You know how it is– you go on a couple dates with someone and they go really well, but then you tell her you’re going to write her a bunch of letters while she’s in NY and you don’t, and then she comes back and she happens to be at the same party unbeknownst to you but you’re all hammered and it seems like a good idea to make out with a kind of weird leathery Russian chick on the dance floor, and this original person whom you actually like sees you and then you read about it on her twitter, and are flattered to be called a “fake boyfriend” but somewhat aghast that she witnessed you making out with and actually fingerbanging said leathery Eastern Bloc type who was possibly like 45 years old, but then you have a decent text exchange months later so it seems like everything is cool, and then you run into her at the Echo Park Von’s over by the eggs and she is in some kind of emotional distress that may or may not be amplified by bumping into you at the grocery store. It could have gone either way. But it went well. Continue reading
Celebrity Interaction Review: Lauren Bacall
2 AugLauren Bacall is a miserable human being. At least, that’s what I was able to gather from being on the phone with her for two minutes. At once terrifying, cruel, and a huge pain in the ass. She should be shot.
I mean, who knows, maybe she was just having a bad day. Still. Anybody who is mildly unpleasant to me for a hairsbreadth of time, for something that probably is my fault = a thousand deaths are not enough.
EDIT 8/12/14: Sorry she’s dead.
Fuck Winnie Cooper
1 AugYeah, but fuck Winnie Cooper. Winnie always looked a little alien, or like a Hapsburg or something. Her skull was shaped like a Lego person’s. And she always seemed uptight.
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Female Pinocchio
1 AugMaybe I need to make a female Pinnochio. I like the idea of this sad little marionette being overjoyed at coming to life and then the joy instantly turns to disgust as my veiny, unwashed penis comes at her.
To Kill a Cockblockingbird
31 Jul
When I killed a mockingbird, I of course went and looked up what killing a mockingbird was supposed to mean in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. I figured it was some deep voodoo curse or something. Some backwoods Alabama legend where you kill a mockingbird and your family is cursed and your children and your children’s children.
Turns out, no, it’s just Gregory Peck being an asshole. What he’s saying is: if you are going to kill a bird, do not kill the mockingbird in particular. Kill a blue jay instead, because the blue jay’s call is annoying. Whereas the mockingbird creates beautiful songs.
Which– it depends. The mockingbirds around here aren’t covering nightingales or some shit like that. What mockingbirds do is move into an area and sing the songs of competing birds to fake them out. So a sparrow flies by, considers nesting, and then hears the song of another sparrow and thinks: fuck it; I’ll move on. Continue reading
Weekend Journal 7-29-12
29 Jul
Yeah, Astrid boned a dude on the porch at a party. Then I went in the can with her while she was taking a piss and she stuck her finger in her pussy and pulled out a fingerful of jizz and tried to smear it on me.
We were watching an episode of MAMA’S FAMILY where the Harper household receives a series of obscene phone calls, which Thelma “Mama” Harper pronounces “OHB-seen.” I wanted to add voice over of the call saying stuff like “I’m gonna cut your pussy open with a box cutter and then shit in it and give you a shit baby” but MAMA’S FAMILY is shot with a stagey acting style that does not allow for realistic length pauses in phone scenes. In other words, Ken Berry or Vicki Lawrence or whoever will pick up the phone and say “hello,” then almost instantaneously begin reacting with revulsion to the imaginary voice on line, e.g. “you want to WHAT? With ICE CUBES?”
We were at a party, a going away party for my 22 year old friends; a small place but there are always 22 year old girls there. Astrid, I want you to know that I have had sex with the blonde girl who was into reading Tarot cards. I am disappointed that I was not able to discreetly convey that to you in situ. Usually when we are together near an attractive woman I have fucked I’m able to work it into conversation the way someone who went to Harvard works that into conversation. And you are appropriately impressed. She insists that I have a large penis; the sex was in fact painful for her and caused vaginal bleeding. I do not have a large penis. Her concept of penis size is completely out of left field. Continue reading
Junkie Ex Fiancee Part 2
26 JulShe was my first girlfriend. I got engaged to my first girlfriend. She wasn’t very attractive. Almost a midget, she was like– I’m sorry, not a midget… not a generic little person either– she was almost a dwarf. She was 4′ 11″ and had to some degree the slighly out of proportion head and limbs of someone with true dwarfism, or achondroplasia. Like Warwick Davis or Weeman from Jackass.
Her fingers were stumpy, like little baby carrots, and her feet were preternaturally broad and short like hobbit-feet. In fact overall she was almost gnomelike in appearance… homonculoid… she got fat, too, once she started doing a lot of smack…
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New Book
delicioustacos 