Tag Archives: jacking off

Even More on Beating Off

19 Jul

When I masturbate, my fantasy is that the girl is using no birth control and begs me not to cum in her, but I do anyway. And I think about how she’s definitely going to get pregnant, and it will ruin her life. That’s what it takes for me to get off. Continue reading

Product Review: I Rub My Duckie® Waterproof Vibrating Rubber Duck Adult Toy (Black)

18 Jul

Holy mother of fuck, how I have not been jacking off with a vibrator for my whole life? Nikol gave me this thing– as an “alternative sex educator,” she is constantly speaking at sex positive conferences and feminist porn seminars and other types of events where fat people talk about using dental dams, and she got this duck fuck product as swag.  I’ve tried girls’ vibes on my dick before, but only when they were in the room, and I was always on coke and couldn’t get a boner and etc.  This is the one time I’ve been able to try one in the privacy of my own home.

You know when you nut so fast that your dick doesn’t even have time to fully get hard?  And in its rush to become an erection it turns into this misshapen chub where the barrel is fairly thick except for some reason there’s a thin figure 8 waist in the middle, like your dick was wearing a Victorian corset, and the blood doesn’t quite reach your helmet so in general your dick looks like a floppy retarded pinhead, but the stimulation is so great that this retarded mutant half flaccid cock is spurting jizz all over the place with unprecedented speed and quantity, so that every drop is like that heavy, oozy first drop that you shoot so hard it hits the wall and makes a sound?  And you know how when this happens as you are holding this unwieldy flagging sausage on top of a vibrating plastic waterfowl that is not ergonomically designed to hold your penis in place and is in fact roughly jostling it around and it’s still pretty floppy so this firehose like bonanza of jizz sprays willy-nilly in hot thick spurts at crazy angles all over your room and possibly on your cat who is crouched mesmerized by the sound of the vibrating motor and a big hot oily drop manages to soak into every single dress shirt you had neatly pressed and hanging in your open closet, and what a god damn mess, but nutting that fast feels so weirdly great that you just don’t care?  No?  Then this product is for you.
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More on Porn

18 Mar

It’s funny that the kind of porn I want to watch– young, attractive people who appear to actually like each other having sex in non-gymnastic positions until he ejaculates in her– it’s funny that this is a fetish.  Specifically, if you don’t want to see a guy blow a fire-hydrant like load on a chicks face while she pretends to lick it up from around her mouth, you must watch “creampie” porn, which started out as just, you know, regular fucking except the guy blows his load inside her, and has devolved now into a whole subgenre where the girl lets the jizz dribble out of her gaping ass into a martini glass which is on top of a plexiglass coffee table so you can shoot from below, and then drinks out of the glass.  Or it’s one of those fake “amateur” porns that reintroduces theatrical acting into the porn, a scenario where the girl repeatedly says “don’t cum inside me don’t cum inside me” and then he cums inside her, albeit holding his dick so only the very tip is in her to insure the jizz remains fully visible as the camera cuts to it oozing out before panning up to the girl’s face where she is cartoonishly slanting her eyebrows into an “angry” expression while berating him.  You can’t just have a couple fucking and then he starts going a little faster, then suddenly grabs her real hard and pushes into her while holding her in a deathgrip like a koala bear on a eucalyptus and makes a dopey face likes he’s taking a shit and then relaxes.  Which is all I want to do in life, you know, just cum in a chick and then relax.  But you can’t see that in porn.  Continue reading

Diary: An Actress

16 Feb

I need to jack off, to that chick (REDACTED), whatever the fuck her name was.  She showed up to dinner with (REDACTED)’s parents wearing dark gray yoga pants and when her legs hit the right angle you could see the outline of her vagina.

She is hot.  Skinny, in good shape, perfect bone structure hot.  In her youtube videos she looks merely “quirky hot,” like, her face looks a little fuller and her teeth look like a mouth full of jagged chiclets and she just, you know, looks like the kind of chick you would see across a room and think “that chick is kind of hot.  Maybe I have a chance.”

Then in person it is clear she is the kind of chick with whom you have no chance.  She has that sleek, lithe build like a lemur, or one of those whippet-looking marsupials that just went extinct– the thyalacine.  A thyalacine I want to fuck.

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