Who cares if he’s into you. There is nothing special about this dude. There are dudes around every corner. We live in a universe of cock. If you want to meet another dude, simply go to any place, any time, ever, and there will be a shitload of lonely dudes there.
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Diary: I Need to Get Laid
2 MarI could have fucked her. If I had played my cards right. If I had gone for the makeout earlier. I got her back to my house. I got her shirt off, anyway, although she kept buttoning her pants back up. But when I was kind of kissing around her hipbones, she was getting really hot. So, I should have played it better. I should have gotten those pants off. I could have done it. I could have gotten her hot enough to get her pants off, and then I would have fucked her. And I would be just as hung over, just as sleep-deprived, just as tired, but I would have gotten laid.
Because now I need to get laid. Getting laid by a new woman is like methadone and my maintenance dose is running out. Last new girl I fucked was the end of January. So that’s how long it lasts. About a month. About a month between fucking a new chick and feeling again like I’m completely undesirable. Continue reading
When Women
22 Febsay they “like nerdy guys,” they mean a guy in an indie rock band who gets laid more than Tiger Woods, but wears the black glasses like the Central Casting nerd. And when you take them off, it’s like when the “ugly” chick takes off her glasses in that Freddy Prinze Jr. movie. In other words, they’re not talking about you.
Reader Mailbag: How to Be Attractive to Women
15 Feb(REDACTED) asks:
Long time lurker, first time poster. Needless to say, I love your writing. My question is, “As a guy, what should I do short-term and long-term to increase my attractiveness to the opposite sex?” Please answer the converse question about what a woman can do to increase her attractiveness. Don’t give obvious answers like “hit the gym.”
Well, look, do hit the gym. Don’t forget how shallow women are, in case you think they’re not. Women are great about systematically lying to themselves and everyone else about everything, and they have this collective con set up where we think they care most about confidence, personality, etc. Women and men are much more alike in shallowness than people seem to think– women like a chiseled jaw, a small nose, pumpkinseed shaped deltoids, visible obliques, etc. etc. The standards for an attractive male body are much more exacting than they are for women. You better have less than ten per cent body fat, which is physically not so tough but psychologically impossible to maintain unless you take speed. But get close. Do hit the gym. Make yourself look as good and stylish as you possibly can.
And then there’s the whole other part. Things having to do with extroversion and self-assurance and etc., which all boils down to: the way to be attractive to women is to already be fucking other women. I get that it’s kind of hard to separate cause and effect here– maybe the guys who are fucking other women are just intrinsically more attractive, but— I don’t know, I’m gonna get religious here for a second: I really do believe they can “smell it on you.” Walk into a party with a hot chick and walk in solo and see the difference in the way other women treat you. Just like you have to have seed money to get rich, you have to already be getting laid to get laid. Continue reading
Girls Who Like to Get Fake Raped
2 FebI have a friend who has a rape buddy. She texts him with a few hours notice, and at some point that night he comes over, fakes breaking into her house, and fake rapes her. Knowing her she probably screams her fool head off and is completely committed to yelling “no” and “stop” and fighting back, etc., and basically— like, I bet she did not arrange with him to back off when she says “banana.” Once she hits send, the rape train is coming to town.
Obviously, this is weird, but this is the kind of girl who had a real rough life and you sort of expect these things. Similarly my college ex girlfriend lost her virginity by being gang raped at fifteen and she used to beg me to fake rape her. I couldn’t do it without cracking up. It seemed to me like the dude who studies karate and when you’re drunk he says “punch me.” Like, no, it doesn’t work that way. How about some time in the next few weeks I’m going to come up behind you and punch you when you least expect it. Some time in the next month a van will pull up and a masked man will throw you in back and he will not stop when you say “banana.” And it might not even be me. I might farm this one out. You think it’s going to be me, but in fact it’s my roommate McClure and I’m getting him back for that case of Yuengling he bought.
Anyway, this came up again last night because I went on a first date with a girl who likes to get fake raped. Needs to get fake raped. It came up early, as these things often don’t— I forget what we were even talking about beforehand but she came out with how she had to dump a guy because he was too much of a pussy to choke her. She was saying that it’s a symptom of the decline of manliness basically— men are too pussified to hold a girl down and smack her around, and that’s what women really want. Her, anyway. To get choked once in a while and held down and fucked even if they say no. It felt like a let’s-get-this-out-of-the-way-early thing. And it kind of felt like a don’t-stop-fucking-me-when-I-say-no-later kind of thing.
Continue reading
OKCupid: Girls with no pictures part 2: the trollening
25 Jan
I am being successfully trolled by a fake OKCupid account purporting to be a 21 year old local woman. I am aware that I am being trolled; that somewhere on my beloved Reddit or 4chan or some other message board a neckbeard in Saskatchewan is eagerly awaiting my showing up at some place with a security camera that he’s hacked into, ready to photoshop my face into foreveralone.jpg. Or it’s Chris Hansen. The girl is going to casually drop at some point in the conversation—a 15 email thread by now, which I would never tolerate except this troll is just so god damn motherfucking masterful—she is going to casually drop that she is actually 17 years old but her parents are gone for a long weekend now that Tahoe finally has snow and would I like to come over and bring a nice bottle of wine; her tastes are surprisingly sophisticated for such a young girl… I’m going to go and be told “have a seat” and after tearfully insisting that I was just there to warn her I’ll be told that I’m free to go only to be unceremoniously tackled to the sprinkler-muddy turf by a Whittier police sergeant built like Butterbean. They won’t have to ask me “if you’re here to warn her, why did you bring condoms?” Because of course I won’t be bringing fucking condoms. Fucking a 17 year old with a condom would be like looking at the Sistine Chapel through glass security block. Continue reading
OKCupid: Girls with no pictures
25 JanYou got two options: she’s either never going to give you the picture, or she’s going to be ugly. That’s it. And yet I bite, every single fucking time. I get a message from a girl who is pixellated out or black bar over the face or simply, you know, an Ansel Adams photograph or some shit and I bite every time. Because I have to know.
And no matter how many times—it’s either nothing, or ugly, every single fucking time—I still can’t just trust myself and internalize the fucking rule. I can’t take a second and reason with myself. Like, anyone who doesn’t list their body type– do you think they have a spectacular fit body? A guy who doesn’t list his height- do you think he’s dunking on (I cannot name a single defensive NBA player)? Do you think a dude who doesn’t list his income is hiding Mitt Romney levels of untaxed capital gains in the Caymans and that’s why it’s gotta be a secret? No. No. If someone is not explicit about a piece of information on OKC it is because whatever quality they’re hiding is a liability to the point of freakishness. Continue reading
New Book
delicioustacos 