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Tag Team Reader Mailbag: Getting Young Girls Drunk

25 Jan

XXX-jug

“Juan Stabone” writes:

As a non-drinker, I encountered an absolutely galling situation twice in a period of three months: The girl is over my place, and everything’s going great. In one case I even have her tits out. Then she communicates essentially that she’s down with getting laid, but she can’t fuck me because she doesn’t have any booze in her/is not comfortable enough. Of course, all is lost after that.

fffffffffuuuuuuuu

They were both banging, banging hot. Not like the animals you (Delicioustacos) seem to have relations with. Months later, not a day has passed wherein I do not deeply regret both occasions. I have developed a minor case of PTSD.

So anyway, what kind of alcohol do I buy to get young girls drunk at my place? I assume there is some sort of fruity wine thing I can put in a sippy cup for them, but I just don’t know anything about booze.

Nikol says: Continue reading

Send Us Your Sex and Relationship Questions

23 Jan

FYI: Nikol D. S. Hasler, an expert in Teen Sex Education, and myself, an expert in having sex with uneducated teens, will field your sex & relationship questions if they’re at all inspiring.  Send submissions to: delicioustacosdotcom@gmail.com

Or leave them in the comments.

Weekend Journal 1-13-13: Piss All Over

13 Jan

I punched Astrid in the back of the head, and she pissed on me.  Her skull made a sound like a coconut.  I forget what we were fighting about.  We were drunk, obviously.  She had had a party.  I drank two bottles of Andre® Extra Dry Sparkling California Wine from the sale rack at CVS and probably a bunch of other shit.  God only knows what she put down; she drinks like an Irish coal miner.  I was wrestling with her and kind of getting on top of her and squashing her; she likes that kind of shit because she was molested.  Then I popped her one.  You need to understand that this isn’t some shit where she cries and calls the police; she likes to get hit.  I like hitting her.  Thanks, child sex predators.

Original artwork by yours truly, in Nikol's room

Original artwork by yours truly, in Astrid’s room.

Continue reading

Welcome New Readers

9 Jan

stock-footage-happy-young-women-using-a-laptop-in-a-park

“Cate” writes:

I am sure the writer of this blog falls into that anti-feminist Rooshv, Heartiste BULLSHIT category. Running around blaming women for your CLEAR shortcomings and all the problems with our society.

This blog is disgusting.
You are a fucking pig! I could go on and on, but I suspect you will contract some sort of heinous std that will make you angrier and more pitiful than you already are, and that is enough for me.

stock-footage-happy-woman-typing-on-her-laptop-in-a-park

“Eva M” writes:

Wow. How utterly disgusting. I’ve actually been checking out your blog for a while now because of a referral from a friend who thought I would find you hilarious and intelligent. First few posts I read we’re not that bad but then I come along all this shit about dating sites? What is wrong with you? Are you so emotionally damaged because no one paid attention to you as a child and this is your way of making yourself feel better? You should see a therapist. This is just sad and pathetic. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you had multiple diseases. It’s really sad that the only enjoyment you have in your life is using teenagers and manipulating women into sleeping with you. If there was a way I could do it, I’d try to find your OKC and have it removed indefinitely. You’re just a predator. I feel as a young mother of a beautiful 16 year old girl, disgusted, that if she chose to use Internet dating in the future she could run across filth like yourself. I feel bad for all the girls you’ve fooled. Although, not much can be said about Misty, seeing how she clearly lacks intelligence, due to the fact she uses the same name for everything as she does for porn. But those other poor girls… The “chubby” porn star, the random hookups you pick up from that site, “Gertrude” or whoever… The 19 year old dancer… The list goes on…
And to make matters worse, you then let people say all these horrible things about them?! No wonder you’re limited to having sex with children.

Although I realize this Misty girl is the porn star, she’s had her personal business aired out, unbeknownst to her.

Do any of the girls even know you wrote about them?! I’m sure if they found out, they’d be displeased.

As always, I appreciate your passion.

happy-woman-with-laptop

Protected: Airplane Diary: Television

2 Jan

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Old Foreign Gays

26 Dec

Will always pull the same move.  You meet a guy at a party.  Somewhere between 45 and 60.  He is from some hot climate type land where gays are hanged by vigilantes but also 10 year old boys are always getting paid to suck cock.  The developing world.

He’ll start telling you a story– these guys are always fascinating to talk to.  usually they’re married with kids.  They have had long and storied careers smuggling shit in Pakistan or whateverthefuck.  They will winkingly start telling you a story about sleeping with a hooker.  Always great to hear fuck stories from old guys, or guys from places where sexism is still OK.  There’s less dancing around the issue.  I was in Dubai; I saw the hottest Russian hooker I have ever seen, at a club– I took her back to the hotel room.  Got her clothes off– man, she can’t have been more than sixteen, tits like rocks, you know, flat stomach, beautiful skin.  The most beautiful woman I have ever touched.  And she looks me in the eye as she is taking off her panties, and…

She had a penis!

BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

And then they give you a little look, like– how ’bout it?

Park Diary: Yoga Practitioners

23 Dec
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Image stolen from some stock footage web site

I came back out to the park even though it is god damn motherfucking freezing, because there are two girls doing yoga, in yoga pants, on the grass.  I came out so I could look at their asses.

They are going to look over here and see me looking.  Fortunately this laptop gives me legitimacy.  I have some ostensible purpose other than leering at their asses in their yoga pants.  That’s right– stand on one foot, grab the other foot, lean forward.  You are bumbling.  You are going to fall over.  Your expression of physical vulnerability is delightful.  Also, I commend you for your commitment to flexibility and health.  Your yoga pants are being consumed by your ass crack.  Your buttocks are meaty and robust.  You are in fact slightly heavier than one would expect for someone so committed to yoga.  This is an asset.  You are the kind of girl with whom one thinks he has a shot.  By retaining a slight layer of padding, you are not pricing yourself out of the market.  I think that if I met you through a friend I would talk to you and charm you and you would end up drunk on red wine in my filthy apartment cozying up and watching The Dark Crystal on my Xbox before I ate you out on the carpet and got rug burns on my knees.  If you were thinner I’d assume you wanted someone with money. Continue reading

Warwick Davis Speaks to His Agent on the Day The Lord of the Rings Films Are Announced: A Play in One Act

19 Dec

warwick-davis

“… yes, I’ll hold… hello? Clive? Clive! Have you seen the bloody papers? Today’s the day! This is what we’ve been waiting for! Fur coats, Clive! Cars! Jesus, Imagine the wome–

“What?

“Wait, so they’re using… with forced… what? Oh. Oh….

“I… yes, yes it’s fine. ‘Back 2 Tha Hood’ this one’s called… very well. Let me know when the plane’s booked.”

A small hand throws a Bible in the trash.

I Wish I Had a Gigantic Wang

1 Dec

I feel like a lot of shit would bother me less.  I feel like I wouldn’t be as concerned about whether it had been too long since I had used a Biore deep cleansing pore strip; the filth and visibility of my pores.  I feel like I wouldn’t be so concerned with my meager paycheck and doomed career prospects, because, fuck it, at least I have a huge wang.

Protected: 2012 California and Los Angeles Voter Guide

6 Nov

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