Diary 2/24/12: Nikol’s Living Will
14 MayNothing funny about this motherfucking shit: I am going to be the executor of Nikol’s living will. Because she is going to die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of her life.
She has no hair now and no eyebrows, and pukes so much that her stomach and/or esophagus is ulcerated and she vomits fountains of blood. I saw some on the toilet seat. We both remarked that it was good that it wasn’t black blood. Because… why is it again? Because black blood means that it’s internal bleeding. That the blood has somehow seeped between organs and sat there and blackened. If you are puking black blood, you are really in trouble. Where the fuck did we learn that, HOUSE MD?
Whatever– my view is regardless of the color blood you are shitting or puking, you are well and truly fucked and thinking the red blood is so great is merely hair-splitting.
She is going to die and when that is real close to happening she wants me to pull the plug if necessary. She has no relatives she trusts to pull this off without chickening out, and since she’s a product of the foster care system there is no one who takes legal precedent. So when her brain has liquified, I’m to give the order: cease all resuscitation efforts or whatever the fuck. Then I’m gonna sit there and hold her hand until the machine goes BEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP.
Just a Reminder: Chuck Berry Used to Secretly Film Chicks on the Toilet
13 MayOr tape them, rather. This was in the 80’s, before the internet, obviously. But after video cameras had become somewhat widespread; it wasn’t quite a situation where Bob Crane and Willem Dafoe had to pay 75 grand for some cutting edge rig they only had access to because of their television backgrounds. Chuck would get one of those unwieldy Beta cams, stick it behind a hole in his bathroom wall, and then tape chicks peeing and taking shits at his home and/or catfish restaurant. Not clear if he had it set to some kind of trigger so it would only film when someone was in the can or if he just had them constantly running like those night cameras they put by cisterns where snow leopards drink. And if it’s the latter whether he had a guy just constantly fast forwarding through hours and hours of tape to cut together a “best of” reel of chicks pissing to present to chuck. Which, I want that job.
The Difference
5 MayBetween men’s and women’s sex fantasies is this:
If the cheerful 19 year old girl who delivers mail to my office came up to me one afternoon when no one else was around, and said “hey– you want to duck in the supply closet and fuck?” It would be the best day of my life.
If you were sweeping out your stern patrician father’s horse barn in 1895, and a mysterious stranger came in out of a rainstorm, possibly masked, and despite your chaste protestations he brutally ravaged you as the steely eyes of the stallions looked on, it would be the worst day of your life.
The Lady or the Tiger
1 MayI just got a missed call from a girl I slept with a while back. I met her off OKC. No condom but I didn’t nut in her. I know she was using no birth control. I called her for a second date but she blew me off and disappeared.
So.
Is she calling me to tell me she gave me AIDS and is pregnant and keeping it? Or because she just broke up with some dude and is going to give me the fucking of a lifetime?
Diary New Year’s Day 2011: I Am a Massive Fucking Chickenshit
26 AprI should have kissed Anne at midnight. What threw me was her talking about needing to find a guy to make out with. This means: not you. But still. I could have done it. I ended up sleeping at her place. I don’t remember going to bed, but I woke up next to her, surprised. And I thought she might think I was her ex-boyfriend, and wake up and realize it was me, and be shocked and appalled. But no.
She was an excellent sleeping partner. She was wearing tights and would like, wrap her top leg around mine as we were spooning. And put my hand in a comfortable place near her boobs. I keep thinking- maybe I should have fucked her, but how? I would have been too drunk to get a boner at night and in the morning my mouth tasted like rotten tequila. Cut yourself some slack, dude. You don’t have to fuck everybody.
New Book
delicioustacos 