Tag Archives: my penis

Diary: Gertrude Part One and a Half

11 Oct

You get a text on Monday morning from a girl you left at your house. The text is inventorying the contents of your jack drawer.  Notably there is an artificial vagina in it made by filling a plastic cup with water and flour paste, pushing a hole into it, and covering it with a condom.  You microwaved this creation while on cocaine and affixed it to your vibrating rubber duck and ergonomic airline neck pillow and it was the ne plus ultra of artificial vaginas; so far above and beyond the not inconsiderable amount of previous prototypes.  This is the one that flew.  It is has now taken on opportunistic airborne yeast and sat in the sun and become a perfectly formed uncooked dinner roll with a warped cast of your half-stiff cocaine penis in the center.  She’s amused.

She had written you a letter.  Like out of Bukowski’s WOMEN.  Dear so and so, I’ve read your blog and your OKC profile and blah blah blah.  We should have sex.  Well, yes.  Yes we should.

Still.

Still. Shouldn’t have sent her that second text this morning.  But no.  No.  Don’t overgame.  She’s a very straightforward person.  The larger issue is, making decisions about whether you want to hang out with a girl when you’ve been fucking her at night, receiving her unparalleled blowjobs, but not cumming.  Not cumming because she told you very matter of factly that your small penis could not get her off.  Also because you were fucking her and it got hot, she got into some position that was going to make you pop instantly; you stopped, and she said you should have gone ahead and cum anyway because your dick is too small to get her off.  You can’t tell if it’s because of this or just getting past that rubicon; sometimes you’re either going to cum prematurely or not at all.  Then you sleep with her all night naked and just keep making out with her in the morning; her little body… and you should have beat off in the shower, but you didn’t, so all day in the office your nuts feel like some swollen half-fermented fruit hanging overripe from the tree ready to fall off. You can feel your heart beat in your nut sac, painfully.  So you desperately want to see this person again but it’s just because you’re horny like an animal at your desk and you just keep seeing that ass, that ass, that ass, the way holocaust survivors must see the mule carts stacked with bodies flashing in their mind’s eye over and over again.
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Relax, It Doesn’t Matter Who’s President

8 Sep

Your taxes are not going to go up or down.  And if they do, who gives  a shit.  It won’t be a meaningful amount.  You are not barely hanging on by the amount that your taxes will increase.  You are not going to get some windfall by the amount your taxes will decrease.  They are not going to up the taxes enough that the debt and deficit are lowered meaningfully, nor are they going to lower them so that the debt and deficit are raised meaningfully.  All that shit, the money shit, is going to stay pretty much exactly the same.

If you can get an abortion now, you will still be able to get an abortion.  If you live in North Dakota, you will have to drive very far to get an abortion.  But you already have to drive very far to get an abortion.  You have to drive across the equivalent of France to get a fuel filter for a Japanese car, or a burrito.  If you live in North Dakota, you probably do not need or want or would consider having an abortion.  Why is it such a big fucking deal, the five abortions performed annually in North Dakota.  Or in Mississippi– when have you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi, and no matter how young they were, how poor, no matter how abusive and drunk the father is, how many babies he already has with thirty other women, how much chromosome damage the baby was going to have from the mother pounding from whatever clay jug labeled “XXX” they drink from in Mississippi– when was the last time you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi and not keeping the baby. Any state considering outlawing abortion is an entire state of Honey Boo Boo.  Every birth is from statutory rape by a multiple convict, and every six fingered IQ 80 baby is considered a huge blessing from Jesus where you wouldn’t even think about terminating the pregnancy.  Why do we argue so much about this. Continue reading

Protected: Weekend Journal 9-3-12: Bobbie (NSFW Image)

3 Sep

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I Have a Dream

15 Aug

Every four months or so I’ll have a dream that I can suck my own dick. I’ll be—you know in dreams, sometimes you just appear in a situation—I’ll be there with my dick in my mouth, thinking “holy shit! It’s not a dream this time! I can really suck my own dick!” Continue reading

Mysis Relicta

9 Aug

I’m horny, and I would like to beat off, but I can’t. The reason is– I buy these special shrimp for my fish. They come in a huge frozen block and I have to saw off one little chunk for them at a time. Today I figured I would cut up a bunch all at once, since it’s a pain in the ass, and put them in a Ziploc® bag for future use. The shrimp smell awful, like rotten clams, and it’s that oily kind of smell, like garlic and onions have, that doesn’t come off you even after washing. The best you can do is kind of cover it up. Continue reading

Review: Sexual Congress with Yours Truly

1 Jul

Ex Girlfriend writes:

“…you know I don’t even always like sex with you so much.  You micro-manage, you have an adolescent urgency, your penis isn’t that big, and I don’t think my orgasm means a thing to you. But, all that said, kissing you makes my whole body burn.”

Fair enough.  Siskel gave it a thumbs up though.

 

My Penis Is Shitty Batman

23 Jun

It’s a sad fact of life: the penis is cruel. Hundreds of hours of your youth will be spent with an unwanted boner that could embarrass the fuck out of you. Then the one time you need it, the boner is off somewhere playing cards with his boner buddies instead of doing his job of tearing up that ass. It’s like if Batman kept walking in on you while you were taking a shit, but when you were getting the crap kicked out of you by thugs he was nowhere to be found.