Archive | January, 2013

Loser Diary: Text Message

22 Jan

I’m thinking about texting her.  Every time I text her, I think about it.  This means I have already lost.  The part of you that thinks is not the part that gets you laid.  The part of you that games, and strategizes.  You had already lost it two steps back, if you have to communicate in a way you don’t really feel.  But what do I really feel.  I like you.  But you better fuck me. Continue reading

OKCupid: One Hundred Messages Per Day

20 Jan

you are not ugly

This is a conversation with a friend of mine the day OKcupid blocked everybody’s pictures for their stupid “Crazy Blind Date” promotion.

I want you to remember this.  She gets over one hundred messages per day.  She is in her 30’s.  One hundred messages per day.  She is a single mother. One hundred messages per day.  She lists her body type as “a little extra.”  One hundred messages per day.  Her “looking for” only lists “friends.”  She gets one hundred messages per day.  You get zero messages per day. Continue reading

Protected: Getting Fired Diary: To Whoever Has to Monitor My Internet Activity

18 Jan

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Reader Mailbag: What Are You Gonna Do

16 Jan

Various concerned readers ask:

Did you get fired yet?  When are you getting fired?  Do you know what you’re going to do for a job?  Are you scared? Etc.

depression unemployment

I’m still working, but not for long.  Any day.  I have found no job, and that’s because I want no job.  I want to be unemployed. I want to take a break and write all day, and fuck you, that’s what I’m gonna do.  Not “fuck you” as in you, but you know, naysayers.  I have fear and insecurity about it, that my writing won’t be any good.  But fuck you, it will be good.  Or at least, it’ll start out at whatever level it’s at and, one hopes, get better as I practice.  Because what you’re seeing is 25 minutes per day.  Maybe an hour on the weekends.  As soon as I get a good idea going I have to get up and go do some work related shit.  No more.
Continue reading

Weekend Journal 1-13-13: Piss All Over

13 Jan

I punched Astrid in the back of the head, and she pissed on me.  Her skull made a sound like a coconut.  I forget what we were fighting about.  We were drunk, obviously.  She had had a party.  I drank two bottles of Andre® Extra Dry Sparkling California Wine from the sale rack at CVS and probably a bunch of other shit.  God only knows what she put down; she drinks like an Irish coal miner.  I was wrestling with her and kind of getting on top of her and squashing her; she likes that kind of shit because she was molested.  Then I popped her one.  You need to understand that this isn’t some shit where she cries and calls the police; she likes to get hit.  I like hitting her.  Thanks, child sex predators.

Original artwork by yours truly, in Nikol's room

Original artwork by yours truly, in Astrid’s room.

Continue reading

Business Review: Planet Fitness, Somerville Massachusetts

10 Jan

I didn’t know it was the one with the “Lunk Alarm.”  I was just going with my brother because he had a free pass.  But it turns out Planet Fitness is the chain that made news a few years back for not allowing grunting.  Not allowing overly strenuous barbell exercises, weight dropping or general steel on steel clangor, and above all else banning “judging.”  Signs everywhere in the purple and yellow interior remind you that this is a Judgement Free Zone.  You are not to judge, lest ye be judged.  Except for the biggest sign, which reminds you that it’s also a Lunk Free Zone, and there’s a big purple police gumball mounted above the definition of a Lunk, which is anyone who grunts, drops weights, or judges.  You may judge Lunks.  In fact, you are supposed to set off an alarm if a Lunk grunts in earshot.

lunk-alarm

Fine, I don’t give a fuck.  I don’t drop weights; I wouldn’t dare waste the eccentric resistance. Lower that shit all slow and controlled.  I will try not to grunt, although I can’t promise anything.  Because it’s been several days since I’ve lifted and this means today must be squat and deadlift day.  I’ve been known to have difficulty stifling a grunt as a dremel tool chews the bone behind my kneecaps and a family of rats eat their way out of my pelvis as I’m deadlifting.  That shit is fucking painful but there is no substitute.  In the world outside Planet Fitness, if my ass is unlike the twin meaty cinder blocks sported by a nude Khal Drogo, I will be judged.  So, I’ll try to keep it under control but in any case let’s find a 45 pound bar and some plates and get to it. Continue reading

Welcome New Readers

9 Jan

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“Cate” writes:

I am sure the writer of this blog falls into that anti-feminist Rooshv, Heartiste BULLSHIT category. Running around blaming women for your CLEAR shortcomings and all the problems with our society.

This blog is disgusting.
You are a fucking pig! I could go on and on, but I suspect you will contract some sort of heinous std that will make you angrier and more pitiful than you already are, and that is enough for me.

stock-footage-happy-woman-typing-on-her-laptop-in-a-park

“Eva M” writes:

Wow. How utterly disgusting. I’ve actually been checking out your blog for a while now because of a referral from a friend who thought I would find you hilarious and intelligent. First few posts I read we’re not that bad but then I come along all this shit about dating sites? What is wrong with you? Are you so emotionally damaged because no one paid attention to you as a child and this is your way of making yourself feel better? You should see a therapist. This is just sad and pathetic. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you had multiple diseases. It’s really sad that the only enjoyment you have in your life is using teenagers and manipulating women into sleeping with you. If there was a way I could do it, I’d try to find your OKC and have it removed indefinitely. You’re just a predator. I feel as a young mother of a beautiful 16 year old girl, disgusted, that if she chose to use Internet dating in the future she could run across filth like yourself. I feel bad for all the girls you’ve fooled. Although, not much can be said about Misty, seeing how she clearly lacks intelligence, due to the fact she uses the same name for everything as she does for porn. But those other poor girls… The “chubby” porn star, the random hookups you pick up from that site, “Gertrude” or whoever… The 19 year old dancer… The list goes on…
And to make matters worse, you then let people say all these horrible things about them?! No wonder you’re limited to having sex with children.

Although I realize this Misty girl is the porn star, she’s had her personal business aired out, unbeknownst to her.

Do any of the girls even know you wrote about them?! I’m sure if they found out, they’d be displeased.

As always, I appreciate your passion.

happy-woman-with-laptop