Nest Egg
He was reviewing his finances. He’d worked two years. Now he had six months of money.
If I get fired tomorrow and couldn’t collect unemployment. Six months of the lifestyle to which I’m accustomed. About half to rent. Car payment. 30% of it’s interest even though the loan is 6% interest. The car was 16 grand but I’ll end up paying 29 grand if I stay on schedule. How financing works.
What do I have, he thought. The car. Some guitars. What else. My bike got stolen by the citizen offspring of undocumented whatever you call them now. Rent sixteen grand a year, shit not bolted down always stolen instantly. Like a doughnut on the beach snatched by seagulls. A laptop. An Xbox One with a used copy of The Witcher 3, which replaced a wife or girlfriend. 20 grand cash. 8 grand in credit card debt that had been charged off by the bank for two years now. That he’d been paying down 1% and 1% and 1% to keep Bank of America– actually Banc of America, their credit card division, from suing him. Garnishing wages. After paying 8 grand I owe $13,000 on a $16,000 car. If I pay a grand a month I’m out in about a year. Then hack away at the charge card. Call your creditor, Suze Orman told him. Ask to negotiate up to 50% off by offering one lump sum. They said fuck off.
Once the debt’s zeroed out I’ll still have the 20 grand. At that point I’ll have paid 21 thousand for the car; it’ll be worth 12. Other possessions clocking in at $1,100. I’ll have a net worth of thirty three thousand. The median for Americans my age. Except for school and a few months here and there he’d worked since fourteen. Farmhand on a cranberry bog. House painter. Laborer scraping pipes on a ladder on a scaffolding. 90 degree heat, face by a fan with sharp blades that sucked up every fume for miles. Brain damage. Body damage. Assembly line at a candle factory. Short order cook. Door to door salesman. Telemarketer. Register at a drug store in a neighborhood filled with the Russian Jewish elderly yelling and yelling about the flyer not applying to 32 oz. vs. 48 oz. Sunsweet Prune Juice with a Hint of Lemon. Views on Hitler softening. $4.25 an hour. Minus taxes. Janitor.
When I’ve paid off the car it it will break. Wouldn’t put it past them to have a chip in it. It reads the balance from J.P. Morgan Chase. If you read that in the paper it wouldn’t surprise you.
Another year and a half and the debt’s gone. If no additional purchases. No new TV with a higher contrast ratio. Deeper blacks. Even though a lot of The Witcher 3 takes place in caves. He needed a new mattress. Hips like an Irish wolfhound about to get mercy killed. Bones grinding into old springs. He needed new pants but 24.95 from H & M was fine. Who gave a fuck what he looked like anymore. He’d taken a work trip to Japan. A selfie at the Imperial Palace. His eye bags in sunlight like a skin graft from shaved scrotums stitched together. Black people get stomped by cops but white people wake up in their 30’s with a face that better be rich.
He was eligible for a 401(k). He read up. You can retire comfortably at 65 if you start saving at 23, said Forbes.com. Even with a relatively low yield of 6%. Every 401(k) he’d had earned 1%, lost 2.5% in fees. As for saving at 23: median household pre-tax income is $51,989 per year. Who saves on 40 grand net with a kid. It costs twice that for a school where gas huffing sasquatches don’t commit Rwandan machete genocide. Nobody has money. Nobody gets returns. We’ll all work till we’re dead. Eating shit, having to smile about it.
If I was married– if my wife could work part time. Cover rent. That’d be something. But there aren’t wives now.
If you’d invested back then you’d have money now, stupid, said Forbes.com. The interstitial Quote of the Day brought to you by Hewlett Packard. Hewlett Packard made printers that existed to lie about how much toner they had. So you’d have buy more toner from Hewlett Packard. When the machine told you your half full toner was empty you were encouraged to mail the old cartridge to Hewlett Packard, for the environment. Hewlett Packard then sold it to someone else. The CEO of Hewlett Packard ran for president. No one shot her.
If I cut back I can save two grand a month. How much more do I need. He searched Windows for “calculator.” It tried to sell him something. A feature of Windows 10 was you couldn’t just search files. You simultaneously searched the web with Bing, which offered monetized suggestions. They sold you the machine and the machine sold you things you auto-payed every month until they became invisible. He paid for Microsoft Office every month, for iCloud every month. He paid for his car every month; when he took it in for service the man told him he couldn’t check the brakes. These tires are so bald it’s dangerous for me to take the wheels off. You shouldn’t even be driving this car. They’d sold it to him a year ago. We offer factory spec tires: 900 parts, 400 labor. Financing was available.
He went to another web site and typed what he had and what he made and a 6% return and waited to hear how long until he could stop. The phone was ringing. The web site said 25 years. It was his birthday. He was 40.
**********
delicioustacos 
Just think if you vote for Trump all your problems magically vanish, like Hillary’s emails! Not.
prepaid phone $30/mo
shop around for auto insurance
nicotine gum, groceries, gas- costco
tires- americas tire
microsoft office? no- openoffice.
too much travel and entertainment.
pay credit card off ASAP and shred it- you have enough saved you dont need one for emergencies
yeah, im a cheapass.
At least he didn’t bitch about his stupid dead cat in this particular whiny rant.
Happy birthday.
The amount you’ll need to retire would be less if you moved to Ecuador.
You could also increase your income by writing a novel or college essays for illiterate Chinese kids.
its because you live comfortably. you want things like a new bed. eating out. you could easily get a computer on ebay that runs windows 7 and it’d work fine. but you want all the new comfy shit, got into more debt with a certified preowned subaru and so you are your own worst enemy.
Everybody can’t be Jesus.
I agree about most of what you said except the car. Having a shitty car that constantly breaks down or is on the verge of breaking down is fucking stressful. I guarantee that when the transmission finally goes out it will be when you are dead broke or need your car the most. He got a used late model car which was a good financial decision vs a new car which is a waste of money. He had to finance it, which sucks, but no one is perfect. LA without a car is impossible.
sure, but i agree more with “Rincewind” below. solid outline. there’s still a lot DT could do to cut down expenses. also living in a van/RV would be an option that he won’t ever entertain due to his attachment to the comfort of his current jackshack apt. corolla or honda civic are much cheaper and just as reliable as a fucking newer suburu with all the fancy shit. i still stick by my statement that we are our own worst enemies at the end of the day.
but hey wtf do i know i’m just the son of god.
no1 said he or any of us should get a shitty car that breaks down all the time. deltacos just wanted to do that with his old benz for kicks and aesthetics but the repairs were costing him more in the long run. a decent one would do the trick. look at mexicans, they somehow get around by bus or reliable used cars fine. stop being such weak bitches, who want middle class comfort but complain about paying the cost/debt for such comforts.
Spent all day watching videos on how to save money living in an RV. Cutting your own hair. Getting kicked out of parking lots. Stuff always breaking down. Can’t afford the RV unless I buy an old smelly one saturated with deep brown hues, yellow curtains, and fake brass lighting fixtures. Can’t afford to keep up the suburban lifestyle, either, and am not lazy enough to qualify to take free shit from other taxpayers. Someone I know hates her job working for the county arranging free or cheap housing for brown people who can’t figure out the language but have a prescient grasp of the answers to give that cause them to fit within the lines of administrative code.
I feel you, brother. Thank you for writing again.
🙂 you’re a much better Vonnegut than douchekowski 😁
I paid $1500 for a little van this spring and lived in it until… Right now, actually. Tucked away with my thriftstore microfiber down blanket ($.75) and an old smartphone that came from the same place (~$1). Rain pattering on the roof, cat asleep on the quilt.
I used to live between a meth dealer with lots of friends, and two yapping dogs that never slept. The front yard flooded when it rained. Every time something went wrong with that goddamned house we fixed it ourselves; the rent went up every time we called the landlord. The van sucks a hell of a lot less than renting with bad credit did. And I read more books now.
I’ll pay off my small business loan next month, and buy a van with a kitchenette next. Pretty excited about it. 🙂
Good morning, Delicious Tacos. This is Sorcerygod in Toronto, your future corporate CEO and friend. I haven’t bothered reading this month’s fictional missive by you; I am more focused on REALITY. *drily* You’ll forgive me, I’m sure.
Now then. I have news for you.
I am going to begin updating you on my life on a daily basis. Every day, you’ll see a brief paragraph or two from me on my life — things you can’t get anywhere else.
To find out what I’m doing on a larger scale, go to my website at:
http://www.sorcbutterflies.wordpress.com
To be brief, I plan on beginning seducing a rather large number of women in my home Metropolis of TORONTO, where my corporation QUADELITEDOM will be formed (and you will be based for the rest of your life).
The purpose in seducing them? So I can sort the wheat from the chaff, and take the best of them (those who are hottest and most obedient to me) and PROSTITUTE THEM in a pros-ring that will generate hundreds of thousands of dollars for me every business quarter. Or more.
*spreads hands*
You’ll forgive me, but I’m sexy, aggressive, and sort of …. dunno… BRILLIANT. And a white male, which is nice. The white ladies LIKE white men best. Or gods, as the case may be *amused playing smile*
So then, DELISH! *rubbing hands vigorously* That is today’s message for you. And now for your listening pleasure ……… my seduction theme-song. Think of all the money I’ll be making …… some of which will go to YOU …………..
(P.S. haters, before you hate on me, you can go suck my cock. You offer Delicious Tacos nothing but a parasitic peering on his priceless words. You’re useless and must die. Sorcerygod OUT.)
Says the troll who didn’t even read his god damn post.
I like the post even if it is wallowing in self pity but that’s what I expect. DT probably is his own worst enemy. But it’s relatable if you’re in that situation. I’m hopefully out of debt in the next year but who knows.
Something else tells me once I pay off the debt will be when the whole market and monetary system collapses. It’d just be my luck
Keep writing
SORCERYGOD MESSAGE, OCTOBER 6, 2016
Good morning, My Lord Delicious Tacos. It’s 10:56 AM in Toronto three hours ahead of your Pacific Time Zone. You must just be getting up and going to work in Los Angeles. Maybe even quick-checking your comments section for me.
You will notice that the losers are beginning to insult me with their comments. REMEMBER, My Lord, your website visitors CANNOT HELP YOU. ONLY I CAN.
*spreading hands*
I am beginning to search out women in Toronto to seduce in preparation for the founding of my second shot at a prostitution-ring. This business will provide the backbone of your future $750,000 salary with me as Veep of Mass Media standing tall and strong beside me.
I have decided to include some inspiration music to help your heart grow strong . . . and the Internet link where you can read the story about my FIRST attempt at a prostitution-ring. The second won’t fail, I can assure you. I will be rolling in money — and so will you.
Keep reading in the days to come.
THE NEWSPAPER ARTICLE ON MY ILLEGAL CRIMES:
http://spiritofwtf.com/post/10660655303/imprint-black-orchid-escort-service
THE SONG YOU MUST HEAR:
The least you could do is link better music.
Join a local credit union. Refinance the car through them at a lower rate…Then sell it. 3k on Craigslist will pick you up boring Corollas and Civics all day long. Not glamorous but reliable even when neglected.
Tire rack has cheap tires for everything…and brake pads and rotors. Take all that shit into a local mechanic, check car talk the mechanic-x files for reviews from hippie yuppie clueless liberal arts folks who are car-dumb.
Or get a Haynes manual, some ramps, and harbor freight spec tools and start learning to do the work yourself.
Craigslist for stuff. If you can put in a USB stick you can figure out how to get Windows 7, the last great non-nag operating system, for free. Ask your local tech nerd friend if you have questions. Open office or libre office, or just pirate something. Cut the cable cord. Steal your tv shows. Get an Amazon / Hulu / Netflix subscription. Switch to a phone through Virgin or something, cheaper (~40/mo) and they have brands that the average human has heard of.
Airbnb surplus rooms in your living space. Reevaluate food. Can of soup and half a good quality sausage is two good nights of dinner. Get noodles from an oriental market, better shit than Walmart Maruchan. Ramen with salmon bits, or ham and some nori, doesn’t taste like poverty at all. Making a bigass pan of granola takes an hour and can be breakfasts for a week without further prep.
A net worth of 33k….shit, man, you’ve got four years on me and are doing 24k better.
What is your tinder strategy? Do you do that thing where you like everyone and then later unlike the ones with fully developed brains and/or not lithe?
Move to Ukraine and teach English. You’ll get a nice 20 year old wife that will sire you 3 children and cook and clean for you.