You know how it is– you go on a couple dates with someone and they go really well, but then you tell her you’re going to write her a bunch of letters while she’s in NY and you don’t, and then she comes back and she happens to be at the same party unbeknownst to you but you’re all hammered and it seems like a good idea to make out with a kind of weird leathery Russian chick on the dance floor, and this original person whom you actually like sees you and then you read about it on her twitter, and are flattered to be called a “fake boyfriend” but somewhat aghast that she witnessed you making out with and actually fingerbanging said leathery Eastern Bloc type who was possibly like 45 years old, but then you have a decent text exchange months later so it seems like everything is cool, and then you run into her at the Echo Park Von’s over by the eggs and she is in some kind of emotional distress that may or may not be amplified by bumping into you at the grocery store. It could have gone either way. But it went well. Continue reading
Weekend Journal 7-29-12
29 Jul
Yeah, Astrid boned a dude on the porch at a party. Then I went in the can with her while she was taking a piss and she stuck her finger in her pussy and pulled out a fingerful of jizz and tried to smear it on me.
We were watching an episode of MAMA’S FAMILY where the Harper household receives a series of obscene phone calls, which Thelma “Mama” Harper pronounces “OHB-seen.” I wanted to add voice over of the call saying stuff like “I’m gonna cut your pussy open with a box cutter and then shit in it and give you a shit baby” but MAMA’S FAMILY is shot with a stagey acting style that does not allow for realistic length pauses in phone scenes. In other words, Ken Berry or Vicki Lawrence or whoever will pick up the phone and say “hello,” then almost instantaneously begin reacting with revulsion to the imaginary voice on line, e.g. “you want to WHAT? With ICE CUBES?”
We were at a party, a going away party for my 22 year old friends; a small place but there are always 22 year old girls there. Astrid, I want you to know that I have had sex with the blonde girl who was into reading Tarot cards. I am disappointed that I was not able to discreetly convey that to you in situ. Usually when we are together near an attractive woman I have fucked I’m able to work it into conversation the way someone who went to Harvard works that into conversation. And you are appropriately impressed. She insists that I have a large penis; the sex was in fact painful for her and caused vaginal bleeding. I do not have a large penis. Her concept of penis size is completely out of left field. Continue reading
Junkie Ex Fiancee Part 2
26 JulShe was my first girlfriend. I got engaged to my first girlfriend. She wasn’t very attractive. Almost a midget, she was like– I’m sorry, not a midget… not a generic little person either– she was almost a dwarf. She was 4′ 11″ and had to some degree the slighly out of proportion head and limbs of someone with true dwarfism, or achondroplasia. Like Warwick Davis or Weeman from Jackass.
Her fingers were stumpy, like little baby carrots, and her feet were preternaturally broad and short like hobbit-feet. In fact overall she was almost gnomelike in appearance… homonculoid… she got fat, too, once she started doing a lot of smack…
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Junkie Ex Fiancee
25 JulThe first time she told me she was pregnant she was just making it up. Chicks do that, I guess, just to fuck with you. But the second time I saw the little blue pee-stick in the trash and I knew the shitstorm was coming. In no way did being pregnant slow down her vodka and opiate-consuming needs– on the contrary, the stress of the situation made her want to take more. We would be fucking, she on top of me on a little– you know those fucking chair-mattress things, in our friends’ guest bedroom, and suddenly some combination of pills and hormones would kick in and she’d start mumbling and crying, talking about how much she loved me and needed me, and if I ever went away she’d kill herself. Then she’d get a wild look in her eye, piss herself (on my cock,) and pass out on top of me. When she passed out suddenly it was like a corpse– there was no way you were getting her up again. She would piss the bed every night– we were staying with a bunch of friends (even though we both had perfectly viable apartments,) and she would kind of moan and burble and it would spout out of her while she slept. You couldn’t wake her up. Every night I would have to just roll over the corpse, rip the sheets out from under her and drag them down to the basement laundry as the urine on my pajamas cooled against my skin.
Here’s to You Baby, Have a Beautiful Day
23 JulI heard you were fucking some cop from Orange County, and you went out to stay in his condo on some river in Arizona, and you took Faye with you, and that she fucked him while you were there. And now you’re pissed at her. I heard you fucked Donny, the lord of the douchebags, and he went around telling everybody you had big floppy taco tits. I heard you fucked Steve Norwood, the hunchback albino, and that he went around telling everybody you had a loose pussy. I heard right after you dated me you got back together with your ex, the worst screenwriter in Hollywood– you were always waxing Proustian about how he was evil and abusive. But you got back together with him. And then you complained about him again. I heard you fucked like hundreds and hundreds of guys. I know you didn’t make me wear a condom so you probably didn’t make them either. You probably have herpes.
But I would still get back together with you.
Cyberpussying
17 JulUPDATE: The girl’s offending post can still be viewed here.
Roosh tweeted about this girl who wrote a blog about how guys buy her shit, and presumably are content to go unfucked in spite of this because she’s such a delight. She’s taken the post down due to an apparent zerg rush of commenters telling her she was a whore and a 3 out of 10 and etc. and substituted a post about how she’s the victim of cyberbullying.
I tried to leave her this reasonably constructive comment, but she blocked it. She is only allowing her fellow bottle blondes to leave condolence messages bolstering her self-pity I guess. So I’m posting it here.
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For your own well-being, I think it’s best that you toughen up a bit. People on the internet are gonna be mean, especially if you do something like detail all the free stuff you get from dudes. The correct response is to laugh it off. To be happy for the page views. Continue reading
Sticking It in the Shitpipe
16 JulI’ve only had anal sex once. With an old girlfriend who really liked it and got off on it. This means, it was no fun. You expect a maddeningly tight hole that grips your dick vice-like as the girl’s body involuntarily tries to shove it out in terror. A pinhole that draws back horrified from your encroaching meat, that when finally forced to yield is like conquering a ten year old schoolgirl’s hairless virgin cooch in the field hockey locker room. But no, it’s just another hole. Less than another hole– there’s about a half inch of tightness around the actual butthole, but the actual inside of the colon is like a blimp hangar; only one side of your dick is ever touching weird ridgy tissue at any given time. The further you penetrate, the more your helmet is just gasping in open air.
Plus, it’s disgusting, obviously, to think of sticking your dick in shit. The dick you meticulously lather thrice each morning with Lever 2000™ and delicately scrub down, so it’s as clean as a newborn baby possum when it drops into a fresh pair of boxer briefs. Sticking your dick in a shitty ass is like stepping in dog crap in dress shoes– you may, gagging, scrub the offending waste off, but the shoes will forever have just a touch of haram about them. If you pull your dick out of an ass and see shit, you will become Lady Macbeth. It will be forever tainted. If a girl sucks you off and then tries to kiss you, you will imagine her mouth as a cat’s asshole, pink and puckering and rimmed with tiny black crumbs, with perhaps a lone worm squirming out.
New Book
delicioustacos 