Scavenging Is Illegal

10 Apr
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Photo from numeroteca.org

Note: this piece steals many ideas from Adam Carolla.

I saw the first one right after Easter, on a garbage truck. “SCAVENGING IS ILLEGAL.” A picture of some poor fucker bent over a trash can trying to scrounge up a couple bucks worth of bottles and cans for a beer. They’ve finally done it. They have made a sign that would literally make Jesus Christ puke. Even the little crossed out baby sign on the dumpsters isn’t as bad. That one is trying to help people. You don’t have to throw out your baby, just take it to the firehouse. Also, what part of “Yard Waste Only” don’t you understand. But this one might as well be a huge middle finger flipping off a hobo and read “FUCK THE POOR.” Continue reading →

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Coffee Shop Diary: Poems about Fruits

9 Apr

There’s a man in the coffee shop. He is talking to the cute waitress who I think hates me. She appears to hate me so much that I think she must be gay. But I guess not. He is asking if she ever reads books. Oh no, she laughs. Hahaha, I wish I could, I just never have the time. She works in a coffee shop that serves about eight customers a day and is also a bookstore.

He walks back to the shelf and comes back with a book, white cover black letters like those six packs in Maine that just say “beer,” and the cover says “Oranges Tangerines Bananas” or something. He hands it to her. It is his book; he wrote it. Oh, she says, I will have to check this out. He has a black leather jacket and a tattoo of a kite.

You motherfucker with your poems about fruits. If I had one more hustler gene I’d rule the world.

Protected: Weekend Journal: Curse of the Monkey’s Paw

8 Apr

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Protected: OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life

6 Apr

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Unemployment Diary: Land of Opportunity

5 Apr

oppo

I haven’t received a single call back on the dozens of jobs I’ve applied for. But I did get my first scam call from my resume posted with the Unemployment Department. I’m stunned it took so long.

Mr. Tacos, I found your resume online and I have an opportunity that may interest you.

It’s a boiler room job stealing old people’s retirement accounts. But what isn’t. That’s the entire banking system.

Or it’s not even that. It’s a pyramid scheme selling unemployed people the promise of stealing old people’s retirement accounts. It doesn’t pay. I need to be clear that this is a commission based position. It’s not baseline salary plus commission. But that didn’t come up until later. First it was, are you familiar with the Baby Boom Generation? The way to make money in this economic climate is to attach yourself to a growth industry. Well, the Baby Boomers are turning 65 at a rate of 11,000 per day. Are you familiar with 401k plans? Our company helps baby boomers switch over from 401k’s to a financial plan they have more control over. Is this something that interests you. We work with multibillion dollar corporations. Have you heard of Transamerica, IMG, Prudential. Is this something that interests you. I’m thinking of the box on the unemployment form. Did you REFUSE any work? Uh, yeah, it interests me. Great. Well, there is some training, there is a licensing process. It is clear that it is unpaid training. I have to ask if the training is free. It is. But the license costs money. Continue reading →

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Reader Mailbag: Fantasy Island

3 Apr

sw snacks

A GIRL I’VE BEEN CORRESPONDING WITH ON THE INTERNET WHO WANTS TO VISIT ME FROM OUT OF TOWN writes:

can you write a thing of all the things you’ve fantasized about doing to/with/on/in/etc me?

or am i not allowed to see that yet

because that’d be entertaining

I mean: I want to fuck you. That’s pretty much it. You know what fucking is like. The dick goes in the hole. Maybe I’ll put your wrists behind your head but I’m not gonna choke you or any of that shit on the first date. My cat will probably come in the sliding door I’ve left open, walk in the room, and meow. We’ll have a little chuckle. The mood will be ruined. I will continue shuffling my flagging erection into you in a workmanlike manner but I won’t be able to cum. I’ll jokingly apologize and get up and get more booze. Give the cat a can of food. Then you’ll stand behind me as I read shit on reddit. We’ll laugh but you’ll be thinking: what the fuck? This guy could have my wet young pussy and he wants to watch Russian dash cam videos? I’ll be thinking: who cares. I fucked her. Check. Now I can not think about it for a while. Also, unlike these World Star Hip Hop fights, the fucking Russians know how to break it up with a left occasionally. Black guys it’s just right right right right right. Continue reading →

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You and Your Men

2 Apr

dogs on rollers

The new one is a professional swimmer. He has raced with Michael Phelps, he must have to say as soon as every single person asks about Michael Phelps. He can swim slightly faster in a straight line than virtually anyone else in the world, except Michael Phelps. Also, many creatures with no frontal cortex can beat him easily. But he is connected to something shown on television. I bet guys who worked for Bernie Madoff got pussy when he hit the news. Just be something they’ve heard of.

Before that it was a guy who worked for Brad Pitt.* She liked him. He had access to Brad Pitt’s luxury box at Dodger Stadium and she took her kids and they all met Brad Pitt. Before that it was some director. Before that, some DJ. Before that a porn star, whom I envied until I saw what he had to fuck in his porns. I hope they paid him well. Before that it was a comedian. Then an editor who had money somehow and had just moved out from the South where he was cutting cartoons; before that a guy who had his own theatre production company. A guy who had worked at the White House as the Undersecretary of Something. The old guys with white hair had money, always. That was nice. Nice dinners, a present for the boy. Continue reading →

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Meditations on Easter

31 Mar

Church_Sign_Bring_Me_That_Ass

The Romans got him, and he asked God why he’d been forsaken. Which seems to imply that he really didn’t see his death coming. And then rose three days later and… what? You don’t get to see much of the resurrected Jesus. He doesn’t seem to have stuck around terribly long. The whole thing just feels like a “hook,” you know? A retcon. He was either supposed to not die, or the world was supposed to end, but that’s not what happened. So instead, he did in fact see the whole thing coming; we will explain away the Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabacthani as having some meaning that’s the opposite of the obvious. This was the plan all along, see. And then Christ returned, kind of did nothing, just tipped off his cronies that he was back, basically, and disappeared. And we’re left not with a story of the resurrected and supernatural Christ powerfully changing the world but a ghost pretty much hanging on words from when he was naturally alive. What was the point? Continue reading →

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Funemployment

31 Mar

oblivion54

I’ve been playing a video game called Oblivion. It’s the predecessor to Skyrim– you wear armor and cast spells and fight skeletons in caves and shit. The point of these games is they are “sandboxes,” meaning: there’s a story to the game, but you don’t have to follow it. You can wander around the wilderness picking flowers and just chatting with the townsfolk if you want. It’s liberating, or it’s supposed to be– most video games constrain you to solving puzzles to get to the next cutscene. Nothing has changed since 8 bit Nintendo. Not so with this shit– you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want. Continue reading →

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Protected: El Chuco

29 Mar

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