Yes, it sucks. Yes it sucks. It sucks if you’re a guy– you are gonna send out tons of messages and get nothing back; no one ever looks at you; you are gonna be sending messages to the same three cute girls with a weight classification of “fit” or “thin” as everybody else and they have their pick and can flake on your in a heartbeat and there’s nothing you can do about it. It makes people more picky, so, if you are under five foot ten, beause she likes to wear four inch heels regularly and needs someone who is substantially taller than her while she is wearing these indispensable four inch heels, you are fucked. If you are bald and you hide it, you are fucked after the first date when your stupid fucking miniature fedora finally comes off. If you are bald and you don’t hide it, you are fucked before the first date. If you don’t have money, youre fucked; if you do have money, you can’t mention it without coming off like a douche, and being fucked. You are fucked. And there is no hope.
What to Expect When You’re Getting in Shape
21 MarLabor, agony, tedium, deprivation. The shattering damage to your joints and tendons. The shattering damage to your social and leisure life. The horrible diminishing returns as you approach the goal– an unholy small percentage of body fat– getting down to like thirteen per cent is manageable but that’s a merely OK body. To have any real muscle definition whatsoever you need to be below ten per cent body fat, which requires a hideous self-flagellatory cardio routine that makes you unbelievably hungry combined with a stark bare food regimen so that you’re constantly obsessed with food; the smell of food is like a whiff of a teenage girl’s ovulating vagina and a commercial for cookies is like porn.
And then once you get there you need to maintain it with hours upon hours of boredom and pain that you NEVER slack off on, just in case someone should happen to see you shirtless and that one extra millimeter of body fat you’ve accrued is the fulcrum of their decision whether or not to sleep with you. Because you believe that the world is this way– that you will have lifted weights religiously for years and years and years and then suddenly the ONE time you slack off for a few weeks is the time it will matter. Suddenly a beautiful intelligent interesting woman will be nearby and you will be required to remove your shirt, perhaps for a tourniquet or something.
But You Know,
20 Marevery time you see a bunch of guys wearing some stupid thing, reflect on the fact that it is completely, 100% women’s fault. Because you once fucked some guy wearing flannel, one of the early adopters, and he then went and wore his lucky shirt out every weekend, and people said, hey, look, that guy who gets laid is wearing flannel, I better pick up some flannel myself. This is why we see so many Psycho-billy guys and all the other weird subgenre uniforms. Some girl who couldn’t get laid with the singer in a band fucked a guy with the same hair instead and now we all have to live with this. Dice tattoos, etc. Reverend Horton Heat is still getting dudes laid in Glendale and I haven’t heard from him since he was on Beavis & Butthead.
Diary: Steve Jobs Sucks Cocks in Hell
19 MarUgh, thinking about work. Thinking about work on a Sunday. Not only that, but I better get off this journal and go do some actual fucking work. On a Sunday. Because I am a white collar professional in the United States of America in 2012. Typically, in the past, a job with these sorts of demands would have a least paid you handsomely. But now, everything is in decline. Every industry. So we all gotta work harder, we gotta work longer, we gotta do more with less. We gotta hustle. So many people want your job that you are constantly auditioning for your job. And yes, I know it’s better than getting your hands chopped off in some Sierra Leonian diamond mine at age ten. My point is, only marginally. Continue reading
More on Porn
18 MarIt’s funny that the kind of porn I want to watch– young, attractive people who appear to actually like each other having sex in non-gymnastic positions until he ejaculates in her– it’s funny that this is a fetish. Specifically, if you don’t want to see a guy blow a fire-hydrant like load on a chicks face while she pretends to lick it up from around her mouth, you must watch “creampie” porn, which started out as just, you know, regular fucking except the guy blows his load inside her, and has devolved now into a whole subgenre where the girl lets the jizz dribble out of her gaping ass into a martini glass which is on top of a plexiglass coffee table so you can shoot from below, and then drinks out of the glass. Or it’s one of those fake “amateur” porns that reintroduces theatrical acting into the porn, a scenario where the girl repeatedly says “don’t cum inside me don’t cum inside me” and then he cums inside her, albeit holding his dick so only the very tip is in her to insure the jizz remains fully visible as the camera cuts to it oozing out before panning up to the girl’s face where she is cartoonishly slanting her eyebrows into an “angry” expression while berating him. You can’t just have a couple fucking and then he starts going a little faster, then suddenly grabs her real hard and pushes into her while holding her in a deathgrip like a koala bear on a eucalyptus and makes a dopey face likes he’s taking a shit and then relaxes. Which is all I want to do in life, you know, just cum in a chick and then relax. But you can’t see that in porn. Continue reading
The Legend of Zelda
17 MarGoing out and trying to meet a girl at a bar is like, when in Legend of Zelda, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why Legend of Zelda sucked.
Diary: Sitting in the Park
16 MarOK. Sitting in the park. Opted to write over playing guitar. This is therefore the one day when a hot available chick would have been walking in the park, heard my magnificent guitar playing, stopped and talked to me, and then had sex with me. Stayed with me for all my long days and borne me many children. Now instead I will die alone.
Hey Everybody:
15 MarShut the fuck up about grammar. Especially shut the fuck up about “they’re,” “their” and “there” and “you’re” and “your.” And especially especially shut the fuck up about textspeak. We lost that battle. As a society, we lost the fight; in the future, we are all going to be using “r” for “are” and “u” for “you” and generally constructing sentences as though we were building a custom license plate.
Shut the fuck up in a general sense with grammar prescriptivism, because: the people who you think need your message most are never, ever going to listen to you. You are pushing Zionism to a guy wearing an explosive vest. You are pitching a Palestinian homeland to a guy who can’t turn the lights on on Saturdays and won’t touch a strange woman just in case she’s menstruating. You are never going to make even one iota of headway and there is nothing more irritating on Earth than a self-appointed copy editor.
Reader Mailbag: BF Out of My League
15 Mar(REDACTED) asks:
I guess I want to know why an incredible good looking man would date an average looking woman…I met a hot as hell man who should be dating a supermodel and for some reason he has an interest in me, he’s not pushing sex at all, so I dont think its him thinking I’m desperate and he could easily get into my pants…he just wants to hang out and gives me amazing kisses. I dont get it. I’m an hour away, I dont drive, I dont have a job and I’m very average looking and a little chubby. I’m just not sure how to proceed with him.
Uh, who cares? Pussy is pussy. Or in your case, dick is dick. Or, non-dick is non-dick, since you say he isn’t using you for sex.
Wait, why is that a good thing, that he isn’t fucking you. That he isn’t “pushing” to fuck you. Fucking is good.
I mean, I don’t know why he wants to date you. But who cares. I used to think that all the time—why on earth would this girl want to be with me, etc. Every time. Every time they would stop dating me. No good can ever come of thinking this. Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 