Park Diary: Mr. Universe

19 Apr
image stolen from oklahomacitybotanicalgardens.com

image stolen from oklahomacitybotanicalgardens.com

And now I’m shirtless. Trimmed my chest hair this morning. I feel like a naked pink baby. Can’t tell if I look good like this. Sitting Indian style. Folds of fat choked out by my belt. At 9% body fat this still happens. By the time I get rid of my last chub I’ll be so old I’ll just be skin. There’s another shirtless guy and I keep looking over thinking: does he look better than me?

A girl is checking me out. I guess that means I look good. Now I have this flash of fear. A burning house feeling. A girl looked at me; I better do something about it. This is it, Rocky. Your one shot. She looks away, then back. I don’t have the courage to maintain eye contact. I’d like to think it’s because I’m too mature to pick up girls. It’s because I’m chickenshit. So I look up and awkwardly half smile, making clear that I’m a small dicked nebbish whose seed is unworthy of her loins. Continue reading →

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Protected: Ideal Behavior

11 Apr

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Adulthood

5 Apr
image stolen from angelfire.com/mi/dinosaurs/panels.html

image stolen from angelfire.com/mi/dinosaurs/panels.html

Young girls only fuck at night, and I go to bed early. Before sleep I review my household budget. Murmur approvingly if I’ve saved on groceries. Electric usage dropped. Light touch with the AC. No cable bill but the internet I was paying 30 dollars for became 60 somehow, because I stayed with Time Warner Cable. Phone bill stayed 100 but only by fights and fights with Verizon. Bank fees successfully disputed but I could write an orchestral score of Bank of America hold music from memory. Continue reading →

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Protected: Diary: Waiting for My Date

15 Mar

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Protected: Diary: On the Road to My Solitary Death

14 Mar

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What You’re Up Against

25 Feb

I’m sorry but I have to leave early, she tells me. Client in Ventura.

The old man sends a car. When she gets there he prepares a bath with candles. She bathes alone. He busies himself. Sneaks peeks but mostly leaves her be. When she gets out he’ll massage her for a long time. Fleetwood Mac on his fancy stereo. Take her to dinner. Nicest place in town. A glass of wine at home and the car takes her back to L.A. Thousand dollars in her account.

They don’t fuck. Don’t even kiss. He’s just lonely.

She met him on OKCupid, too.

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Birthday 2015

24 Feb

horse

39. Weird age to be a childless man looking for a secretarial job. Alone in a filthy apartment with a cat. Weird age to explain to employers why you’re looking for such a shitty job. Well look, I tell them. I have other shit in my life. My career is not who I am. If you hire me, I will be of service to the best of my ability. My ability is phenomenal. More than yours, I think. I’m smarter than you and better than you. Yet somehow I have no money. On the other hand: we’re all just polyps in a coral. Leaves of grass. Bees in a hive. Whateverthefuck metaphor you want to use. I’m no better than a flagellate in a Petri dish. This makes me happier than anything. I could die this minute. The effect on the universe would be nothing. People would be sad, but they too die. Soon it’ll be like I was never there. That is such a relief. It’s no great waste therefore if I spend the whole day jerking off. By 4pm I’ve switched to horse porn. There are surprisingly few where the horse actually nuts in a girl’s pussy. Horse porn auteurs: too detached from their audience. Do you offer health insurance.

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Protected: Philippines Vacation

23 Feb

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Pussy Incorporated

22 Feb

If you told me you want me as your boyfriend, I’d be happy. If I could tell you I want you as my girlfriend, I’d do it. But that would make you leave. Find other men. My holding back is the only way you want me. I have to have other girls to keep you.

Pussy is a corporation. I’m an employee. A corporation gives as little as it can until it’s forced to give more to keep you. How well you do your job doesn’t matter. It’s barely considered. What matters is how much others want to poach you. Whether you get kept and what you get paid depends only on leverage.

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First Date

12 Feb
image stolen from askmenanswers.com

image stolen from askmenanswers.com

(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)

They were at El Prado. He had mineral water. She had dry Riesling. So I have to ask you something, she said.

He knew what was coming but pretended not to. Go ahead.

Are you really as much of an asshole as you say on your blog?

It’s factually true. Things I say happened, happened. But I leave out the parts where I’m a functioning human being most days. It’s boring to say I woke up and took a healthy shit and earned money and paid taxes. Emotional reactions are heightened. Particularly with regard to sex. For instance, I don’t literally want my mouth and nose to be skin grafted onto a 40 year old alcoholic Cambodian woman’s asshole. Continue reading →

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