The Prophet

25 Oct

A note on the site:

I’m still going to post here, but I’m posting most new material on the Substack first. It’s $5 a month if you sign up for a year.

I knew a poet who converted to Orthodox Judaism. Litvak, the Ben Shapiro kind where you wear a suit and yarmulke. Not the big forelocks. But you still can’t turn off the lights on Saturday.

He’d always been looking for something. God’s the thing you’re looking for. First you try everything else. He got into Jordan Peterson. Before God got to him. Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Then a cool rabbi moved to the East Side and hosted dinner parties. Young people want to get married. They’d meet each other at the rabbi’s house. Continue reading →

Goodbye Woodrow

17 Sep

He was a wild cat. He lived in the yard when I moved in. And I’d see him up on the neighbor’s roof. Stalking around the grass. Handsome. I’d ask around. I needed a cat. Do you know who owns that gray cat. The neighbors said he was feral. Continue reading →

Wherever You Go, Pain Follows

30 Aug

https://www.thesprucepets.com/thmb/ieZCYNeJYqbMZp3NaQ7weLTOtCI=/2121x0/filters:no_upscale():strip_icc()/AiredaleGettyImages-495187742NateDogg85-80f7db503239497bbac165c8187f90ba.jpg

My friend called me upset. He has random gay sex in the park at night. Sometimes in the daytime too. At 3AM or on lunch break, men in your town congregate in some agreed upon spot by the river. Or a certain bathroom in the mall, and so forth. To have unprotected sex with strangers. Then they go home to their wives.

Continue reading →

Dream Number 8

31 Jul

A girl sent me her pictures. A girl wrote me saying I’m going to school near you in the fall. And I think I’m your type. I love your writing. Asked if she could send a picture. I should have said no. But I didn’t. Continue reading →

The Lost Thought

25 Jun

Some thought I forgot. Some thought I had while stretching. It wasn’t big enough to write. It was something I might have said on a podcast. And I thought: this thought is not a big enough deal to write down. Now it’s gone. Continue reading →

Sex and Love Addiction

27 May

People tell me I seem calmer. Is it God or my testosterone. I can’t fuck so don’t give a shit about anything. My old sugar babies write me letters. They’re smart and interesting. But had shitty parents. So they make money fucking old men. You suffer from your father not being around, or from him being around. I love you girls. I want to wrap you in a warm blanket and hold you. Continue reading →

The Bee

9 Apr

My life will have no meaning or purpose. But it’s nice out in the yard. I saw an unusual bee. Tried to take its picture. When I got the phone close it flew away. In the tall grass you can only see it when it moves. You wait for it to land. Try again to take a picture. The camera won’t focus. When it gets too close the bee flushes. You lose it for second. You see it flying, and it lands. I almost get upset about not getting a picture of the bee. But I don’t. You can take my word for it.

It was smaller than a normal bee. Whiter yellows. Glossier. Less furry. A small elegant bee. My life will have no meaning or purpose. But it’s nice out in the yard.

California Sensations

26 Mar

I had a dream I fucked my retarded cousin and my stepfather caught me. His anger and disappointment were unbelievably painful. It was clear he’d have me prosecuted and would cut me out of his life. Continue reading →

Birthday 2023

19 Feb

I used to want billions to die. But age brings diminishment of passions. Now I just want one god damn night of eight hours sleep. I snap awake at 4-something AM every day for two weeks. I can feel it giving me Alzheimer’s. My one prominent face wrinkle fissuring deeply, ugly old failure etc.etc.. Whatever man. I always felt like this. Continue reading →

Describe How You Feel in the Presence of God

15 Jan

I feel connected, at peace, unafraid of the future, of death, of whatever might happen. I feel relieved of guilt and anxiety. I feel like I’m an organism in nature just playing my role. A creature putting my song into the world, like the birds. Helping people when I can. Forgiven for my sins. I feel like I’m the way God made me and that’s enough.

I feel like I’m doing OK. Ways I fucked up were just part of the process. I’m part of the machine of creation. Just an atom. No better or worse than other atoms. Not a uniquely fucked up or malicious atom. I’m not bad at being a person any more than a mockingbird can be bad at being a mockingbird. It just is what it is, does what it does, according to how it was made. I feel like I’m part of something.

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