Tags: cocaine, jim nabors' mutant-huge dong, manic pixie dream cunt, panty sniffing
Suicide Girls
15 Jan
image stolen from nytimes.com
Right before the plane took off she sent me an email. Said she was going to kill herself. Cut-and-pasted the research she was doing on method. Pills, carbon monoxide, helium. I knew all of these. Used to hear about them in texts from Astrid. Before that, other women.
They’re great communicators. They know to show not tell that they’re serious. A mere ”I am going to kill myself” means nothing from a woman. Even Anne Sexton and Sylvia fucking Plath wrote volumes of warnings first. Dragged it out over years. If you hear it from me once, I’m already dead. Went out with a bullet hoping WordPress’ “schedule future post” feature worked. Continue reading
Drunk Thoughts on Global Capitalism
8 Jan
Previously on “Drunk Thoughts”
Last night I consumed a pint of Christian Brothers® brandy from Royale Junior Liquor Market and sat down to determine my position on global capitalism and the future of the labor market. This was not inspired by Drunk History:
There are three people who want a job for every job. This doesn’t count people who said “fuck it” and just left the workforce. People underemployed, part time, cleaning toilets with a lit degree.
We don’t make anything physical in America now. The thing we do make, computer code– Mark Zuckerberg is lobbying congress so he can import labor for it. Otherwise he might have to train people. Those people might take that training and do something with it other than make him richer. Can’t have that.
It will get worse. Practically, there will be no jobs soon. First you will be replaced by cheap overseas labor. Then cheap overseas labor will be replaced by robots.
We hear this and we ask: but what will we do for work?
How will we be slaves? Continue reading
The Thirst
8 Jan
image stolen from 6thgradeliteraturevocabulary2011.wikispaces.com
Now I need pussy again. Even though it hasn’t been long. Barely even fucked the last girl; she got scared and asked me to stop. I reminded her of some past trauma. But it went in. It counts. What was that, six weeks. Already I’m ugly in the mirror. Two weeks off from the gym and my body is pasty and fat. Objectively there’s maybe a three per cent difference. If I’d just torn off a new piece of young ass I’d look within striking distance of Ryan Reynolds, soft bathroom light be damned. Six weeks.
I’m acutely aware of my lack of money, my lack of job prospects, the filth in my house. Cat hair, grease and spiderwebs everywhere. Boxes of old bills and DMV letters I don’t need but can’t be assed to sort through. Fish tank with long tufts of kelly green algae blowing in the filter current. Edges of the cat’s litter box spattered with shit. Taint smelling underwear hanging off furniture like Tibetan prayer flags. When you stop getting laid this shit starts to matter. Not that I’m going to do anything about it. Continue reading
Everybody Relax
15 Dec
image stolen from allleftturns.com
You will be raped. Your children will be sex trafficked. You will be denied Equal Pay by a White Male. Sexually harassed by a White Male. Sent an inappropriate OKCupid message by a White Male. A White Hetcis Male, to be clear. The gays are OK. You will be stranger raped. Flailing with your keys sticking out between your fingers like they taught you in self defense class. It does nothing. They didn’t teach you how to throw a punch to begin with. When I can walk down the street without fear we will be equal, you say as you recoil from a house spider. You will be catcalled. White Males will shout at you on the street. You will be raped. You will be date raped, gray raped, you will be date rape drugged. You or your children will be sweet talked into drinking Everclear and group fingerfucked by the White Male football team. Your rapist will be someone you know and trust. The call is coming from inside the house. He will rape you with his Rape Culture. Your White Male boss will sexually harass you. Strip you of your equal pay. The White Males in congress will throw WOC’s and genderqueers in rape camps. If you don’t know what “WOC” means you are a rapist. You will be oppressed until no film, TV show or magazine adequately reflects your point of view. The writing staff of your favorite series will be understocked with Black and Latina women. The network made a whole diversity program and everything. Then all they did was hire one Korean broad out of Harvard. You will be raped. Yoga pants will not be available in your size forever. You will cry out on the internet. And a man, a man, a White Male will tweet something at you in response. Something mean. A rape threat. A death threat. You will be raped and murdered and raped by raping rapists on Twitter by tweets and comments and trolls. Check your privilege, you cry vainly. You will shout your pain into the wind as you are raped. Continue reading
These Kids Today
10 Dec
I met a girl at a party and took her to my car to make out. Choke me, she said. I was parked on a well lit public street. Even better. Get her topless and clamp her neck between my arms; she is excited that a cop might drive by. Nowadays every girl under 25 is a cenobite. They want to be choked, hit, fake raped. They want to lacerate you with sharp nails, scratch at your nipples, bite your bottom lip and draw blood. They all squirt. Ten years ago nobody squirted. It just didn’t exist. Now everybody squirts. Everybody deep throats. Everybody’s into BDSM. She’s a sub telling you on the first date that she needs a forearm in the throat to cum. Or she’s a “pro domme.” No such thing as an amateur domme. Dommes all get paid. Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 