She Left Me a Message
16 AugSaying she would have called me back, but she’d been cellphoneless all day. Cellphoneless getting pounded by huge unprotected cock from the love of her life.
I Have a Dream
15 AugEvery four months or so I’ll have a dream that I can suck my own dick. I’ll be—you know in dreams, sometimes you just appear in a situation—I’ll be there with my dick in my mouth, thinking “holy shit! It’s not a dream this time! I can really suck my own dick!” Continue reading
Tippy the Thirsty Squirrel
14 AugIf I didn’t have to fuck, I would move to Montana. Get a cabin; get some acreage. Out there you can own a pond. Maybe; I have no fucking idea. But I’m pretty sure you can get a place on a fuckton of land with a breathtaking view of snow capped mountains and possibly a creek running through it where you can flyfish, if you’re into flyfishing. Huge meadows, maybe lightly forested, that bloom in the spring with tiny delicate wildflowers. Songbirds massing on trees to pick berries in the fall; stopping through on their way to Panama. Elk. Deer. Wolves maybe. Bears. Maybe one nosy and mischievous bear with whom you are constantly in an arms race as he finds more and more fiendishly clever ways to get into your garbage and you find more and more Rube Goldbergian ways to keep him out, and you secretly respect and take delight in such an adversary until one day he mauls your dog and you have to just shoot him. Then he becomes an awesome rug for your hearth. His face snarling in the firelight, even though in life he just looked a bit curious and dumb like a gas station attendant who hasn’t done math in fifteen years trying to figure out a piece of long division. Continue reading
I Hope the Light Changes
11 AugSo I don’t have to keep avoiding eye contact with this man who risked his life for our country and is now destitute, while I live in comfort that I did nothing for.
Book Review: Women by Charles Bukowski (1st 49 Pages)
11 AugI see why women like Charles Bukowski.
It’s all about relationships. A soap opera about people in love, they break up, they get back together. Nevermind that he’s a blackhead-laden drunk who takes down a quart of hobo vodka and then kicks the shit out of them; it’s about boys and girls breaking up and getting back together and are they gonna break up and are they gonna get together and who’s he gonna get together with next. My mother gave me a book of Bukowski’s when I was 15. Here, she said, this guy is a good writer. I think you’ll like him. I didn’t. What the fuck did I know when I was fifteen. Hunter Thompson I could get at that age; boys’ stories about going on adventures. But Bukowski is for girls who can intuitively grasp that relationships are what’s important in life. I had no fucking idea of what relationships were like.
Continue reading
Diary: Halloween
10 AugI now hate Halloween after blowing my lunch hour buying a hair dryer for my Warren Beatty/ SHAMPOO costume and getting embroiled in a pre-Halloween day line at the Goodwill like it was 1939 and people were trying to get out of fucking Czechoslovakia, and it was caused by an elderly woman at the front disputing the price of a pair of underwear. No joke. Fighting for it like it was the last pair of high waisted rayon panties on earth and similarly her two dollars represented the very last American currency in existence. Or something. I should have just walked up and given her a buck, but you know, fuck helping people. Or I should have left. But I couldn’t risk it. I might never again have had an opportunity to purchase so perfect a replica of Warren Beatty’s hair dryer so cheaply again. When the world hands you an opportunity like that you have to fight for it, with every fiber of your being.
Mysis Relicta
9 Aug
I’m horny, and I would like to beat off, but I can’t. The reason is– I buy these special shrimp for my fish. They come in a huge frozen block and I have to saw off one little chunk for them at a time. Today I figured I would cut up a bunch all at once, since it’s a pain in the ass, and put them in a Ziploc® bag for future use. The shrimp smell awful, like rotten clams, and it’s that oily kind of smell, like garlic and onions have, that doesn’t come off you even after washing. The best you can do is kind of cover it up. Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 