Archive | 2012
Diary 2005: The Gym
1 MayI hate the gym. That fucking stairmaster, the endless agony– I’ll have moments when I’m on there, swerving all herky-jerky like a marionette– I space out, follow a thought or daydream along a whole complex sequence for what seems like several minutes, and then I look down and not one second has passed. I can grasp the infinitude of hell this way. The weights– rusty medieval torture devices, the bench press crushing the breath out of my chest, grinding me down into the sweaty staphylococcal pleather… and I never gain one ounce of strength. I’ve been benching 205 on a good day for over a year. Continue reading
The Lady or the Tiger
1 MayI just got a missed call from a girl I slept with a while back. I met her off OKC. No condom but I didn’t nut in her. I know she was using no birth control. I called her for a second date but she blew me off and disappeared.
So.
Is she calling me to tell me she gave me AIDS and is pregnant and keeping it? Or because she just broke up with some dude and is going to give me the fucking of a lifetime?
Another Reason Why I Love Kenny Rogers
30 Apr
In the 90’s, Kenny got busted for having phone sex with his three mistresses, when his marriage was falling apart. The way it worked was KENNY SET UP A FUCKING 800 NUMBER FOR THEM and when they called, they would hear a recording of Kenny describing sex fantasies. Stuff like: “He’s a big guy, six foot three maybe, but a great body. . . . He’s been in the sun, you can tell. . . . He’s so gentle with you and he takes his pants off and he’s got on these underwear that are kind of silk underwear … and you feel his skin all over you. . .”
This is shit straight out of a romance novel. Kenny considerately put some thought into what women might want and tried laying it down in the soothing road-worn voice of Kenny Rogers. Any other dude would have been like “and then I fuck your face till you choke on my cock and pull out and jizz on your sister’s tits,” etc. Kenny’s sex fantasies are completely unselfish.
And when busted, here’s what he said: “It’s not like I took fourteen-year-old girls and tied them up and fed them drugs, I mean, these were conversations. These were words.” FUCK YEAH I DID IT AND IT WAS NO BIG FUCKING DEAL- GET OFF MY BACK. Kenny has balls.
Diary: Angry at OkCupid Profiles
28 AprGod dammit— why are all you girls so fucking boring. This is how old I am, this is where I’m from, this is what I do– I love my job! I love my family and friends! Go fuck your family and friends. I hope your family and friends are all on a bus and it explodes in a fiery wreck. I hope your job fires you and you are forced to suck dick under an underpass. You will wish your family and friends were there to help you out, but they will have died in a fiery wreck.
Just— you fucking chickenshits have to start showing a little actual personality. Who fucking cares what people think of you— you’re on the goddamn internet. Nobody cares.
Or— let’s just… let’s just assume you love your family and friends. From now on, let’s only make it a point to mention them if you do not love your family and friends. Everybody loves their family and friends, even me. Let’s just say something about your family if they beat and molested you; that’s the only thing that could possibly make them interesting. Even I love my family, although I would gladly trade them in for a family with a shitload of money, and my friends I end up fully replacing about every year and a half.
The Socialist Nanny State Sounds Pretty Fucking Awesome
27 AprMy friend had an abortion in Holland. She’s hot, so my initial reaction after she told me was to go home and masturbate to the thought of popping off an unprotected nut in her. But after that, I started thinking about socialism.
Because the whole story started out with this horror– there was some painful complication; she’d had to be hospitalized for weeks after, and it would have been a nightmare for this broke, wayward girl who is about as organized in life as any good looking unemployed actress in her twenties– it would have been a nightmare, except everything was taken care of and free. There was no bill at the end of this abortion and then internal bleeding and weeks of inpatient care and then follow up home visits and friendly helpful people telling her what the next step would be at every part of the process. It was all free, and the people helping her out, who were employed by the government, were actually knowledgeable, caring and nice. And from scraping Johann van der Guyinaband’s baby out of her to her final post-treatment evaluation was all part of one system, so, the nurse who told her there was some kind of ovarian hemorrhaging was able to say “don’t worry, we’re gonna take you to the state run hospital right next door and check you in and do some tests, and from there after you get released we’ll come to wherever you live and keep checking up on you for free. So I know this sucks,” they would say compassionately, “but don’t worry, ’cause we’re gonna take care of you.”
In America, it would have been: you looking down between your feet in stirrups and seeing the abortionist cock an eyebrow suspiciously, maybe mutter, but ultimately say nothing. And then afterward a squat, surly nurse in a briefing room would force some forms on you saying you weren’t gonna sue before telling you you had some kind of complication and might want to go have a doctor look at it. Wait, what? What is it? Ma’am. Ma’am– please, calm down ma’am. I’m not allowed to discuss this with you, we recommend that you go to a qualified physician… and if you have insurance, you get home with your insides stinging and bleeding from having the guy in a band’s baby scraped out of you and the first thing you’d have to do is call the phone number on the back of your insurance card and ring… ring…
Para Español marque el numero “dos” … Welcome to Blue Shield of California. If you are a health care provider, please press “one” now… (wait)… if you are a member, please say “I’m a member.” “I’m a member” I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. If you are a member, please say–” “I’M A MMMEMMMBBEERRRR!!!!!” All right. Please say or enter your ten digit policy number... (beep beep boop beep)… Continue reading
Diary New Year’s Day 2011: I Am a Massive Fucking Chickenshit
26 AprI should have kissed Anne at midnight. What threw me was her talking about needing to find a guy to make out with. This means: not you. But still. I could have done it. I ended up sleeping at her place. I don’t remember going to bed, but I woke up next to her, surprised. And I thought she might think I was her ex-boyfriend, and wake up and realize it was me, and be shocked and appalled. But no.
She was an excellent sleeping partner. She was wearing tights and would like, wrap her top leg around mine as we were spooning. And put my hand in a comfortable place near her boobs. I keep thinking- maybe I should have fucked her, but how? I would have been too drunk to get a boner at night and in the morning my mouth tasted like rotten tequila. Cut yourself some slack, dude. You don’t have to fuck everybody.
New Book
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