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Back from the Pussy War

31 Jan

I’m back from the pussy war. This is the war that men fight for 20 years, starting at around age 15.  Maybe sooner.  You spend 20 years thinking about nothing but pussy, how to get pussy, I need new pussy, where is there going to be pussy.  You get out there in the trenches and you battle for pussy, you learn about the enemy, you try to take them down.

Now I’m thirty-five and a half and some hormonal switch has been thrown.  Maybe it’s just age, maybe it’s my job crushing it out of me—who knows.  But I no longer give a shit about pussy. I’m back from the pussy war. Continue reading →

Protected: OKCupid: Fatties

29 Jan

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Miranda Catches the Gay

25 Jan

Cynthia Nixon recently said in the NY Times that she “chose” to be gay, which caused controversy and people freaking out and etc. To all of which Andrew Sullivan responds:

“My own view is that female sexuality is inherently more fluid than male sexuality, and that lesbians and bisexual women, because they are less fixated on crude physical signals for arousal, have more of a choice than men, gay or straight, in their choice of loved ones. I think this is about the difference between lesbian identity and gay male identity. For all the attempt to corral us into one vowel-free liberal conglomerate, I know few communities less alike than lesbians and gay men.”

That is a beautiful and succinct way of putting it.  Let me put it another way: my sexuality is tectonic plates miles thick and thousands of miles wide grinding away beneath the earth’s crust on incomprehensibly powerful tides of magma, grinding and crushing and destroying and building up vast pressures sapped only momentarily by hellfire explosions and earth-shattering quakes that ruin civilizations and crush lives. Your sexuality, womankind, is a toy house made of toothpicks and gumdrops that you can disassemble and restructure on a whim. Your sexuality is as the mustard seed, small and unassuming but capable of flowering into something beautiful, delicate and complex under exactly the right circumstances.  My sexuality is the fucking SUN. Continue reading →

OKCupid: Girls with no pictures part 2: the trollening

25 Jan

I am being successfully trolled by a fake OKCupid account purporting to be a 21 year old local woman.  I am aware that I am being trolled; that somewhere on my beloved Reddit or 4chan or some other message board a neckbeard in Saskatchewan is eagerly awaiting my showing up at some place with a security camera that he’s hacked into, ready to photoshop my face into foreveralone.jpg.  Or it’s Chris Hansen.  The girl is going to casually drop at some point in the conversation—a 15 email thread by now, which I would never tolerate except this troll is just so god damn motherfucking masterful—she is going to casually drop that she is actually 17 years old but her parents are gone for a long weekend now that Tahoe finally has snow and would I like to come over and bring a nice bottle of wine; her tastes are surprisingly sophisticated for such a young girl… I’m going to go and be told “have a seat” and after tearfully insisting that I was just there to warn her I’ll be told that I’m free to go only to be unceremoniously tackled to the sprinkler-muddy turf by a Whittier police sergeant built like Butterbean.  They won’t have to ask me “if you’re here to warn her, why did you bring condoms?” Because of course I won’t be bringing fucking condoms.  Fucking a 17 year old with a condom would be like looking at the Sistine Chapel through glass security block. Continue reading →

OKCupid: Girls with no pictures

25 Jan

You got two options: she’s either never going to give you the picture, or she’s going to be ugly.  That’s it.  And yet I bite, every single fucking time.  I get a message from a girl who is pixellated out or black bar over the face or simply, you know, an Ansel Adams photograph or some shit and I bite every time.  Because I have to know.

And no matter how many times—it’s either nothing, or ugly, every single fucking time—I still can’t just trust myself and internalize the fucking rule.  I can’t take a second and reason with myself.  Like, anyone who doesn’t list their body type– do you think they have a spectacular fit body?  A guy who doesn’t list his height- do you think he’s dunking on (I cannot name a single defensive NBA player)?  Do you think a dude who doesn’t list his income is hiding Mitt Romney levels of untaxed capital gains in the Caymans and that’s why it’s gotta be a secret?  No.  No.  If someone is not explicit about a piece of information on OKC it is because whatever quality they’re hiding is a liability to the point of freakishness. Continue reading →

To my future son, part 3

24 Jan

The feeling of being in love with someone who loves you back is literally unattainable.  Because the very fact of being in love with someone makes them not love you. Your choices are:

A) Unrequited love

or

B) Cool apathy that gets you the person you thought you wanted, but because of the apathy necessary to get them, you don’t want them anymore.

That’s it. There is no other option. One party will always have contempt for the other. Your choice is to be the contemptuous or the contemptible. You don’t want either one?  Too bad.  I don’t want Sudanese kids getting kidnapped and enslaved but them’s the fucking breaks. Whatever you feel, that you think will bring you joy, will only work against you. Until you DIE. From BEES.  BEES with AIDS.