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Scavenging Is Illegal

10 Apr
scavenging-is-illegal 2

Photo from numeroteca.org

Note: this piece steals many ideas from Adam Carolla.

I saw the first one right after Easter, on a garbage truck. “SCAVENGING IS ILLEGAL.” A picture of some poor fucker bent over a trash can trying to scrounge up a couple bucks worth of bottles and cans for a beer. They’ve finally done it. They have made a sign that would literally make Jesus Christ puke. Even the little crossed out baby sign on the dumpsters isn’t as bad. That one is trying to help people. You don’t have to throw out your baby, just take it to the firehouse. Also, what part of “Yard Waste Only” don’t you understand. But this one might as well be a huge middle finger flipping off a hobo and read “FUCK THE POOR.” Continue reading

Grow Up

15 Mar

“You better grow up” sounds like “you better be miserable.”  It sounds like “why are you not doing something that sucks right now.”  Why aren’t you home with your kids, swabbing shit out of the crack of their ass with a woefully inadequate hand-e-wipe.  Why aren’t you rich.  Why don’t you have a mortgage.  Why don’t you own your own home and if you do why aren’t you on the phone with the contractor right now improving it in a manner that will increase its value so you can flip it.  Why didn’t you get your cholesterol tested.  Why is your credit rating below eight hundred.  Why don’t you have kids yet and if you do why aren’t they enrolled in the finest schools.  Why don’t you have a complete cable and internet package with a million channels you will never have time to watch.

Your eggs are dying.  Your kid will be a mutant.  He’ll be born with no digestive tract and your life will be wheeling him around all day worried about finding a public rest room where you can empty his colostomy bag.  Why aren’t you married.  Why don’t you even have somebody you might marry.  Why does that person not have an advanced degree in a lucrative STEM field.  Why don’t you have an IRA– if you had begun investing when you were 22 you would have ten million dollars now due to logarithmic growth.  But don’t spend it– you’re gonna need ten times that much by the time you retire.  You will have cancer and Alzheimer’s and stroke and kidney failure and fifteen years worth of logarithmic growth will pay for one alcohol swab to swipe the crack of your ass.  Nobody’s gonna help you when your arm is just veiny turkey skin flapping off shivering tendons– why can’t you take some god damn personal responsibility. Continue reading

Coffee Shop Diary: The Shitter

13 Mar

I have to piss.  You are never going to be able to piss in this coffee shop. The rest room key has not once been on its appointed hook.  Other people ask about it, but you know the score. “Someone must be in there.”  Someone must be in there taking the longest shit in human history. They have one of those diseases where the organs liquefy and they are shitting them out one inch at a time.  Someone won’t leave the bowl till his asshole’s dry and he’s reading Infinite Jest taking care to study the footnotes within footnotes. Someone is building a supercomputer out of his own shit, or a life sized statue of Napoleon.  No one, no human being, could ever, for any legitimate reason, stay in a coffee shop bathroom that long.  What kind of person shits in a coffee shop. What kind of monster.  We’re all puttering around drinking hot liquids, we all have to piss, and you’re in there crafting a flock of origami swans out of C fold paper towels, you motherfucker.  And another guy just asked about it.  Now he gets to go in before me, if this shitter ever emerges.  Great.  No doubt he’s got a hot sauce burrito log to squeeze out too.  They are all shitting in coffee shops, these huns. Whatever happened to take a quick piss and you’re out.  Fuck anyone who even washes their hands.  Pussies.

Protected: My Stupid Fucking Ball Sack and its God Damn Demands

1 Mar

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Protected: The Internet Is Evil

26 Feb

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The Girls Cried When They Got Dillinger

12 Feb

dorner hope

Monica Quan was a human being who didn’t deserve to die.  Keith Lawrence was a human being who didn’t deserve to die.  Michael Crain  was a human being who didn’t deserve to die.  The San Bernardino deputy who died today didn’t deserve to die, although at least he saw it coming.  In any case, these people were murdered in cold blood.  Their mothers and fathers, their kids, their friends, are mourning.

Still, when I heard they got Dorner, I thought: fuck.

His fucking axle broke.  Ain’t it always some shit like that.  You have a perfect plan, and some random bullshit comes out of nowhere.  It was like he slipped on a banana peel.  They had Feds in Las Vegas, cops in Tijuana raiding hotels for him; they said he stole a boat, that he was stocking up on SCUBA gear.  He may have accomplices and caches of food and weapons; he’s using burner cell phones; he could have a whole network across the country and they may never catch him.  He could come out of nowhere at any time and kill any cop to get vengeance for everyone the cops ever fucked. And the cops became chickens without heads, falling over themselves to shoot up any pickup truck within 500 miles.  We saw what really moved them.  You call the cops and nothing happens.   When they were afraid for themselves, that’s when they kicked into high gear.
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Protected: New Years Eve

31 Dec

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Pet Theory: Barack Obama Sucks Now Because He Quit Smoking

12 Oct

You ever quit smoking?  For a year? Five years? A decade?

No.  No you didn’t.  Because if you ever smoked, you still look at a cigarette in front of you like it’s the other guy on the deserted island turning into a talking hot dog in those old Looney Tunes cartoons. You walk past one of those tall outdoor ashtrays with a nice long butt in it and you turn your head as you walk, track it with your eyes.  And your heart beats a little faster.  You imagine it– the feeling, the tickly rush over your limbs as you take that first deep drag, hold it in; your head takes off with sparkles and stars and suddenly everything’s going to be just fucking fine.  You will never feel that again.  You will never even feel “OK” again.  If anything remotely adversarial happens you will ascend into an ever-escalating paranoid freakout and blame everyone around you for everything bad that ever happened until you want to murder your own children with your bare hands. And you will never, ever be able to do anything about it. You didn’t quit smoking.  You’re just waiting too god damn long for your next cigarette. Fiending for decades while your mind slows and your soul turns into a hard flinchy thing that only knows hate.  Friends, family, society, helping people– who gives a fuck.  I need to glare out the window and mutter about those who done me wrong. Gonna get them back some day.  Once I get the energy.

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Protected: Diary 9-18-12: Suck My Fucking Dick, Mitt Romney

20 Sep

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Relax, It Doesn’t Matter Who’s President

8 Sep

Your taxes are not going to go up or down.  And if they do, who gives  a shit.  It won’t be a meaningful amount.  You are not barely hanging on by the amount that your taxes will increase.  You are not going to get some windfall by the amount your taxes will decrease.  They are not going to up the taxes enough that the debt and deficit are lowered meaningfully, nor are they going to lower them so that the debt and deficit are raised meaningfully.  All that shit, the money shit, is going to stay pretty much exactly the same.

If you can get an abortion now, you will still be able to get an abortion.  If you live in North Dakota, you will have to drive very far to get an abortion.  But you already have to drive very far to get an abortion.  You have to drive across the equivalent of France to get a fuel filter for a Japanese car, or a burrito.  If you live in North Dakota, you probably do not need or want or would consider having an abortion.  Why is it such a big fucking deal, the five abortions performed annually in North Dakota.  Or in Mississippi– when have you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi, and no matter how young they were, how poor, no matter how abusive and drunk the father is, how many babies he already has with thirty other women, how much chromosome damage the baby was going to have from the mother pounding from whatever clay jug labeled “XXX” they drink from in Mississippi– when was the last time you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi and not keeping the baby. Any state considering outlawing abortion is an entire state of Honey Boo Boo.  Every birth is from statutory rape by a multiple convict, and every six fingered IQ 80 baby is considered a huge blessing from Jesus where you wouldn’t even think about terminating the pregnancy.  Why do we argue so much about this. Continue reading