delicioustacos

Girls who can get off, and girls who can’t get off

Every few months there’s a scientific study about how only point eight, or whatever, percent of girls can really get off through vaginal penetration. Something on Jezebel, or some shit, and then all the comments (that don’t somehow work hating men into it) are talking about how more guys have to give better head, etc.

Virtually all girls seem to get off with me, but I accept that this is a lie. If they want to pretend to get off, and not tell me, fine. I’m not going to press the issue. If a girl gets to the point in life where she’s fucking me, generally she’s fucked a thousand or so guys before me and if she can’t figure out how to come on a dick– old dog, new trick. And frankly I don’t care.

There are a couple girls who clearly actually get off, or at least put on such a kegel-and-light show that even the foremost expert couldn’t tell they’re faking. Girls who get off early, and get off multiple times. This is great, obviously, especially because if a girl pops in the first minute sometimes it’s nice, for once in your life, to give in to your own urge to pop off real fast. Nothing on this Earth feels better than premature ejaculation. Nature’s way.
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Tags: frigidity, fucking, otto von bismarck, sex, the female orgasm, the g spot

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Women

Peanut Allergies

3 Feb

I had a buddy who was allergic to nuts. Before it was cool. I didn’t even know about it until a dish featuring almonds was served and he politely declined. He just tactfully, simply stated: “I can’t, I’m allergic to nuts.”

No one does that now. Anyone who is allergic to nuts, or especially people whose children are allergic to “peanuts and tree nuts,” which like “autism spectrum disorder” is now something that happens to approximately seventy per cent of all rich kids—everyone who is allergic to nuts makes it into this big movie-of-the-week where they’re going to swell up and die just from looking at a god damn peanut. Continue reading →

Tags: black history month, children, children who should die, george washington carver, h.p. lovecraft, hysteria, neptune's ball sac, peanut alergies, peanut and tree nut allergies, peanuts

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Rants

Girls Who Like to Get Fake Raped

2 Feb

I have a friend who has a rape buddy. She texts him with a few hours notice, and at some point that night he comes over, fakes breaking into her house, and fake rapes her. Knowing her she probably screams her fool head off and is completely committed to yelling “no” and “stop” and fighting back, etc., and basically— like, I bet she did not arrange with him to back off when she says “banana.” Once she hits send, the rape train is coming to town.

Obviously, this is weird, but this is the kind of girl who had a real rough life and you sort of expect these things. Similarly my college ex girlfriend lost her virginity by being gang raped at fifteen and she used to beg me to fake rape her. I couldn’t do it without cracking up. It seemed to me like the dude who studies karate and when you’re drunk he says “punch me.” Like, no, it doesn’t work that way. How about some time in the next few weeks I’m going to come up behind you and punch you when you least expect it. Some time in the next month a van will pull up and a masked man will throw you in back and he will not stop when you say “banana.” And it might not even be me. I might farm this one out. You think it’s going to be me, but in fact it’s my roommate McClure and I’m getting him back for that case of Yuengling he bought.

Anyway, this came up again last night because I went on a first date with a girl who likes to get fake raped. Needs to get fake raped. It came up early, as these things often don’t— I forget what we were even talking about beforehand but she came out with how she had to dump a guy because he was too much of a pussy to choke her. She was saying that it’s a symptom of the decline of manliness basically— men are too pussified to hold a girl down and smack her around, and that’s what women really want. Her, anyway. To get choked once in a while and held down and fucked even if they say no. It felt like a let’s-get-this-out-of-the-way-early thing. And it kind of felt like a don’t-stop-fucking-me-when-I-say-no-later kind of thing.
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Tags: date rape, dating, fake rape, gray rape, okcupid, rape, sex, sex offences, winston churchill

Comments 42 Comments
Categories OKCupid/ Dating, Women

Protected: Male Birth Control

1 Feb

Tags: AIDS, birth control, condoms, creampies, genital warts, herpes, IUDs, male birth control, nut electrocution, okcupid, sex education, the league of nations, unprotected sex

Categories Rants

Diary: The Dogs Bark

1 Feb

The stupid fucking barking dogs. Incessantly, always barking. They begin at about seven every morning. Must be when they’re let out of the house. They walk out the door and down the steps to the front gate and just stand there and bark without ever stopping even for one second. Bark bark bark. Bark bark bark. And of course, there are fifteen other houses on the street with multiple loud, unruly dogs, who all join in a chorus of bark bark bark, bark bark bark. But these two, this neurotic border collie mix and his little white terrier buddy– the smaller dog, as is often the case, seeming like the boss– these two are the instigators. These are the guys who will bark at anything, must bark at everything. If you are in doubt about whether you should bark at something, you better bark at it. Continue reading →

Tags: alabama, animal cruelty, border collies, cesar millan, dogs, i wonder if that thing with peanut butter on your dick really works, terriers, that weird leathery lesbian down the street

Comments 12 Comments
Categories Rants

Back from the Pussy War

31 Jan

I’m back from the pussy war. This is the war that men fight for 20 years, starting at around age 15. Maybe sooner. You spend 20 years thinking about nothing but pussy, how to get pussy, I need new pussy, where is there going to be pussy. You get out there in the trenches and you battle for pussy, you learn about the enemy, you try to take them down.

Now I’m thirty-five and a half and some hormonal switch has been thrown. Maybe it’s just age, maybe it’s my job crushing it out of me—who knows. But I no longer give a shit about pussy. I’m back from the pussy war. Continue reading →

Tags: newt gingrich's mom, osama bin laden, pussy, the middle east, war

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Women

Did you ever

31 Jan

know someone who owned a ferret? Didn’t they always go out of their way to tell you they were the pet of kings in olden times? Always, really defensively, they would say that. Like, as if anticipating you saying “this musk-secreting weasel is going to make your house smell like taint,” they hit you with “you know historically, ferrets could only be owned by royalty.” As though somehow this makes them royalty, having this special weasel. Or like, some hot girl is going to be transported in time from 16th century Bohemia into their apartment, and see the ferret, and just start blowing them because they must be the king.

Also: have you ever known someone that had a ferret, and then you saw them again two years later, and they still had a ferret? No. Never.

Tags: 16th century bohemia, ferrets, pets