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Ass Eating

26 Jun

A girl was eating my ass. It was my first time. I had merely asked her to tickle my back but she misinterpreted this as wanting my ass eaten and being too shy to ask. 

It wasn’t quite arousing, but it was really just… sweet, gentle, and intimate. More about her long hair tickling my ass cheeks than the actual, you know, the tongue going in my asshole. She had eaten a mint or chewed strong gum beforehand.  I felt minty afterwards. 

I couldn’t help thinking about my shit that morning.  My second shit, which had spinach leaves in it.  I kept thinking: don’t let her go so deep that she eats my shit spinach.  Then thinking about spinach made me think about Popeye and I had to keep trying not to laugh thinking about Popeye shooting a thin stream of fire from his pipe to open a can of spinach, and then pounding the contents, and his biceps expanding and appearing to contain an old-timey factory with dancing smokestacks that produced tanks which then shot Bluto in the face. I kept thinking what if she ate a piece of my ass spinach and turned into Popeye.

Anyway.

Diary: The Big Date

23 Jun
nervous first date

image stolen from davidwygant.com

This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading

Protected: OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life

6 Apr

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44 OKCupid Openers

26 Mar

My new collection The Pussy is out. Pay for The Pussy, own The Pussy, put The Pussy on a pedestal, etc.

These are all ones I’ve actually used:

1) You know, I bet Jennifer Connelly’s own mother looks at her and thinks “ass to ass.”

2) You are attractive, and I want to go out with you.

Basically.

3) Let’s get coffee in a well-lit public place and then rut urgently, like jackals.

4) Haruki Murakami has no idea how much ass he’s leaving on the table not having a profile here.

5) I want to take that picture of you (doing stupid thing) and paint it on the ceiling of a church.

6) I want that picture of you (doing stupid thing) tattooed on the back of my eyelids.

7) I want to take that picture of you (doing stupid thing) and engrave it on a plate of purest gold; launch it into deep space so it’s the first evidence aliens find of our civilization.

8) When you (did that stupid thing in your picture), that was your Ulysses. You were put on Earth for that moment.

9) You and me are gonna have houses, cars, servants (username). We’re gonna have so many yachts we’ll begin calling them merely “boats” to differentiate ourselves from the nouveaux riches who gauchely call them “yachts.” How about it.

10) Just saying I would honor and respect the living fuck out of you.

11) One day I’m gonna lasso a bull Tyrannosaur and ride him into the heart of the sun to the strains of some motherfucking Motorhead, and if you want to hold me back, I fucking dare you to try. Also, you look good in that sweater.

12) You seem like the type of girl whose last words are gonna be “hold my beer, watch this.”

13) No pressure but if you don’t message me back a nest of cute baby birds will be stomped beneath Hitler’s boot. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: How’s OKCupid Working Out?

25 Mar

worldwarzpostersmall

Background here.

(REDACTED) asks:

Hey Cornelius,

How has the new “You should message me if…” section been working out?

Not well, but who gives a shit. I had one date. A girl I messaged when she had no picture. When it finally went up she was cute, but we had established rapport. If OKCupid’s  World War Z unlaid hordes had known she was hot before I talked to her, who knows. The date was OK but we will not go out again. She is allergic to cats, and also, she does not like me.

Sent out a couple other messages, got nothing. They were my copypasta:

“I want to go out with you.

Basically.”

The girls were cute and seemed interesting. Their bones had been picked clean by World War Z no doubt. Continue reading

Protected: Some Day

20 Mar

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Protected: Diary: Valentine’s Day

12 Mar

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You Should Message Me If Part 2

2 Mar

okc robot

I’m bored with OKCupid.  Thinking about nuking my profile by putting this as the new “You Should Message Me If” section:

Look, just fuck me, for Christ’s sake.  Why do I have to write this god damn essay like I’m applying for college.  Why don’t we just admit that’s what this web site is for.  You’re not gonna meet your husband on here.  You’re gonna meet your husband at work where you’re forced to be around him without an agenda.  You two will slowly grow on one another.  That’s how relationships happen.  Me, you’re gonna let me buy you a couple cheap wines and wake up groggy in the morning with my boner grinding your butt crack.  We will make a half hearted plan to meet up at some art show; whichever one of us is better looking will flake, and we will never speak again.  Why do this fucking kabuki dance.  When you meet your true love in ordinary life I will congratulate you.
Continue reading

Guest Post at Nikol Hasler Dot Motherfucking Com

14 Feb

I guest posted for my beloved Nikol over at her web site.  It’s called “Take Valentine’s Day and Shove It Right Up Your Stupid Ass.”  Have a look.

No New Messages

9 Feb

I want this 20 year old girl to message me back.  This 20 year old girl with big tits and a big ass and a cute face, good bone structure, 20 years old.  Looking for casual sex.  What kind of sexual experience, she asked, do I have to give you to get my own entry on your blog.  I ought not to have answered while drunk.  A terrible one, obviously, I said.  A shitty one.  Well it’s the truth.  If you just come over and talk to me and fuck me good and we’re not alone in the world for five minutes, where’s the fun in that.  I need you to get in my head.  I need you to hit me right away with the foreknowledge of loss.  That’s what Gertrude pulled off.  She had her flaws but I knew she was gonna leave me so there was something to think about.  Plus I needed someone to come over and pick up booze on the way home.  Life is pretty simple.