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They’re Gonna Hang My Cock from the Rafters

22 May

I can’t be bothered to go on a fucking date anymore.  The whole thing has just become so joyless.  And  it’s not them; it’s me.  There are plenty of nice attractive girls.  I get unsolicited OKCupid messages from them.  It would be so easy.  But… fuck it.

There was an old episode of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION.  Or maybe DEEP SPACE NINE.  What happens is, the Klingon messiah from thousands of years ago comes back to life.  Kahless.  And there is debate among the Klingon community as to whether it’s the real guy, or merely a clone.  As one would expect with Klingons, words are not enough to settle the dispute and there has to be a ritualistic duel of champions with crazy crescent shaped two handed knives.

So the pro-Kahless and anti-Kahless guy are having this grim battle with the knives; sour, determined faces, cunning and strategy; and Kahless steps in and is like- “what the fuck is the matter with you guys? You are taking no JOY in this! We’re Klingons! We fucking LOVE fighting– you guys look miserable!”

That’s what internet dating feels like to me now.  And dating at large. I love dating; I love women, but it’s become just this rote, mercenary thing, you know.  It’s become an assembly line.  Find girl.  Message girl two to three sentences exactly– longer messages and shorter messages get far fewer responses. Fifty per cent of the time they respond, almost always continuing whatever joke I made.  I “cut the thread,” say some other funny thing that is unrelated, and ask for the number. Fifty per cent of the time I get it. Ten minute phone call on the drive home a day later.  Propose a specific plan. A specific bar on a specific night, and the bar is a place close to my house that serves artisanal beers with undetectably but shockingly high alcohol content; three of them will get any girl into the fuck zone.  Go for the makeout on the second cigarette break.  Walk her to her car and ask her to drive me home.  Ask her to come inside.  Get her inside, more making out, more booze, get her into bed, eat her pussy till she gets horny enough to let me put it in unprotected.  She’ll ask if I have condoms; of course I don’t. Continue reading →

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OKCupid: No Men No Men No Men

17 May

I keep looking at this one polyamorous chick’s profile.  There are a lot of them on here.  Most of them are noise, as far as a guy is concerned, because most of them are “F/bi/available” but have the NO MEN NO MEN NO MEN disclaimer that every bi girl has, or the friendlier “I do like guys, but sorry fellas, I have a harder time meeting women in real life so I’m on here looking for girls only.” Looking for girls to bring back to their strong jawed bartender boyfriend who sings about communism in a band.

And almost all “bi” women are like this, poly or otherwise. NO MEN NO MEN NO MEN. The bitch of it is that because it’s a woman looking for women, and thus having to do some actual work, these profiles are the best ones. You get to see a side of them that’s actually trying to present their lives as something you’d actually want to be a part of.  Of course these parts are walled in by giant blocks of NO MEN NO MEN NO MEN type ward-you-off stuff in all caps.

Continue reading →

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Good Looking People

15 May

Just talked to my neighbor.  He’s a good looking dude.  This makes me hate him.  The way the poor hate the rich, you know.

Because fuck all other shit– fuck being tall, fuck being in shape, fuck being funny, fuck being smart.  Nothing matters as much as being good looking. Or at least, nothing else can give you that visceral reaction. That gut, hormonal, hindbrain reaction.  Everything the rest of us are doing, with our fastidiously working out and tanning and our jobs and money and funny stories and whateverthefuck– everything else is just man trying to build something that can only be built by God.  Like trying to reverse engineer a unicorn.  They did it, you know; they grafted one goat horn onto the forehead of an unfortunate white circus horse, but the result is this hideous unholy thing.  Even making the effort is gross.

And you can date attractive people, even if you are not one of the one percent of those accidentally blessed with perfect symmetry, a small nose, and an appropriately-sized chin, but you are never going to make them feel the same way, that same instant, unanticipated rush that you get from catching a glimpse of an extremely good-looking person.  That first instant of giving someone jelly-legs is worth infinitely more than all our lifetimes of work.

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No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

2 May

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The Lady or the Tiger

1 May

I just got a missed call from a girl I slept with a while back. I met her off OKC. No condom but I didn’t nut in her. I know she was using no birth control. I called her for a second date but she blew me off and disappeared.

So.

Is she calling me to tell me she gave me AIDS and is pregnant and keeping it? Or because she just broke up with some dude and is going to give me the fucking of a lifetime?

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Diary: Angry at OkCupid Profiles

28 Apr

God dammit— why are all you girls so fucking boring. This is how old I am, this is where I’m from, this is what I do– I love my job!  I love my family and friends!  Go fuck your family and friends.  I hope your family and friends are all on a bus and it explodes in a fiery wreck.  I hope your job fires you and you are forced to suck dick under an underpass. You will wish your family and friends were there to help you out, but they will have died in a fiery wreck.

Just— you fucking chickenshits have to start showing a little actual personality.  Who fucking cares what people think of you— you’re on the goddamn internet. Nobody cares.

Or— let’s just… let’s just assume you love your family and friends.  From now on, let’s only make it a point to mention them if you do not love your family and friends.  Everybody loves their family and friends, even me.  Let’s just say something about your family if they beat and molested you; that’s the only thing that could possibly make them interesting. Even I love my family, although I would gladly trade them in for a family with a shitload of money, and my friends I end up fully replacing about every year and a half.

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Protected: Old News: Match.com Screening Sex Offenders

20 Apr

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Old News: The Magic: the Gathering® Guy and That One Chick

18 Apr

Originally posted 8/30/11:

So, no one who is possibly reading this post has not heard about this:

The girl who went out with a guy off OKC, found out he was a world champion Magic: the Gathering® player, was ostensibly appalled and wrote a Gizmodo article about how she was stunned and it’s a huge dealbreaker and etc.

Couple things.  First, as Forbes was quick to point out, of course this is an obvious troll.  This woman, desperate to make a living in the non-lucrative world of blog writing, has just said “fuck it,” you know, I need something that gets a million hits. So I’m gonna write about how I’m a chick who was appalled to date a nerd, thus getting the two commentingist, complainingest groups on the planet to catch fire over my article.  Chicks and nerds.

Continue reading →

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Throwing in the Jizz Towel

16 Apr

So– I no longer give a shit about getting laid.  Or I do, on a visceral level, like if I see a hot young chick with big tits jogging down the street I get horny.  Whenever the nineteen year old mailroom girl comes by to deliver the mail, I get all pheromonal.  We have a thing together, a flirtatious thing.  I need to figure out how to make something happen with that.

Except I don’t, because that’s the thing.  Aside from the most basic animal lust, I do not give a shit about getting laid.  I will not go through the slightest effort to get laid.  I will not say or do anything at any time that is any different than if I were not trying to get laid.  Which I’m not.  Trying to get laid.

Like– twice in the past few weeks I’ve had good first dates with hot, reasonably interesting girls that I’ve gotten along well with.  Perfectly solid girls.  4 stars on OKCupid for sure.  Each time we ended up back at the apartment and it got physical; in one case the chick wouldn’t take out her puss cuz she had a yeast infection, in the other I ended up performing oral sex on her.  So while obviously I tried to have sex on the first date and it didn’t happen, sex on the second date, which in both cases we had quasi-planned that night– sex on the second date was fucking GUARANTEED.  And both times, I blew it off.  I did the thing that girls do to me– I texted them that day that I couldn’t make it without proposing a specific other time that we could go out.  Because it was too hot, I was too hung over, the drive was going to be a pain in the ass… I did not make the simple effort just to go and harvest the fucking that I had painstakingly sewn on those first dates.  I could not be bothered to reach my hand up and pluck the ripe fruit from the tree.  Too much work.  These girls would have had to volunteer to come over to my place some night when I was already drunk basically.

Continue reading →

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OKCupid

13 Apr

I Gave You 4 Stars.

You gave me 4 stars.

Let’s get hammered on cheap red wine and bone down all nice and juicy to some Vangelis.

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