Archive | May, 2012

Opt Out

12 May

I need to get a new job.  And the sole criterion I am going to employ, rather than salary, potential for growth, intellectual fulfillment or any of that bullshit is whether girls work there.

Because that’s the only thing that matters. If you are where the pussy is, life is great.  If you are not where the pussy is, life is horrible. And friends, I am emphatically NOT where the fucking pussy is. For how little I am exposed to women, it is a god damn miracle that I ever get laid at all.  I must be a world record holder for opportunity/ pussy ratio.  Like a one-legged marathon runner.  Lots of guys get laid a lot more than me, but I am pulling a pretty god damn respectable time for hopping along with a fucking stump.

The problem is, the way our society is built– what you need to do to be “successful,”  to be “prosperous–”  the fruit is hanging so high that getting to the respectable middle consumes your whole life.  And it starts about forty five minutes after you come out of the womb. You need to work your ass off in high school and get into a good college. People talk about grade point average and SAT’s, you know– as though I worked hard, did well in school and killed that standardized test, now i’m going to get into a good college.  Bullshit.  All that stuff, those years of labor, homework and toil at the one time in your life when you have social and sexual access to fourteeen year old girls– all that just gets you to zero.  All that gets you to the point where you won’t be instantly eliminated from the first round of applicant pool. Continue reading →

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Diary: Noise Pollution

11 May

Good morning.

Out in the park.  Naturally there is some kind of gas powered machine being used to loudly mow down brush. Every fucking day with this shit.  God fucking forbid they do it between the hours of nine and five on a weekday, when every productive member of society is somewhere else.  No, they MUST do it at 8AM, in my approximately 40 minutes of time to myself.

And if it’s not the city clearing brush that will force coyotes, rattlesnakes and scorpions into people’s yards to mangle their pets, it’s a guy working out of his home wood shop and running a whining, keening lathe that he hasn’t adequately lubed for his woodworking project, which, fine, good– it’s cool that he’s into woodworking.  That sounds like a fun rewarding hobby where you actually get tangible fruits for your labors, and must be a balm for the soul in this era of work for nothing.  Work to avoid getting yelled at.

But still. This guy is retired.  Between nine and five on a weekday he is jerking off and reading woodworking magazines, and then Saturday 8AM rolls around and it’s time to fire up rickety screechy lathes, routers, sanders and jigsaws.  It’s time to make a thousand foot radius around his garage sound like a pack of dinosaurs were undergoing sexual torture. Continue reading →

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Bottles and Cans

11 May

Homeless guy walking around with a giant industrial lawn and leaf garbage bag, gathering cans.  On a Wednesday morning.  Prime can gathering time; this is when people haul their garbage and recycling bins out.

How does he get this route at this time?  There are like 10 other homeless people who collect cans on my street, walking behind apartment buildings into people’s parking lots and rustling around the clinking clattering resonating trash cans– those things are like fucking tympanis– often at six or seven AM.  Up with the cock’s crow to go harvest cans, lest some other more enterprising homeless person get to them first.  Walking up steep hills with three layers of overcoats and snow pants on, with a black sweatshirt hood pulled up amplifying the sun.  Pushing a shopping cart with a bum wheel so you are constantly having to jerk it back to the left– pushing this up the second steepest hill in Los Angeles.  Getting to the point where you have the cart not just full to the brim but overflowing with a densely packed mountain of bottles and cans heaped up to the highest possible hump you can get without them falling out, and then on top of that four huge industrial lawn and leaf bags purloined from the city brush dumpster in the park, each full to bursting, packed drum tight like Cool Hand Luke’s belly after the fifty eggs, four of these lashed to the corners of this herky jerky shopping cart– restraining your now heavy and now even more awkward cart as you drag back down the second steepest hill in Los Angeles– dude. This is hard fucking work.  And a structured life: you’re up at six in the morning!  And you’re squabbling no doubt with fifteen other guys who want to do the same thing, OR, even more unbelievably, the other fifteen lesion-covered hairspray drinking schizophrenics have worked out a system, where one guy gets this block, this block and this block on Thursday, another gets them on Saturday, and so on.  I mean, this is how panhandling works– homeless people collectively have their shit together enough to assign one corner to one person on certain days; that’s why you never see two hobos battling to the death on the offramp over who gets to hold the VETERAN: HUNGRY sign.  They work it out, and in fact they give a cut to the cops, who enforce the territories in exchange for a piece. Probably they do the same for the bottle and can racket. Continue reading →

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Diary 2/27/11: Going to the Oscars

10 May

So: going to the Oscars.  Going alone.  It’s awesome that I’m going but it fucking sucks that I’m going alone.  At first, I was pissed that, you know, if I could have had a date, I would have been able to pull some incredibly high caliber of ass.  But then I would have had to keep the party going, get us into Vanity Fair, or Madonna’s house, or whateverthefuck. Now I can just come home. But still– this crazy spectacle, tons of famous people… I mean, I’m glad I get to see it, but it will suck to have no one to lean over next to and whisper to. Maybe I’ll sit next to Hailee Steinfeld’s mom or something.  Some woman from Kansas who doesn’t know anybody there either.
Continue reading →

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National Novel Writing Month

9 May

It was National Novel Writing Month in November.  I sat down and tried to write a novel for about three minutes.  Here’s what I came up with:

BOOM!  A huge explosion. This is the first thing that happens in my National Novel Writing Month novel.  A gigantic explosion.  Massive wall of radioactive fire eating up the whole sky; trees instantly incinerated. Seagulls knocked out of air currents and turned to ash.  Rocks melted to glass.  Buildings crushed, like toys, in a toy crushing machine.  Crushed like toys during National Toy Crushing Month.  Cars, also like toys. Why is it always “like toys,” as though we crush our toys any more than we crush our normal-size possessions.  Toys are valuable.  Specifically to children, who are the people who own toys– nothing is more valuable than toys.  But anyway, these things are crushed like toys.  Like toys being crushed by a toy nuclear blast, except– this is not a toy.

Oceans evaporated.  The whole world now feels like a small unventilated bathroom after a long shower.  Sharks withering on the beach– once majestic, the king of the sea.  But who’s the king now?  No one. No one, you stupid fucking shark. Continue reading →

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Protected: Older Women Part 2

8 May

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Protected: Cancer and AIDS

8 May

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Diary: The Inner Life of the Exterminator Spraying Down My Storage Unit

7 May

Had to move my shit out of the storage unit this morning because there’s an exterminator spraying it down.

To be an exterminator, you must know about the creatures you exterminate.  You must study wasps, termites, carpenter ants, rats, etc.

You have to be an expert.  Because when you go to spread termite poison you have to know that the termite colony will have placed an egg chamber at a certain spot relative to a wall, a gestation chamber here, a feeding chamber there.  You have to know almost like E. O. Wilson knew the elegantly elaborate social gradations in termite society; the baroque architecture bored out of 2 x 4’s by these blind and delicate engineers.  How can you not see some poetry in it?  How, when you learn about ant societies; how like our own they are, but also how exotically alien– how can your soul not be somewhat captivated by these marvels of creation? Continue reading →

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Protected: Older Women Part 1

6 May

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The Difference

5 May

Between men’s and women’s sex fantasies is this:

If the cheerful 19 year old girl who delivers mail to my office came up to me one afternoon when no one else was around, and said “hey– you want to duck in the supply closet and fuck?”  It would be the best day of my life.

If you were sweeping out your stern patrician father’s horse barn in 1895, and a mysterious stranger came in out of a rainstorm, possibly masked, and despite your chaste protestations he brutally ravaged you as the steely eyes of the stallions looked on, it would be the worst day of your life.

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