You and Your Men

2 Apr

dogs on rollers

The new one is a professional swimmer. He has raced with Michael Phelps, he must have to say as soon as every single person asks about Michael Phelps. He can swim slightly faster in a straight line than virtually anyone else in the world, except Michael Phelps. Also, many creatures with no frontal cortex can beat him easily. But he is connected to something shown on television. I bet guys who worked for Bernie Madoff got pussy when he hit the news. Just be something they’ve heard of.

Before that it was a guy who worked for Brad Pitt.* She liked him. He had access to Brad Pitt’s luxury box at Dodger Stadium and she took her kids and they all met Brad Pitt. Before that it was some director. Before that, some DJ. Before that a porn star, whom I envied until I saw what he had to fuck in his porns. I hope they paid him well. Before that it was a comedian. Then an editor who had money somehow and had just moved out from the South where he was cutting cartoons; before that a guy who had his own theatre production company. A guy who had worked at the White House as the Undersecretary of Something. The old guys with white hair had money, always. That was nice. Nice dinners, a present for the boy. Continue reading →

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Meditations on Easter

31 Mar

Church_Sign_Bring_Me_That_Ass

The Romans got him, and he asked God why he’d been forsaken. Which seems to imply that he really didn’t see his death coming. And then rose three days later and… what? You don’t get to see much of the resurrected Jesus. He doesn’t seem to have stuck around terribly long. The whole thing just feels like a “hook,” you know? A retcon. He was either supposed to not die, or the world was supposed to end, but that’s not what happened. So instead, he did in fact see the whole thing coming; we will explain away the Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabacthani as having some meaning that’s the opposite of the obvious. This was the plan all along, see. And then Christ returned, kind of did nothing, just tipped off his cronies that he was back, basically, and disappeared. And we’re left not with a story of the resurrected and supernatural Christ powerfully changing the world but a ghost pretty much hanging on words from when he was naturally alive. What was the point? Continue reading →

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Funemployment

31 Mar

oblivion54

I’ve been playing a video game called Oblivion. It’s the predecessor to Skyrim– you wear armor and cast spells and fight skeletons in caves and shit. The point of these games is they are “sandboxes,” meaning: there’s a story to the game, but you don’t have to follow it. You can wander around the wilderness picking flowers and just chatting with the townsfolk if you want. It’s liberating, or it’s supposed to be– most video games constrain you to solving puzzles to get to the next cutscene. Nothing has changed since 8 bit Nintendo. Not so with this shit– you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want. Continue reading →

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Protected: El Chuco

29 Mar

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Male Body Image

28 Mar

mens-health-magazine

I’m worried that I’m fat now. Because Nikol is dating a guy who is a professional bicycle racer. He must maintain an absolutely lean physique at all times, burns 8000 calories a day or something. This guy has abs, real abs, not a mushy six pack with a little pooch at the bottom like mine. When you talk about an ideal male body you’re talking about a guy whose stomach doesn’t fold when he’s sitting down. You’re talking about 5 per cent body fat. Michael Phelps. You’re talking about people who have that for a living. Merely flirting with single digits body fat isn’t enough. Looking good lit from the side with high contrast lamps while flexing down isn’t enough. You gotta look like the cover of Men’s Health even when there’s Vaseline on the lens and you’re in the fetal position with all muscles relaxed. So that is my new fitness goal. I’d been lifting a lot; put on a few pounds of muscle. Now it’s time to drain the remaining fat so you can see striations. Tendons. Fat blue veins snaking over my forearms.

Physically this can be done, but it’s the psychology that gets you. It burns out some fuse that tells you how much to eat. You are constantly hungry as shit and constantly just thinking don’t eat don’t eat don’t eat, 16 waking hours per day. The smells coming from restaurants become something primal, like the musk of a cow’s cunt to a rutting bull. Don’t eat don’t eat don’t eat and it’s one of those things– you fuck up once and suddenly you’ve thrown down 1600 calories worth of ice cream. If you use cardio machines you begin to appreciate the horror that is calorie math. You can be on a Stairmaster at a full sprint for an hour, it won’t burn off food that takes you two minutes to put down. Continue reading →

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Protected: Make Up To Zero Dollars A Week On Your Computer, Without Leaving Home

27 Mar

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44 OKCupid Openers

26 Mar

My new collection The Pussy is out. Pay for The Pussy, own The Pussy, put The Pussy on a pedestal, etc.

These are all ones I’ve actually used:

1) You know, I bet Jennifer Connelly’s own mother looks at her and thinks “ass to ass.”

2) You are attractive, and I want to go out with you.

Basically.

3) Let’s get coffee in a well-lit public place and then rut urgently, like jackals.

4) Haruki Murakami has no idea how much ass he’s leaving on the table not having a profile here.

5) I want to take that picture of you (doing stupid thing) and paint it on the ceiling of a church.

6) I want that picture of you (doing stupid thing) tattooed on the back of my eyelids.

7) I want to take that picture of you (doing stupid thing) and engrave it on a plate of purest gold; launch it into deep space so it’s the first evidence aliens find of our civilization.

8) When you (did that stupid thing in your picture), that was your Ulysses. You were put on Earth for that moment.

9) You and me are gonna have houses, cars, servants (username). We’re gonna have so many yachts we’ll begin calling them merely “boats” to differentiate ourselves from the nouveaux riches who gauchely call them “yachts.” How about it.

10) Just saying I would honor and respect the living fuck out of you.

11) One day I’m gonna lasso a bull Tyrannosaur and ride him into the heart of the sun to the strains of some motherfucking Motorhead, and if you want to hold me back, I fucking dare you to try. Also, you look good in that sweater.

12) You seem like the type of girl whose last words are gonna be “hold my beer, watch this.”

13) No pressure but if you don’t message me back a nest of cute baby birds will be stomped beneath Hitler’s boot. Continue reading →

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Reader Mailbag: How’s OKCupid Working Out?

25 Mar

worldwarzpostersmall

Background here.

(REDACTED) asks:

Hey Cornelius,

How has the new “You should message me if…” section been working out?

Not well, but who gives a shit. I had one date. A girl I messaged when she had no picture. When it finally went up she was cute, but we had established rapport. If OKCupid’s  World War Z unlaid hordes had known she was hot before I talked to her, who knows. The date was OK but we will not go out again. She is allergic to cats, and also, she does not like me.

Sent out a couple other messages, got nothing. They were my copypasta:

“I want to go out with you.

Basically.”

The girls were cute and seemed interesting. Their bones had been picked clean by World War Z no doubt. Continue reading →

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Old News: Adria Richards

22 Mar

This is a post about this person.

Adria Richards is not a person. She is a hologram reverse engineered by woman-hating reactionaries to perfectly fulfill every antifeminist nightmare. There is just no way that this human being can really exist.

Or if she does, I salute her canniness. She is the hedgehog who knows one thing: how to latch on to PC self-flagellants with computer money and promote herself without actually doing any work or spreading any knowledge. She is a perfect creature of our time.

She doesn’t deserve death threats, but, as a Developer Evangelist she ought to know that a twitter death threat is as credible as a craigslist ad for free pussy. The guy didn’t deserve to get fired but, who knows. Maybe they just needed an excuse. He mentioned liking his job, which means he sucked at it. If you’re leaving enough on the table to be happy at the end of the day you aren’t a productive worker. Like a wise man once said, what would it take for them to kick Jordan out of the league versus a guy riding the bench?

Continue reading →

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Get Off My Lawn

22 Mar

Had a run in with some kids in the park. High school kids. One of them looked like he wanted to beat my ass. Talked like it too. They were getting hammered on the hill, it’s Easter break, and a couple of them were holding up their buddy who couldn’t walk. Just look at the path homie. Just look at the floor. The big guy, the oldest guy, glared at me and was like hey, what’s up homie.  Something something nosy people get it too. What the fuck was he talking about. I wanted to understand and say the right thing so I could look “cool” to these hardass EXP gangsta teens. But, all I could say was, what?

Something something, you gonna piss people off, staring like that. Oh Jesus. I don’t give a fuck how drunk he is, I’m sure he could kick my ass, and there are fifteen of him all wearing the same color.

Oh, dude, I was just ah, your friend seems a little fucked up.

Whatchoo readin’?

I was reading Charles Bukowski. A collection called Septuagenarian Stew. In the future, everyone give your books simple fucking names. Give your sons simple fucking names, so I can say “Darkness by John Jones.” Septuagenarian Stew by motherfucking Charles Bukowski. Thank God I wasn’t listening to a Fiona Apple record. Continue reading →

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