Archive | January, 2012

Miranda Catches the Gay

25 Jan

Cynthia Nixon recently said in the NY Times that she “chose” to be gay, which caused controversy and people freaking out and etc. To all of which Andrew Sullivan responds:

“My own view is that female sexuality is inherently more fluid than male sexuality, and that lesbians and bisexual women, because they are less fixated on crude physical signals for arousal, have more of a choice than men, gay or straight, in their choice of loved ones. I think this is about the difference between lesbian identity and gay male identity. For all the attempt to corral us into one vowel-free liberal conglomerate, I know few communities less alike than lesbians and gay men.”

That is a beautiful and succinct way of putting it.  Let me put it another way: my sexuality is tectonic plates miles thick and thousands of miles wide grinding away beneath the earth’s crust on incomprehensibly powerful tides of magma, grinding and crushing and destroying and building up vast pressures sapped only momentarily by hellfire explosions and earth-shattering quakes that ruin civilizations and crush lives. Your sexuality, womankind, is a toy house made of toothpicks and gumdrops that you can disassemble and restructure on a whim. Your sexuality is as the mustard seed, small and unassuming but capable of flowering into something beautiful, delicate and complex under exactly the right circumstances.  My sexuality is the fucking SUN. Continue reading

OKCupid: Girls with no pictures part 2: the trollening

25 Jan

I am being successfully trolled by a fake OKCupid account purporting to be a 21 year old local woman.  I am aware that I am being trolled; that somewhere on my beloved Reddit or 4chan or some other message board a neckbeard in Saskatchewan is eagerly awaiting my showing up at some place with a security camera that he’s hacked into, ready to photoshop my face into foreveralone.jpg.  Or it’s Chris Hansen.  The girl is going to casually drop at some point in the conversation—a 15 email thread by now, which I would never tolerate except this troll is just so god damn motherfucking masterful—she is going to casually drop that she is actually 17 years old but her parents are gone for a long weekend now that Tahoe finally has snow and would I like to come over and bring a nice bottle of wine; her tastes are surprisingly sophisticated for such a young girl… I’m going to go and be told “have a seat” and after tearfully insisting that I was just there to warn her I’ll be told that I’m free to go only to be unceremoniously tackled to the sprinkler-muddy turf by a Whittier police sergeant built like Butterbean.  They won’t have to ask me “if you’re here to warn her, why did you bring condoms?” Because of course I won’t be bringing fucking condoms.  Fucking a 17 year old with a condom would be like looking at the Sistine Chapel through glass security block. Continue reading

OKCupid: Girls with no pictures

25 Jan

You got two options: she’s either never going to give you the picture, or she’s going to be ugly.  That’s it.  And yet I bite, every single fucking time.  I get a message from a girl who is pixellated out or black bar over the face or simply, you know, an Ansel Adams photograph or some shit and I bite every time.  Because I have to know.

And no matter how many times—it’s either nothing, or ugly, every single fucking time—I still can’t just trust myself and internalize the fucking rule.  I can’t take a second and reason with myself.  Like, anyone who doesn’t list their body type– do you think they have a spectacular fit body?  A guy who doesn’t list his height- do you think he’s dunking on (I cannot name a single defensive NBA player)?  Do you think a dude who doesn’t list his income is hiding Mitt Romney levels of untaxed capital gains in the Caymans and that’s why it’s gotta be a secret?  No.  No.  If someone is not explicit about a piece of information on OKC it is because whatever quality they’re hiding is a liability to the point of freakishness. Continue reading

To my future son, part 3

24 Jan

The feeling of being in love with someone who loves you back is literally unattainable.  Because the very fact of being in love with someone makes them not love you. Your choices are:

A) Unrequited love

or

B) Cool apathy that gets you the person you thought you wanted, but because of the apathy necessary to get them, you don’t want them anymore.

That’s it. There is no other option. One party will always have contempt for the other. Your choice is to be the contemptuous or the contemptible. You don’t want either one?  Too bad.  I don’t want Sudanese kids getting kidnapped and enslaved but them’s the fucking breaks. Whatever you feel, that you think will bring you joy, will only work against you. Until you DIE. From BEES.  BEES with AIDS.

L.A. to Require Condoms in Porn

19 Jan

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/01/la-approves-condom-rule.html

The TL,DR is that the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and other worrywart types have been trying to get condoms mandated in porn for years.  After various failed tactics, they went for a city council ordinance, which covers the San Fernando Valley.  The epicenter of American porn production.  The idea is that no politician anywhere, ever, can vote for being slack on any kind of fucking-related business without having their career incinerated so except for the one brave soul who voted nay, they all had to go along with it.

And now there are going to be surprise inspections where regulators show up to porn sets and look at the dick going in the vagina, or butthole, and make sure there’s a condom on it.  Which for me, only cements my decision to never watch porn made domestically by a major studio again, ever.

Continue reading

This American Life

14 Jan

Good morning. The fucking car is breaking. Now it starts overheating the same day you put water in. I should just fix it, but that requires money. I should pay my bills, but that requires money. I should get my car registered properly, but that requires some lengthy process because while I’ve already payed for it, somehow the insurance wasn’t payed up at that time, which requires money, and so, the fucking registration didn’t stick, so I got a ticket, which requires money. And now I have to park on the (REDACTED STUDIO NAME) lot in their impossible parking structure, which requires time. How are they even checking expired registrations? It’s not like the thing was from fucking 1978, it says 2010. Fucking DMV. Requires money. Requires money. Requires money.
Continue reading

Hello world!

14 Jan

Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.