A Boring Post about Women

27 Dec

All right Valerie. I’m here at the coffee shop. The girl who rang me up for my hot green tea for here had a lisp, a little underbite. Pointy little tongue that can’t quite get behind her lips and teeth for sibilants. And there’s some sensory thing, some synesthesia from the sound, her sucking my dick, her tongue playing the tip like a pit viper tasting air, but I can’t follow that thought where it goes because I joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Curtailing addictive behaviors. The other barista here’s a great big fat curly hair Mexican and I’d like her to suck my dick also. I want to give her an ass massage with baby oil and swim around in her crack. Frolic in it like a kid in a fire hydrant. Continue reading →

Ooga Booga

30 Nov

Overheard in the Chinese Restaurant

I don’t know if you speak English. I don’t speak Chinese, OK. A week ago I came in here and I ordered the medium shrimp. It comes with ten shrimps. I looked in the box and counted seven shrimps. But there was a man working here, I don’t know if he’s here now- OK do you speak English. I’m sorry but I don’t speak Chinese. He told me the other three shrimps were at the bottom. I got home and I looked through the entire thing. The other three shrimps were not there. You owe me three shrimps. No, it was not that size. It was the medium. The medium comes with ten shrimps. I’m here to get the three shrimps that you owe me please. Do you understand me? I apologize but I have to speak to you in English. I don’t know if you speak English. I don’t speak Chinese. Continue reading →

Prayer Number 8

30 Oct

Lord thank you for not giving me a woman. Thank you for my free time with the birds in the morning. Thank you for the space in my bed. The silence. Cooking what I want. Cleaning when I want. Not looking at texts when I want. Lord thank you for my early bedtime. Passing out watching James Bond. Listening to Youtubers talk about George R R Martin. Thank you for my new fat not mattering. Nose hairs not mattering. Thank you for working from home with no one here. Jacking off before meetings. Jacking off to women I knew. Who I’d hate to see now for any reason but fucking. Continue reading →

You Can Give All This Up

29 Oct

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All right good morning. You don’t have to post this month. This can be the month you don’t post. You can give all this up. Write a book every five years and do three interviews. Never tweet again. Never get in arguments. If this shit were gonna get you a woman it would have. You can play Xbox. You can watch Dr. No on Amazon prime. Not a bad movie. Jame Bond sucks but the first two are really good. The first two and Casino Royale. Continue reading →

Eugene

30 Sep

Trying to do a conference call while my meth neighbor screams and throws a couch down the stairs. I gotta post something. Just write something that sucks. Break the seal and post more freely. And here’s the squirrel out back going after my squash. Not eating the ripe ones he ripped apart already. It’s the young green new squash. Fucking prick. Fucking dick ass squirrel. Continue reading →

The Lost Child

31 Aug

From True Love

I had a dream sleeping next to my date. I dreamed I had a little girl. She had blonde hair blue eyes and she reached out to me, little hands. And I picked her up and walked her through a meadow. Told her the names of the animals. That’s a squirrel, that’s a bird. White birch trees in winter. She looked like her mother, who I never saw again.

Birds in My Area

28 Jul

Just about every day I go to the park and watch acorn woodpeckers. There are four types of woodpecker in the area. The Northern flicker, acorn woodpecker, the hairy woodpecker, and the Nuttall’s. This winter there was a Nuttall’s in the neighbor’s walnut tree. Continue reading →

Dream Number 6

23 Jul

I had a dream. I was holding my baby son. On a train to take him back to his mother. Shared custody. The mother was maybe 28. A white woman, beautiful. We weren’t together,. I was handing him over. Telling her something. Giving her instructions about to do this, that. How to take care of him. And it occurred to me she knew what she was doing. It would be fine. She was his mother. Continue reading →

Something Good

16 Jul

I went out and looked at the squash and I could hear the bees. I thought it was a swarm somewhere. Moving hives. But the squash has so many flowers there are a hundred bees. Humming and pollinating in the big deep orange blossoms. The flowers are male or female. The male ones had buds for a long time, but just opened. At the end of the cycle. New little squashes now are born yellow and die. Leaves going yellow. The plants are dying. I give them more fertilizer. But they feel gassed out. Like they’ve used their time on Earth. Continue reading →

One Paragraph of OC

26 Jun

All you gotta do today is make one paragraph of OC. Continue reading →

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