The Future Burns with Promise

15 Jul
image stolen from call4health.com

image stolen from call4health.com

It’s almost 7:30. I had a long commute. I worked hard. I did well at work. Found people looking for buildings. This is my job now. I drive out to the desert and sit in an office at a veneered desk and talk into a phone. In front of me is a giant monitor filled with a grid of warehouses located in a desert county, along with names and phone numbers. I call the place, try to find out if the person is interested in moving. If they are, I get money.

Maybe a lot of money. A piece of the deal. Warehouses are typically leased for periods of ten years so a lot of money changes hands if one of these things come through. But before that happens I have to punch in a lot of phone numbers off this white grid. I am in an ill fitting suit; behind me men walk around and chatter in other ill fitting suits. Their shoes are newer than mine but we pretty much look the same. Talk into the phone and try to make money come out. Outside my window are mountains. An apartment complex. Trees tossing in the desert wind, occasionally a bird. No one gets naked in the apartment windows, ever. Still, I keep a vigilant watch. Continue reading

Site News: World Domination

12 Jul

world domination

In case you give a shit, this web site crossed half a million views today.  Per the above map, it has been viewed in basically every country that a) has a computer and b) doesn’t tie you up and hook a car battery to your nuts for looking at the internet.

This brings me happiness.  Thank you all for reading.  Especially you, Swaziland.  New Guinea– take a break from customizing your penis gourd and please take a look.

Now on to a sobering economic reality.  If I had been running ads on this site, assuming a CPM of 1– the most generous estimate possible for a site whose number one search term is “horse fucking–” I would have netted $500 before taxes. About 50 cents an hour.  I know this seems like a king’s ransom to some of you folks on the map, but to the rest of you: it is virtually impossible to make money with a “creative” blog and it’s only gonna get worse.  So if it’s your dream to make a living doing this, let me piss all over that for you.  Also, your mom did not actually send your dog to a farm where there are lots of other dogs and endless room to run around.  She killed him.  Probably shot him right in the face.  Then she stood over his twitching, tortured carcass and laughed thinking of your bitter tears.  Maybe she even shat in his wound, I don’t know.  Seems like the kind of thing your mom would do.

It won’t make you money, but it can get you laid.  Shocking amounts of laid with shockingly little effort, as long as you don’t count hundreds of hours coming up with hundreds of thousands of words as “effort.”  And as long as like five girls counts as “shocking amounts of laid.”  But it does for me– I mean, I write about stealing girl’s sweaty panties and sniffing them while I jerk it at the end of a coke binge.  Strange women email me saying “let’s fuck,” and I send them my address, and they show up nice and musky and they leave their salty chonies behind knowing I will be wearing them as a Bane mask that weekend.  I hadn’t expected that to happen once, much less several times.  The world is a darker, weirder place than you’ve been led to believe.

Anyway.  Onward and downward.  

Reader Mailbag: How to Propose

10 Jul
man proposing

image stolen from sodahead.com

“Andres” writes:

: hello um im going to propose to my gf soon and am looking for any creative ideas on how to do it if you have any suggestions. 

Don’t get married. Every married person I know completely hates their relationship and is miserable. Single people are miserable too but married people have this thing that focuses all their hatred. They all feel completely trapped, like their lives are over. Every single one of them cheats. Your wife will cheat on you. You will cheat on your wife, but not nearly as much, because you’ll have to work for it. Continue reading

Protected: Weekend Journal: Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Live Without ‘Em

7 Jul

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Nofap Diary

2 Jul
image stolen from echoparknow.com

image stolen from echoparknow.com

A gentleman by the name of Lawdogger recently gave up masturbating for 165 days.  This inspired me to revisit nofapping and attempt to match his insane feat. What follows are my results:

Day 1: OK, I can handle this. Not so bad. I’m slightly more irritable. Snapped at my landlady when she asked where the rent was. Noticing that the girl who works afternoons at the coffee shop has puffy nipples through her sheer top. How had I not seen that before. Normally I would head home and search “puffy nipple porn” and choke the chicken, but… let’s read a good book instead.

Day 2: Woman across from me on the bus was wearing a skirt. She was sitting under the air conditioning vent, and the air kept blowing the skirt almost but not quite far up enough to see her panties. I couldn’t look away. The bus hit a bump and I saw my reflection in the window. My face looked like Private Pyle right before he blows away Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. Need to buy a pair of sunglasses. Continue reading

Protected: Search Term Saturday: My Pet Horse Fucks My Ass

29 Jun

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The Soap

28 Jun

lever 2000

(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)

There was thumping coming from the bathroom. Slow at first, then gradually faster, and then a big sound like a bundle of logs being dropped.

Where’s the soap? She called through the door.

I don’t know. Where is it usually?

The door creaked open and her head appeared, face slightly red. If it were where it is usually, she said, would I have asked you where it is?

Well it’s in there somewhere.

Are you sure sweetie?

Yeah, it has to be.

He stood up from the couch, walked over and stuck his head in the bathroom door. She was back looking in the cabinet under the sink now. Moving items around: toilet paper, baby powder, tampons. There was no available physical space large enough to be occupied by the 8-Pak of Lever 2000® Pure Rain™ bath bars she had instructed him to buy. But she kept looking anyway. Continue reading

Ass Eating

26 Jun

A girl was eating my ass. It was my first time. I had merely asked her to tickle my back but she misinterpreted this as wanting my ass eaten and being too shy to ask. 

It wasn’t quite arousing, but it was really just… sweet, gentle, and intimate. More about her long hair tickling my ass cheeks than the actual, you know, the tongue going in my asshole. She had eaten a mint or chewed strong gum beforehand.  I felt minty afterwards. 

I couldn’t help thinking about my shit that morning.  My second shit, which had spinach leaves in it.  I kept thinking: don’t let her go so deep that she eats my shit spinach.  Then thinking about spinach made me think about Popeye and I had to keep trying not to laugh thinking about Popeye shooting a thin stream of fire from his pipe to open a can of spinach, and then pounding the contents, and his biceps expanding and appearing to contain an old-timey factory with dancing smokestacks that produced tanks which then shot Bluto in the face. I kept thinking what if she ate a piece of my ass spinach and turned into Popeye.

Anyway.

Protected: Hangover Diary

25 Jun

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Diary: The Big Date

23 Jun
nervous first date

image stolen from davidwygant.com

This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading