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Diary: I Need to Get Laid
2 MarI could have fucked her. If I had played my cards right. If I had gone for the makeout earlier. I got her back to my house. I got her shirt off, anyway, although she kept buttoning her pants back up. But when I was kind of kissing around her hipbones, she was getting really hot. So, I should have played it better. I should have gotten those pants off. I could have done it. I could have gotten her hot enough to get her pants off, and then I would have fucked her. And I would be just as hung over, just as sleep-deprived, just as tired, but I would have gotten laid.
Because now I need to get laid. Getting laid by a new woman is like methadone and my maintenance dose is running out. Last new girl I fucked was the end of January. So that’s how long it lasts. About a month. About a month between fucking a new chick and feeling again like I’m completely undesirable. Continue reading
It’s Never
26 Febgoing to work. You want Edward Cullen to teach you how to tame a magnificent but previously abused horse. I want you watching Mexican soaps in the lobby of Planned Parenthood with a sense of dread.
Dear Nicole: The Future Wife
23 FebHere’s what happened. As you know, Nicole, I despair of ever finding a mate and hate & resent that you have a live-in boyfriend. In fact I hate and resent anyone who can find a relationship.
Anyway, I was driving home Thursday night and despairing about this. I actually resorted to prayer. I said, please, God, let me meet my future wife. And I had this kind of premonition that said: if you go to the Short Stop tonight, she will be there.
Normally I would dismiss this sort of thing, but it felt different, and realer than my other crazy thoughts. Also, last time I actually prayed, it was “please, God, just let something good happen to me tonight,” and I went to the Short Stop, and a hot girl was actually there, alone, and I took her home and boned her. So God has come through for me at the Short Stop before, seriously.
So I went. I was tired, and had shit to do, but I went, just in case God was sending my future wife there. The idea was that if I sat down and had two drinks, I would meet her. So as soon as I walk in I start scouting out the talent. Fat Mexican chicks, ugly girls— one cute girl but clearly a Lesbian…. nothing. But as I’m ordering my second drink I see a really cute but just flawed enough that I might actually have a shot type chick, with a dude who is way better looking than me. I assume this is her boyfriend. But just as I’m getting down to the LAST SIP of my second drink this girl comes up and stands next to me, and asks me what I’m looking at on my blackberry. She needs to stay by the bar to give the dude, her roommate, space to hit on a chick.
When Women
22 Febsay they “like nerdy guys,” they mean a guy in an indie rock band who gets laid more than Tiger Woods, but wears the black glasses like the Central Casting nerd. And when you take them off, it’s like when the “ugly” chick takes off her glasses in that Freddy Prinze Jr. movie. In other words, they’re not talking about you.
Molly
21 FebShe got on fucking birth control for him. Fucking right away. And she told me it was— she told me she had to go to the doctor and it was some medical condition but that’s fucking bullshit. She did it for him. She did it for him and she wouldn’t do it for me. Fucking twat. She’s going to get fat. She’s going to be fat with small tits and she has horrible teeth. Her incisors splay out on top of her— what the fuck, her other incisors, Jesus— this is hard, I’m not a fucking dentist. Her two very front teeth splay out on top of her two second-from-frontmost teeth, they kind of—they collapse toward each other in the middle. It’s like an old paperback book open in the middle. And they’re yellow. She’s really white and her teeth are really yellow and she gets zits sometimes and she drags her teeth when she blows you and I don’t understand why this dude is going out with her. And she doesn’t fucking drink and is extremely doctrinaire about Alcoholics Anonymous and is constantly going to meetings and then has to come home and be with her hideous, annoying pets and her house smells like cat shit. I have one cat, and he’s quiet, attractive and sleek. And he shits outside. If your pets are ugly I feel sorry for you. But then, maybe this new guy is my cat and I’m her cat, in terms of attractiveness.
She’s fat and stupid and I hate her but she has such pretty eyes. And a great sense of style. And she’s just generally fun to be around. And if her being fat bothered me I guess I wouldn’t be boning a bunch of other much fatter chicks.
Anyway, she got on birth control for him. Because she loves him and she didn’t love me. She probably sleeps with him all the time; she would never sleep over here. Fucking twat. Die, die, die, you horrible stupid twat. Also, get back together with me.
It Would Mean a Lot to Me, Nicole
18 Febif you would move out from Steve’s place and move in with me immediately. I would give you foot rubs and bake you stuff all day. Ice cream for every meal. Unicorn rides. I’m not talking about some gross metaphor for my penis, either, I’m talking about a literal unicorn. I know they’re kind of played out as camp but fuck it, fuck what people think. Unicorn *and* pegasus rides. Uni-pegasus rides. Any shit made from a horse and some other thing, you can ride on it. Centaurs. Hippogriffs. The Sea Monkeys’ aquatic horse.
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