Tag Archives: okcupid

Look upon Two Hours of a Woman’s Inbox, and Despair

23 Jul

womans inbox

I’ve covered this before, but in case you need further discouragement.  

Diary: The Big Date

23 Jun
nervous first date

image stolen from davidwygant.com

This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading

Protected: OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life

6 Apr

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44 OKCupid Openers

26 Mar

My new collection The Pussy is out. Pay for The Pussy, own The Pussy, put The Pussy on a pedestal, etc.

These are all ones I’ve actually used:

1) You know, I bet Jennifer Connelly’s own mother looks at her and thinks “ass to ass.”

2) You are attractive, and I want to go out with you.

Basically.

3) Let’s get coffee in a well-lit public place and then rut urgently, like jackals.

4) Haruki Murakami has no idea how much ass he’s leaving on the table not having a profile here.

5) I want to take that picture of you (doing stupid thing) and paint it on the ceiling of a church.

6) I want that picture of you (doing stupid thing) tattooed on the back of my eyelids.

7) I want to take that picture of you (doing stupid thing) and engrave it on a plate of purest gold; launch it into deep space so it’s the first evidence aliens find of our civilization.

8) When you (did that stupid thing in your picture), that was your Ulysses. You were put on Earth for that moment.

9) You and me are gonna have houses, cars, servants (username). We’re gonna have so many yachts we’ll begin calling them merely “boats” to differentiate ourselves from the nouveaux riches who gauchely call them “yachts.” How about it.

10) Just saying I would honor and respect the living fuck out of you.

11) One day I’m gonna lasso a bull Tyrannosaur and ride him into the heart of the sun to the strains of some motherfucking Motorhead, and if you want to hold me back, I fucking dare you to try. Also, you look good in that sweater.

12) You seem like the type of girl whose last words are gonna be “hold my beer, watch this.”

13) No pressure but if you don’t message me back a nest of cute baby birds will be stomped beneath Hitler’s boot. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: How’s OKCupid Working Out?

25 Mar

worldwarzpostersmall

Background here.

(REDACTED) asks:

Hey Cornelius,

How has the new “You should message me if…” section been working out?

Not well, but who gives a shit. I had one date. A girl I messaged when she had no picture. When it finally went up she was cute, but we had established rapport. If OKCupid’s  World War Z unlaid hordes had known she was hot before I talked to her, who knows. The date was OK but we will not go out again. She is allergic to cats, and also, she does not like me.

Sent out a couple other messages, got nothing. They were my copypasta:

“I want to go out with you.

Basically.”

The girls were cute and seemed interesting. Their bones had been picked clean by World War Z no doubt. Continue reading

You Should Message Me If Part 2

2 Mar

okc robot

I’m bored with OKCupid.  Thinking about nuking my profile by putting this as the new “You Should Message Me If” section:

Look, just fuck me, for Christ’s sake.  Why do I have to write this god damn essay like I’m applying for college.  Why don’t we just admit that’s what this web site is for.  You’re not gonna meet your husband on here.  You’re gonna meet your husband at work where you’re forced to be around him without an agenda.  You two will slowly grow on one another.  That’s how relationships happen.  Me, you’re gonna let me buy you a couple cheap wines and wake up groggy in the morning with my boner grinding your butt crack.  We will make a half hearted plan to meet up at some art show; whichever one of us is better looking will flake, and we will never speak again.  Why do this fucking kabuki dance.  When you meet your true love in ordinary life I will congratulate you.
Continue reading

Unemployment Diary: What Do You Do

3 Feb

???

Pussy is heroin for the ego.  And I need a fucking hit.  It’s been a month.  Little more.  New Year’s Day was the last time.  I know I said New Year’s Eve is an ass desert and don’t go out and fuck New Year’s and etc.  But I was wrong; I took home an attractive woman I met at a  great party, and fucked her in the morning when I was sober enough for my dick to work.  Don’t ever listen to me.  But that was a month ago.

Gotta get back on OKCupid now but what do you say, you know.  All girls want to know what you do.  I’m unemployed.  I had put that I had a shitty job, but, a job is a job.  I had listed that my income was between forty and fifty thousand dollars a year.  Now it’s zero.  When girls asked what do you do, I would lie, I would tell them some outlandish shit.  But it was a lie with a powerful truth behind it, which was: I work on movies and TV shows you know about and love and I get to meet famous people and, you know, I have a place to go in the fucking morning Monday through Friday. Continue reading