America

4 Jul

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They canceled summer. No beach no fireworks. They’ll stop corona deaths until the same number happen later. There will be no vaccine, treatment or cure. People are mad and they’ll get madder until they have riots that spread corona. Spike, lockdown, people get mad and they cancel fall. I support Black Lives Matter. And George Floyd led an admirable lifestyle. But no matter what, if you get in a time machine and come out in 50 years they’ll still be pissed off. On the other hand, there will still be corona. So let them march. But let me look at pelicans too. Puffy cunt cracks. Continue reading →

The Rage

3 Jul

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I’m at the pond on a bench typing and a dork walks by with two whores and starts threatening me. I see you, he says. I see how you looking at them. He’s got blonde hair but a Mexican face and he talks like he’s making up for how white he looks. Talks so hood I can’t understand him but they look like a billboard for community college. Something something I’ll sock you up he says, and I just say what? I don’t know what sock you up means. I get confused in these situations. What the fuck are you saying, I say. Really meaning it. I really want to know. Continue reading →

Weekend Journal: Peace and Love

7 Jun

The Gun Range

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Saturday I went to the gun range. To sight in my pandemic gun. Rioters could come up the stairs. Out of the box it shot 6 inches right at 25 yards. If I miss I’m a Haitian Revolution woodcut. The Ruger 10/22 Takedown has a factory sight that’s not adjustable for windage. Instead per the manual you: Continue reading →

The Mud Dauber

29 May

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I saw a big long hornet flying around the electrical conduit for the floodlights. Big as a murder hornet. Saw that it had built a mud nest where the conduit runs into the wall. So I took a broomstick and knocked half the nest off. I wrote about it on Twitter. Someone told me it was a mud dauber. Continue reading →

May I Stop Now Please

25 May

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The problem is nothing happens.

I read “A Small, Good Thing” by Raymond Carver. I’ll never write anything that good. Just a fact. I remember reading it in freshman English in high school. It had no impact. No one should study literature before 40. Teenagers are for fucking. Continue reading →

Corona Diaries: Is Kevin Dead

21 Apr

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Posting to promote my new book Savage Spear of the Unicorn

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Corona Diaries: The Cunt Next Door

16 Apr

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The cunt next door has landscapers with leaf blowers. 7AM second day this week. Maybe today will suck. Felt great in the shower. Then looked askance at the soap. Glanced slightly left to check on the Lever 2000 and it crippled my neck back and shoulder in a way where sitting or standing or lying down is painful. OK. The cunt next door needs constant landscaping. Tony Iommi Iron Man drone of gas powered lawn tools screaming and groaning at all times to tell her she’s made it. She’ll pay 7 dollars an hour ten hours a day 8 days a week for a mariachi band with the tubas hooked up to Phil Lesh’s 32 foot speakers from the Grateful Dead’s 1974 Wall of Sound just to keep me from making a fucking blog post before work. From performing my quarantine work from home in a competent manner. She wants me to be miserable, get fired and have my penis fall off. She’ll succeed. Continue reading →

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Huge Succulent Jugs

14 Apr

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Posting to get page views for my new book, out now.

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I’m grateful to be alive. Continue reading →

Passionately Romancing Jennifer Aniston’s Meatflaps

13 Apr

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This is the last Delicious Tacos book. The next one will be my real name. Augustus Beaujolais. Mortimer Q. Fagballs. Whatever my real name is, I don’t remember anymore. I’d pretend to be tired of this “persona” but I’m tired of the real version of me that has to work. I’d like to get more into my persona, become Hitler McFucksteens, get back into coke, drink, huff gas, move to Oonga Boonga Philippines and have a high school age girlfriend, et cetera. Continue reading →

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Corona Diaries: We’re Not Gonna Make It

1 Apr

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My aunt has coronavirus. Multiple comorbidities. In a hospital in New York. She won’t make it. Continue reading →

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