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Internet Pussy: The Cave of Forgotten Dreams

11 Apr

I’m good at internet dating.

This means I’m good at taking a girl out, getting her a little drunk, and then fucking her.  I’m good at steering the second date to dinner at my house so I don’t have to drive to get laid.  I hear a lot of “I’m not usually like this” so I figure, you know, I must be onto something.*

Anyway.  Point being, I am good at internet dating, and that is horrible, because it’s one of those things that if you’ve had enough practice to be good at it you’ve failed in some larger sense.  Like— being good at pulling your own teeth.  Being good at showing people you’re not a pussy when you show up to a new prison.  It’s awesome that you’re a badass but the idea is that you figure your shit out and don’t have to go back. I wanted a relationship out of this, not 5,000 pieces of pussy.  I wanted some god damn companionship.  Someone I can call when the clouds are pretty or something and say, you know, go look at the pretty clouds.

Instead, I have merely gotten a ton of meaningless ass.  And then I’ve taken the confidence from getting that ass and taken it into the real world to get other, even more meaningless ass.  And it’s made me complacent.  Maybe there is viable girlfriend material out there but I can’t be bothered to look for it because I’m driving out to Sherman Oaks to bone some nineteen year old.** Continue reading →

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Reader Mailbag: How to Make a Good OKCupid Profile

8 Apr

REDACTED asks:

I gotta be honest man. You have the best profile I’ve ever read. Both in terms of being well-written, paced and humorous, and also as probably able to wrangle in more women than any other jerkoff profile I’ve seen. Respect.

That being said, I’m curious if you could give me your thoughts on my profile. I know it’s kind of a lame thing to ask, but fuck it, you get it. Do you have any advice for me on how to better attract chicks on here?

OK, well first of all, thank you for saying such nice things.  I like my profile, too.  I get a lot of these emails because of reddit users briefly discussing me months ago.  And most of my visitors are dudes from out of state.  So, thanks guys.  I wish you were nubile young women from Southern California, but, fuck it.  At least someone gives a shit.

But I should tell you– I get an incoming email from an actual girl in my age range about once every two weeks.  If this is in fact the best profile on the entirety of OKCupid, and I am a six foot one athletically built white guy who is gainfully employed in a major metropolis, and this is the unsolicited message yield one can expect from an “original” and “humorous” profile, men are genuinely fucked.  Plus my response rate on outgoing emails is about fifty per cent, my phone number rate when I ask this fifty percent for it is about fifty percent, the call back rate when I leave a message is about fifty per cent, and the amount of dates that actually result in sexual intercourse or wanting to see the other person again is fifty per cent, and so on.  I am in a Zeno’s paradox of pussy where you are walking halfway of halfway of halfway along a wall forever and by the time all the hoops are jumped through the possibility of having an actual relationship is functionally zero. So even if this profile is so fucking great, it’s like– the most lethal Nerf weapon ever invented.  There’s just not much you can do. Continue reading →

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Women of OKCupid:

29 Mar

Why are you all so god damn fucking boring?

There are about 3 profiles of single women in the greater Los Angeles area that reveal ANYTHING about the person whatsoever.  The rest, you are browsing this shit and you feel like God only made 5 people.

There’s the I was born in Wisconsin, went to school in Pennsylvania, came out to LA three years ago and haven’t looked back! The geography person. Who the fuck– we all live in America, we all watch the same TV shows, why the fuck do you think it matters one iota what state you came from. Unless it’s some weird shit like Alaska or Wyoming, this is genuinely the most meaningless information in the world. Even if you came from one of those places.  I’m not looking to get a state drunk and rawdog them; I want to do that to a person.

There’s the “contradiction” person.  This might be the blandest one of all.  I initially appear really shy and introverted, but once you get to know me I’m the life of the party! (This one often enjoys exclamation points).  I’m a traditional girl at heart, but I think outside the box! I’m a girly girl, but I love sports! I can be really nice and really mean!  I love reading books but I also enjoy trashy reality TV– shhh, don’t tell anyone!  Jesus– these fake examples I’m coming up with are actually more illuminating than the real thing.  This one is a deliberate construct that is designed to tell you nothing. Continue reading →

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OKCupid: Hey Fuckstick, How About YOU Make ME Laugh

29 Mar

Because we all know you like to be made to laugh; you’ve told us, over and over and over again.  Collectively you have said “live laugh love” or “make me laugh” a thousand million billion times.  Or you’ve put up the whorish-sounding “make me laugh and you can make me do anything.” Make me laugh and you can sneak it in my ass, is that what this means?  Make me laugh and you can jerk off in my mouth while watching porn?  Make me laugh and I will fuck guys off craigslist and bring you back the money?  I mean, I shouldn’t complain about this– I am not a professional comedian, but I consider myself funny.  And girls do in fact “do anything,” although the “anything” that I’m asking for is just to fuck me in the most vanilla manner imaginable.  I don’t require that they cook me a meal or take me on a date or engage me intellectually or anything, and they certainly haven’t offered.  Make me laugh and you can make me do anything.  That pretty much spells it out– you bring the personality, I’ll bring the pussy.

Continue reading →

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Internet Dating in General

22 Mar

Yes, it sucks. Yes it sucks.  It sucks if you’re a guy– you are gonna send out tons of messages and get nothing back; no one ever looks at you; you are gonna be sending messages to the same three cute girls with a weight classification of “fit” or “thin” as everybody else and they have their pick and can flake on your in a heartbeat and there’s nothing you can do about it.  It makes people more picky, so, if you are under five foot ten, beause she likes to wear four inch heels regularly and needs someone who is substantially taller than her while she is wearing these indispensable four inch heels, you are fucked.  If you are bald and you hide it, you are fucked after the first date when your stupid fucking miniature fedora finally comes off.  If you are bald and you don’t hide it, you are fucked before the first date.  If you don’t have money, youre fucked; if you do have money, you can’t mention it without coming off like a douche, and being fucked.  You are fucked. And there is no hope.

Continue reading →

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Cultural Illiteracy Is No Laughing Matter

21 Mar

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More on Porn

18 Mar

It’s funny that the kind of porn I want to watch– young, attractive people who appear to actually like each other having sex in non-gymnastic positions until he ejaculates in her– it’s funny that this is a fetish.  Specifically, if you don’t want to see a guy blow a fire-hydrant like load on a chicks face while she pretends to lick it up from around her mouth, you must watch “creampie” porn, which started out as just, you know, regular fucking except the guy blows his load inside her, and has devolved now into a whole subgenre where the girl lets the jizz dribble out of her gaping ass into a martini glass which is on top of a plexiglass coffee table so you can shoot from below, and then drinks out of the glass.  Or it’s one of those fake “amateur” porns that reintroduces theatrical acting into the porn, a scenario where the girl repeatedly says “don’t cum inside me don’t cum inside me” and then he cums inside her, albeit holding his dick so only the very tip is in her to insure the jizz remains fully visible as the camera cuts to it oozing out before panning up to the girl’s face where she is cartoonishly slanting her eyebrows into an “angry” expression while berating him.  You can’t just have a couple fucking and then he starts going a little faster, then suddenly grabs her real hard and pushes into her while holding her in a deathgrip like a koala bear on a eucalyptus and makes a dopey face likes he’s taking a shit and then relaxes.  Which is all I want to do in life, you know, just cum in a chick and then relax.  But you can’t see that in porn.  Continue reading →

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The Legend of Zelda

17 Mar

Going out and trying to meet a girl at a bar is like, when in Legend of Zelda, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why Legend of Zelda sucked.

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Reader Mailbag: BF Out of My League

15 Mar

(REDACTED) asks:

I guess I want to know why an incredible good looking man would date an average looking woman…I met a hot as hell man who should be dating a supermodel and for some reason he has an interest in me, he’s not pushing sex at all, so I dont think its him thinking I’m desperate and he could easily get into my pants…he just wants to hang out and gives me amazing kisses. I dont get it. I’m an hour away, I dont drive, I dont have a job and I’m very average looking and a little chubby. I’m just not sure how to proceed with him.

Uh, who cares?  Pussy is pussy.  Or in your case, dick is dick.  Or, non-dick is non-dick, since you say he isn’t using you for sex.

Wait, why is that a good thing, that he isn’t fucking you.  That he isn’t “pushing” to fuck you.  Fucking is good.

I mean, I don’t know why he wants to date you.  But who cares.  I used to think that all the time—why on earth would this girl want to be with me, etc.  Every time.  Every time they would stop dating me. No good can ever come of thinking this. Continue reading →

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You Should Message Me If

10 Mar

You have to live in Echo Park.  Or at least not fucking Venice, I mean come on.  You can’t be an actress.  You can’t not smoke.  At least, you can’t be one of those girls who won’t even take a drag after three glasses of wine.  Because if you’re one of them, I know you’ll never fuck me.  You have to be better looking than me.  You have to be downright good looking, even though I am not that good looking.  I am in crazy shape though.  I don’t give a shit if you’re out of shape.  I’m not going to ask you to lift anything.

I don’t give a shit about your money, job or car.  But you may give a shit about my money, job and car.  I have no money, a shitty job, and my car is worth $800.  It’s primer colored, and the seat belt, windows, sunroof and A/C are all broken.  Or rather, the A/C works but only when it’s not hot.  And someone jacked my stereo.   And the car is older than you.  You have to be younger than my car.

I don’t care what you think of my cat but you can’t be allergic to cats.  I care about your relationship with your dog, meaning—shut the fuck up about your dog.  I like dogs but I don’t like you if you have too many pictures of your dog.  Believe me, the fucking thing is sick of being your boyfriend.  Stop putting up pictures of him. I will not be dating your dog. Unless I’m sure you’re good and passed out.

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