The House

30 Jun

I think the pots and pans have spirits. I think they’re sentient beings, and they’re sad about being thrown out.

She came over to set up her workshop. She bought a silver polishing machine from China. No room in her place.

I have this mud room where I kept my air conditioners in winter. And two huge boxes of old papers and gifts. And a bookshelf I found in the trash in 2004 with dusty shoes I never wear in it, covered in spider webs. The cat’s litter box was there. The cat’s been dead eight months. He never shit inside to begin with. The litter box was for when he’d have to have surgery and stay in the house. I have never cleaned the mud room. I’d have gone to my grave never cleaning the mud room. I never clean anything. I feel bad disturbing the spiders. Continue reading →

Birthday 2024

30 May

I’m on vacation from thinking about the future.

This year I’m gonna quit my job. If the payout doesn’t come through by June. I said this last year. June. Then it was December. Before that it was when I had $20,000. Then $50,000, $100,000, $200,000. Now half a million, right? I hope so because the jump to a million’s too long. I’d be 50 probably. Interest rates, treasury yields won’t be high by then. High enough to sink that money into T bills. Get $50k a year plus my writing money–

My mom says it’s a bad idea to quit. My AA sponsor. My best friend. My–can’t say girlfriend yet. I did ask.

But it’s a nuisance, and gay, to do another man’s life’s work.

I need to make more from writing. I’m talking to you personally. If you’re not a paid subscriber to my Substack within 12 hours of reading this–I know who you are. I know where you live. If you’re not a paid subscriber within 12 hours of reading this I’m going to come to your house. And I’m going to (REDACTED) you. I’m going to (REDACTED) your family. First I’m gonna beat your ass in front of your girlfriend with Muay Thai. If you have any grappling this is not about you. Then I’m gonna We Need to Talk about Kevin you with a bow and arrow. Continue reading →

The Money

16 Apr

This post is from my Substack, where I’m posting new material.

**

Wake up, said the money. I need you to do something.

Already?

He’d been unemployed ten days. He’d saved half a million dollars. He’d dreamed for nine years. Every day. Please let them fire me. They did.

That day he went to his Google Spreadsheet and looked at the money. Stocks had dipped. The money was $499,908.

No matter.

$164,845 was in retirement accounts. Untouchable without penalty. Of the rest, $143,259 was invested. Securities that should grow. Untouchable without losing.

$191,802 was uninvested cash. Annual expenses $76,568. If he earned no money whatsoever. If his unemployment claim were rejected. If no stock nor bond ever yielded another dividend. He could live comfortably, without touching investments, for 2.54 years.

927 days, 2 hours

And 24 minutes

She’s pregnant, said the money. Continue reading →

The Chicken

28 Mar

I now post new content on my Substack. It’s $5 a month.

**

I knew a Mexican girl who wanted to make a man love her. She went to a witch who sacrificed a chicken. She paid $200.

The witch went to the Chinese poultry store. She lit a circle of candles in the park at night. She cut the chicken’s neck with a razor. Murmuring incantations under the moon. Great spirits, take away what lies between them. The chicken thrashed around and bled out. Continue reading →

Ten Years of Sobriety

27 Feb

I used to drink every day by myself. I’ve been sober ten years. I did it by going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Helping others stay sober. Working the 12 steps with my sponsor. It’s the best thing I ever did. You should do it too. God is real.

What else. I don’t think about sobriety anymore. It’s not a struggle. I like being sober.

But I gotta write something for it. Like I had to put on the same gay outfit as my brothers and pose for my stepmom’s Christmas card. A special occasion. Gotta go take cakes at meetings per my sponsor’s direction. Tell other alcoholics how I did it. Continue reading →

The Bear, Part 1

30 Jan

I’m posting new OC on Substack. I’ve been entertaining you free for 12 years. You owe me thousands of dollars. Subscribe now.

I met her at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Continue reading →

It’s All Right to Be Unhappy

28 Dec

Merry Christmas. I’m now posting new content on my Substack, including new fiction. It’s $5 a month if you join for a year. I’ll keep reposting some stuff here, once a month.

It’s all right to be unhappy.

Good looking good shape lots of money. Not bald. You can still be unhappy. Continue reading →

The New Barbarians

30 Nov

The homeless made it to my block. In a Mad Max caravan. Blue 90’s V8 Dodge Ram truck. Windows covered with those foil sunshades. A Winnebago. Both with bike frames and bike wheels on racks on the roof and chained up in carts behind them. Parked out by the grocery store.

I said hi to the main guy yesterday. Little dark man. Full beard. Mexican but eyes crazy like a New Guinea headhunter. Teenage looking Toltec girlfriend and the Winnebago’s full of cardboard and plastic bags. People going in and out partying. They have a kid. A little girl. And I don’t.

His girlfriend. I get half hard even glancing at her. Woman’s hottest traits are youth and poverty. Continue reading →

The Prophet

25 Oct

A note on the site:

I’m still going to post here, but I’m posting most new material on the Substack first. It’s $5 a month if you sign up for a year.

I knew a poet who converted to Orthodox Judaism. Litvak, the Ben Shapiro kind where you wear a suit and yarmulke. Not the big forelocks. But you still can’t turn off the lights on Saturday.

He’d always been looking for something. God’s the thing you’re looking for. First you try everything else. He got into Jordan Peterson. Before God got to him. Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Then a cool rabbi moved to the East Side and hosted dinner parties. Young people want to get married. They’d meet each other at the rabbi’s house. Continue reading →

Goodbye Woodrow

17 Sep

He was a wild cat. He lived in the yard when I moved in. And I’d see him up on the neighbor’s roof. Stalking around the grass. Handsome. I’d ask around. I needed a cat. Do you know who owns that gray cat. The neighbors said he was feral. Continue reading →

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