnitus. This morning in the mirror I thought I saw a bald spot. Right where the back of my hair spirals together. Looked again. Trick of the light. Continue reading
Universal Basic Woman
30 Sep
When Yang made the announcement people were stunned. The Cato Institute slipped their children cyanide pills. Held their hands while they convulsed and foamed and slipped mercifully into the night. Chelsea Handler set herself on fire. Even the channers couldn’t believe it– and it was them who’d made it happen. But I signed up the next day. It was like my prayers were heard. Continue reading
The Noise
22 Sep
Here I am in front of my house. Kevin’s in his kitchen. Windows always open. He thumps around. Clatters pots while screaming. You can ask him to stop making a specific noise at a specific time. But he doesn’t internalize the bigger concept. You shouldn’t do meth and play drums at 2AM. Crank your enormous top of the line subwoofer you bought the day after your new neighbor moved in, before sunrise. Judo throw your fat girlfriend, who screams from the diaphragm like a theater major, into load bearing studs and hollow core doors. Continue reading
Drop the Rock
22 Sep
Can’t meet a girl until I quit my job. Can’t quit my job until I have a hundred grand. Can’t get a hundred grand because I spend it on girls. I crashed my car. I crashed into the back of a Salvadoran couple who were clearly uninjured but the guy started holding his back with the subtlety of the evil priest in the telenovelas they play at the laundromat. Motherfucker. Now I’m getting called into work on a Sunday. Exactly like fucking Office Space. How did this happen. It’s always been like this. I listened to my AA sponsor. I was grateful to be of service and now I’m alone working my ass off with nothing for nothing and I’m horribly aware that my problems don’t exist and they’re all in my own head. I do have a hundred grand. Some of it’s a retirement account. I’d pay taxes if I withdrew it. So suddenly it doesn’t count. This time two years ago it was fifty grand to quit and it’ll just go up and up to whatever amount is close but not quite there. It was six months of cash then a year now two then two plus what if I get someone pregnant, like anyone’s keeping my fucking baby. Like I’d want them to at my Los Angeles public schools level of income. I need an abundance mentality. I could crash into a hundred Salvadorans and still be in the black. I could Farmers Market it through the Salvadoran Heritage Festival. A hundred kids with a hundred whores– what the fuck are they gonna do to me. Continue reading
I’ll Never Meet My Future Wife
7 Sep
At the beach. Looking for the place I took Lilly. Where I carried her down the cliffs on our first date. She’d broken her leg eating it on a bicycle. Had a cast on. I helped her to her car after AA, where I’d stared at her two years. Lifted her crutches into the back of her Prius. Would you uh… do you want to uh… go to the beach with me this weekend and she said YEAH right away like she’d been waiting. After taking fastidious care to never look at me. Never sit near me. Only glance at me sideways, like someone told her I’d written about wanting to come back as a tapeworm and live in her asshole. I’m sorry but it’s true. Continue reading
Lily
28 Jul
The beginning of love. When she’s gone I masturbate to POV porn of girls that look like her. Cum in me they say. Please sir get me pregnant daddy. Continue reading
Yoga Pants Cashier
21 JulWould you like a receipt, said Stephanie, the southeast Asian cashier with purple hair and a surprisingly robust ass for her ethnicity. Or would you prefer to prematurely pump approximately a 55-gallon drum of your seed into my hot tight little pussy today sir.
The choice was clear. He’d read that receipt paper contained BPAs.
What You’re Up Against, Part 2
14 JulShe had a Tumblr. A tech guy offered her $500 if she’d shit in a mason jar for a week, pour Jack Daniels in it, and mail it to him.
She didn’t know what to say. Asked a friend. The friend said make it $1,000. Charge him for the jar too.
To her credit, she didn’t do it.
But the next girl did.
The Sugar Daddy before Me
12 Julwas always rich. Always married. Always kids. The wife successful too. Something cool. TV writer, Netflix, HBO. Loved his kids, showed pictures. They’re doing well in school. They’ll go to good colleges. He takes them diving. Trips at ten to places I still haven’t seen. He has what I pray for. The wife was beautiful but the girl’s 22 and she always, always broke it off because he said I’ll leave her please please move in with me.
Oh God I Was a Fucking Fool to Let Her Go
29 Jun
She texted me back. Didn’t want to go to work this morning. Wanted to spend those hours telling her: come back. I’ll quit. We’ll travel the world with the money left after bespoke surgery to graft your golden asshole to my mouth. Cut off my nuts for your coin purse. My cock for your toe ring. Come back to me come back to me. The phone dings and I jump for it like pushing my baby out from in front of a bus and it’s someone else. Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 