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I’ll Never Meet My Future Wife

7 Sep

carly text

At the beach. Looking for the place I took Lilly. Where I carried her down the cliffs on our first date. She’d broken her leg eating it on a bicycle. Had a cast on. I helped her to her car after AA, where I’d stared at her two years. Lifted her crutches into the back of her Prius. Would you uh… do you want to uh… go to the beach with me this weekend and she said YEAH right away like she’d been waiting. After taking fastidious care to never look at me. Never sit near me. Only glance at me sideways, like someone told her I’d written about wanting to come back as a tapeworm and live in her asshole. I’m sorry but it’s true. Continue reading


28 Jul

lilly 3

The beginning of love. When she’s gone I masturbate to POV porn of girls that look like her. Cum in me they say. Please sir get me pregnant daddy. Continue reading

What You’re Up Against, Part 2

14 Jul


She had a Tumblr. A tech guy offered her $500 if she’d shit in a mason jar for a week, pour Jack Daniels in it, and mail it to him.

She didn’t know what to say. Asked a friend. The friend said make it $1,000. Charge him for the jar too.

To her credit, she didn’t do it.

But the next girl did.

The Sugar Daddy before Me

12 Jul

was always rich. Always married. Always kids. The wife successful too. Something cool. TV writer, Netflix, HBO. Loved his kids, showed pictures. They’re doing well in school. They’ll go to good colleges. He takes them diving. Trips at ten to places I still haven’t seen. He has what I pray for. The wife was beautiful but the girl’s 22 and she always, always broke it off because he said I’ll leave her please please move in with me.

Oh God I Was a Fucking Fool to Let Her Go

29 Jun

sunset may june

She texted me back. Didn’t want to go to work this morning. Wanted to spend those hours telling her: come back. I’ll quit. We’ll travel the world with the money left after bespoke surgery to graft your golden asshole to my mouth. Cut off my nuts for your coin purse. My cock for your toe ring. Come back to me come back to me. The phone dings and I jump for it like pushing my baby out from in front of a bus and it’s someone else. Continue reading

What Should I Do About This Girl

8 Jun


Let someone like you. Let yourself like someone. Let yourself like waking up next to her with your morning wood in her ass crack and the smell of the back of her neck and the mockingbirds going. The cool June gloom in the morning. Her hair’s messed up and she wraps around your arm like a baby. She doesn’t quite wake up but shifts a little. Takes a big breath. That’s what we’re here for. You don’t have to impress her. She doesn’t have to impress you. You don’t have to be with her forever. We’re all gonna die. Just be with her now. While whatever’s there is still there. Let yourself be happy. When it stops– if it’s tomorrow, if it’s death– you had it.

Her Pulsating Pussy

1 Jun

ling ma balls

Don’t read this if it’s about you.

I want to shoot goo in her and make her pregnant but she doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents. A surgeon and an electrical engineer. They haven’t spoken in ten years. I think about being the person who fixes the relationship. The hero. I need a twelve step program for Chinese women’s cunt mucus. Continue reading

More Women

3 Mar

old tapestry

This post is fictional.



I like your profile, said Jeni. And I (he looked at it) like yours, he wrote.

It said, three times:


Would you like to meet at Sunset Beer, he said. She said see you there

He put on his best clothes. Walked to the bar. Opened a tab.

She never came. Continue reading


3 Feb

Image: Aesthetic Dentistry of Charlottesville

He got in a long distance relationship with a rich girl who lived in Canada. They would Skype and she’d push her middle finger in her asshole while her other hand held her phone. Talking calmly to her mom. Telling her the ways she was cleaning up her act. Please send money. She needed this to get off. For him, her asshole was enough.


2 Feb

Her father was a speaking in tongues cultist. He had a sugar cane and pig farm in Kentucky. The cane keeps the pigs in. Continue reading