Because we all know you like to be made to laugh; you’ve told us, over and over and over again. Collectively you have said “live laugh love” or “make me laugh” a thousand million billion times. Or you’ve put up the whorish-sounding “make me laugh and you can make me do anything.” Make me laugh and you can sneak it in my ass, is that what this means? Make me laugh and you can jerk off in my mouth while watching porn? Make me laugh and I will fuck guys off craigslist and bring you back the money? I mean, I shouldn’t complain about this– I am not a professional comedian, but I consider myself funny. And girls do in fact “do anything,” although the “anything” that I’m asking for is just to fuck me in the most vanilla manner imaginable. I don’t require that they cook me a meal or take me on a date or engage me intellectually or anything, and they certainly haven’t offered. Make me laugh and you can make me do anything. That pretty much spells it out– you bring the personality, I’ll bring the pussy.
I Don’t Want
27 Marto go out with you. I want to just fuck you. But I don’t want to fuck the kind of girl who just fucks you. And I don’t want to go out with the kind of girl who just goes out with you. I want to fuck the kind of girl who goes out with you, and go out with the kind of girl who just fucks you.
The Legend of Zelda
17 MarGoing out and trying to meet a girl at a bar is like, when in Legend of Zelda, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why Legend of Zelda sucked.
Diary: Sitting in the Park
16 MarOK. Sitting in the park. Opted to write over playing guitar. This is therefore the one day when a hot available chick would have been walking in the park, heard my magnificent guitar playing, stopped and talked to me, and then had sex with me. Stayed with me for all my long days and borne me many children. Now instead I will die alone.
Reader Mailbag: BF Out of My League
15 Mar(REDACTED) asks:
I guess I want to know why an incredible good looking man would date an average looking woman…I met a hot as hell man who should be dating a supermodel and for some reason he has an interest in me, he’s not pushing sex at all, so I dont think its him thinking I’m desperate and he could easily get into my pants…he just wants to hang out and gives me amazing kisses. I dont get it. I’m an hour away, I dont drive, I dont have a job and I’m very average looking and a little chubby. I’m just not sure how to proceed with him.
Uh, who cares? Pussy is pussy. Or in your case, dick is dick. Or, non-dick is non-dick, since you say he isn’t using you for sex.
Wait, why is that a good thing, that he isn’t fucking you. That he isn’t “pushing” to fuck you. Fucking is good.
I mean, I don’t know why he wants to date you. But who cares. I used to think that all the time—why on earth would this girl want to be with me, etc. Every time. Every time they would stop dating me. No good can ever come of thinking this. Continue reading
To Noelle, on the Occasion of Her Underboob Tattoo
12 MarI am going to build a high school guidance counselor’s office. Every motivational poster, every prop, everything. I’m going to put on a cardigan and tie.
Every so often I’m going to call you in. I will be looking forward to this bright spot in my week. You are one of our most promising students— not like the rest of these pregnant, glue-sniffing fuckups. You’re smart and pleasant and goddamn can you put a sentence together. Maybe you’ll be a journalist, or a lawyer or something. Or a congresswoman!
You will walk in and I will not be able to hide the gleefully expectant look on my face as I ask what you’ve been up to lately.
After you leave, I will sob quietly into my travel mug for hours.
Friends of Nikol
9 MarFor people who see all these health updates and are worried, I mean- yes, it is bad, obviously.
But you should know that Nikol is still Nikol. When you are around her, she still acts like the Nikol you know. Even with the 104 fever and softball sized subcutaneous lumps of pure blood poison and needle marks and hair and eyebrow loss and etc., when you are talking to her, it’s still, you know– she is still the same funny and vulgar person. You don’t get the impression that you are dealing with some sort of late night infomercial shit like this is Pedro and he can’t afford shoes so he can’t walk to school because worms will go into the soles of his feet and into his brain and even if he had shoes there is no school to go to anyway and if there were it would be a catch 22 because the brain you were hoping to educate would have been eaten by the worms, but all this could change for the price of a cup of coffee. Nikol is not doing a half assed job of swiping flies away from her eyeballs and stroking a gas-bloated stomach while a lone vulture looks on. She feels bad a lot but is still Nikol and can complain about the whole thing humorously.
Or maybe that’s just for me and the rest of you get some Debra Winger shit, who knows. But I find it reassuring and I thought you should know that she is still fun to spend time with. People get sick and you get scared that when you visit them you’re walking into a Meredith Baxter Birney Lifetime movie, but it’s not gonna be like that. You’re gonna be drinking beers and talking about dicks just like old times. Or whatever you normally discuss. Needlepoint maybe.
So go visit Nikol. Or don’t, if she wants to be left alone. I should have asked her before I wrote this.
For people who don’t know Nikol, she’s my friend who has cancer and is possibly gonna bite it.
Diary 4/2/11: David Foster Wallace
6 MarI got the new David Foster Wallace. It doesn’t come out for a few weeks, so, I got it early. Because I am the type of person who can call swanky book agents and request early copies of high profile books because I can pretend I am interested in making it into a movie. So now I am taking this book everywhere. Hoping someone will notice. Hoping someone who is a) attractive, b) a woman, and c) between the ages of 18 and 33, will know a) who David Foster Wallace is, b) despite the fact that he is dead, he has a new book coming out, and c) that this book does not come out for two more weeks and therefore this man who is carrying it must be interesting and important.
This has never worked in the past. Particularly not with my galley of THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING that I conspicuously left on my end table for months before it was published, taking care to write the name of the book in sharpie on the unmarked ICM covers. Even though everyone says they love Joan Didion.
I think, for this to work, it would have to be something by David Sedaris. All girls say they love David Sedaris. In fact, every single girl in the entire internet dating universe lists their favorite book as “anything by David Sedaris.” So now I will have to find out when David Sedaris has a new book coming out, procure a copy from his agent for film and television rights consideration, and walk around town with whatever side says (book you’ve never heard of by David Sedaris,even though you love David Sedaris and know about everything he’s ever written) facing out, and then make quick eye contact with whatever attractive woman happens by and squints briefly in puzzlement at the cover. Which sucks, because Sedaris just had a new one, that one about animals, and he only comes out with a book like every three years.
Douches
4 MarI told a couple people to come to a pool party I’m going to at some Hollywood club. They said no, it would be “douchey.”
This is accurate, but what people need to understand is that douches fuck. Douches dress like douches because there are girls that like to fuck douches, and girls who hang out with douches like to fuck. They don’t like to read David Foster Wallace and discuss vegan restaurants; they like to fuck.
Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 