I’d Rather Watch Hitler Rape My Mom Than Date a Woman My Own Age

12 Sep

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I have a date tonight. 38 years old. Look at her profile. Half Asian with excellent bone structure. But who cares. What am I gonna do, have kids with her? One quarter Asian kids with half a good looking face? She’s 38. Biologically useless. Fucking her, as productive as sticking my dick in a log. Plus she’s banged 10,000 indie rock bassists no doubt. Has herpes and the bad kind of HPV. The log it is then.

Still, she guards herself like her pussy’s a treasure. Habit. She disputed my choice of date venue. Jesus Christ, you’re 38. Whatever I say you say yes.

A 19 year old could tell me: to get a whiff of my cunt from 50 yards out, you must climb a high cold mountain harried by buzzards. At the top spend one night in a haunted house. I’d say sign me up. But19 year olds– you say El Prado, they say yes. Or they don’t have ID; you walk around the duck pond then fuck. See them again or don’t. They’re happy. 38 year old makes you crawl across nails. Interrogates you off her checklist. Things she dreams of in a man, which you’ll suffer for other men not providing. How do I know you’re not just looking for sex, she asks. Even I won’t know until I nut. If I did I wouldn’t tell you.

Am I just looking for sex. Yes and no. I’d love it if you were a wizard who made me laugh. But even if you’re a bore– if you said: want to go bowling and fuck, no man replies just bowling please.

Don’t you know how men are by now. How can you not after fucking us for a quarter god damn century. Thousands of us. You tasted the grizzled wangs of bartenders and bassists, senators and sewer scrubbers. Teenage twinks and haggard mummies wheeling oxygen tanks. There’s not one cute woman in LA who hasn’t racked up Wilt Chamberlain numbers. How can you do all that and not learn one thing about men. Or you unlearned what you knew. How does the 19 year old know more than you. She knows not to make me pretend.

********

She was the most physically perfect person I’ve ever seen. Half Nepalese half Danish. But I admired her like you admire a painting. No smell to her. She’s a human rights lawyer. A woman who knows what she wants. Not afraid to say it. To her credit, she also knows it doesn’t exist.

She checked her watch. I’d seen a blue crowned night heron at the pond across the street. But instead of taking her there I asked: drive me home. She parked. Want to come in, I said.

Are you being serious? You can’t tell me you’re feeling chemistry here.

No. But you’re hot. I feel nothing but I could push through it. We’re doomed but I’d still like to masturbate into your unfeeling carcass. How about it.

I’m a man who knows what he wants. She said no and we parted amicably.

(Check out my book Hot Naked Tits.)

32 Responses to “I’d Rather Watch Hitler Rape My Mom Than Date a Woman My Own Age”

  1. Bullitt September 12, 2015 at 2:53 pm #

    Did she end up picking the bar or what?

  2. Anal Trauma September 12, 2015 at 4:16 pm #

    “How can you do all that and not learn one thing about men”. Because that is hard to learn when all you’ve ever thought about and focused on is yourself and how everything affects just you. Plus, most women are stupid, unless they’re focusing on destroying your life..

    Human Rights lawyer? I’m not amazed there were no feelings. Those people are the Devil incarnate. She’ll probably sue you for violating her human rights by taking her out.

  3. killtoparty September 12, 2015 at 4:36 pm #

    “I feel nothing but I could push through it.”

    I don’t think I’ve felt chemistry since the 90s.

  4. Valeria September 12, 2015 at 5:04 pm #

    Gross. Just so gross and dull. Of course you can only date children—they haven’t fully developed any taste and can stand the infinite content-less repetition

    • Anony-fucking-mous September 12, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

      I’m 12 and what is this

      • J. Fogel September 15, 2015 at 3:07 am #

        im jared and who are you?

    • Anonymous September 12, 2015 at 8:03 pm #

      If you take his description at face value would you call this woman developed? She’s a dead-eyed merc looking to run up her score in a game that has no audience.

      • Mew September 16, 2015 at 1:31 pm #

        Yeah, it’s perspective through his eyes. It’s only his opinion.

    • Carlos September 12, 2015 at 10:50 pm #

      resentment is an ugly sentiment. resentful people have ugly souls down to the deepest center, where there is nothing further beyond except the beginning of time itself.

    • K-hole September 14, 2015 at 10:40 am #

      Awesome. Just so awesome and true. Of course you can only date fly young girls – they haven’t become jaded and worn and can stand to be spontaneous and fun and curious.

  5. FRV September 13, 2015 at 3:11 am #

    NO, HOW ABOUT EL PRADO AT EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING PM YOU SEXUALLY IRRELEVANT FUCK

    GODDAMN

  6. Cody September 13, 2015 at 6:41 pm #

    Even I don’t want women my own age. I’m 28.

    • K-hole September 14, 2015 at 10:41 am #

      Same

    • ben September 14, 2015 at 11:17 am #

      27, and: agreed.

    • Atlanta Man September 14, 2015 at 12:33 pm #

      I am 40 and I would fuck a 28 year old, but when I was 28 my girlfriend was 19. I would take 19 or fucking 16 (legal in Atlanta!!!!!) over 28. Hell man I would take a teenager over anything!

      • Cody September 14, 2015 at 6:29 pm #

        I’d fuck one if she were spread eagled on my bed or something, without any effort required. I wouldn’t get much pleasure out of it though.

        This past weekend, two 25 year olds girls wanted me to go hang out with them. Both reasonably slender. I couldn’t be bothered. Said I was sick, jerked off to some teen oil massage vids, and ate some cookies instead.

        14-22 or bust

      • Father O'Hara September 19, 2015 at 7:42 pm #

        Yo blood ( trying to keep it real) you thank a blue eyed soul Brutus could get done on dat sweet brown sugar? I assume you been hittin black pussy down there’s in Hotlanta-! I like em lite skinnded and SEXY

      • Atlanta Man September 20, 2015 at 10:48 pm #

        I only fuck white and Latina women, this is not a joke- young black girls want a gangster and I cannot be bothered to pretend. I pull young girls from late nite dub step parties and underground raves, they are almost exclusively white or Latin. Even when I venture into the normal clubs to pull chicks it is almost always white girls. Black chicks ain’t buying what I am selling, I am not gangster enough, do not have enough tattoos, and my dick is only nine inches ( small for a black guy). To a white bitch nine inches is big, and they hold me back from putting the whole thing in- kind of like Asians for white guys.

    • Stephen October 18, 2015 at 10:11 pm #

      29. My lady friend is 18 and she turns 19 in a few days and I’m gonna cry my fucking eyes out when that happens.

  7. Atlanta Man September 14, 2015 at 9:51 am #

    Delicious Tacos this post is right on time! I was out and about in Atlanta this week and came upon an aging 5 with blue blonde hair, the bar was empty and she was the best thing there so I gave it a try. Immediately she starts in with a shitty demanding attitude going through her fucking checklist. I said fuck it and just started making jokes at her expense, she had a temper tantrum and walks off-The advantage of fucking with not hot girls is you do not care if it does not work out, so when her friend said”you pissed her off go apologize” I said”she will get over it”. Needless to say my indifference worked and I got her number.

    The next day the texting exchange begins-She is a Veterinarian, demands a dinner date, is tired of games, and is not looking for anything sexual at first, and she is over 30. I did not care enough to try to put up with that shit, she is old, not hot, irritating , demanding , and full of herself. I jerked off to teen porn, and broke off contact. Like Neo in the Matrix I dodged a bullet…

    • ben September 14, 2015 at 11:18 am #

      your writing is improving.

    • mikeinauckland September 16, 2015 at 12:29 am #

      Bro a pain-in-the-ass 5 , why did you even take her number?

      • Atlanta Man September 16, 2015 at 10:08 pm #

        She was the best looking chick at 4 am closing time, I always flirt to keep my game up and practice. When a basketball player misses some shots he will put up an ugly lay up to get it going, I would Reggie Miller it if I could and keep shooting threes, but the ugly lay up was all that was there at closing time.

  8. judge September 14, 2015 at 12:18 pm #

    The only 30-something half Asian I’d raw dog is Kristin Kreuk.

  9. judge September 14, 2015 at 12:25 pm #

    Reminds me of the Patrice ONeal bit about 30+ women being like stale cracker jacks. Youll eat it if its there and its open, but you’re not gonna work hard for it.

    • Atlanta Man September 14, 2015 at 12:29 pm #

      I Googled that shit after reading Judge’s comment, funny as hell and dead on!

      • Father O'Hara September 19, 2015 at 7:44 pm #

        Sadly so is Patrice.

  10. j September 15, 2015 at 1:12 pm #

    Women over 35 are the most self-entitled kiljoys on earth besides gay vegans.

    The passing of each day, the toll of midnight clangs with the fervor of a nuclear detonation, marking the loss of another day and smv. The wall cometh….

  11. Sweetbeak greatest fan September 15, 2015 at 8:46 pm #

    At 35 I can’t stomach a woman over 30, or her loose pussy, and would never marry one over 25. But let’s be honest, teens are where it’s at.

    Thank you for speaking for the silent majority. This phenomenon needs to be publicized widely, so women post-wall will know their place and so prime-aged girls will marry at peak and have families again.

    • Guest September 16, 2015 at 6:09 am #

      Take this red pill crap elsewhere. Individual preferences is one thing, shit like “women should know their place” is something completely different.

    • Anonymous September 16, 2015 at 8:02 am #

      Gotta keep fucking the young ones — they have no idea that you can’t fuck for shit.

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