It’s funny that the kind of porn I want to watch– young, attractive people who appear to actually like each other having sex in non-gymnastic positions until he ejaculates in her– it’s funny that this is a fetish. Specifically, if you don’t want to see a guy blow a fire-hydrant like load on a chicks face while she pretends to lick it up from around her mouth, you must watch “creampie” porn, which started out as just, you know, regular fucking except the guy blows his load inside her, and has devolved now into a whole subgenre where the girl lets the jizz dribble out of her gaping ass into a martini glass which is on top of a plexiglass coffee table so you can shoot from below, and then drinks out of the glass. Or it’s one of those fake “amateur” porns that reintroduces theatrical acting into the porn, a scenario where the girl repeatedly says “don’t cum inside me don’t cum inside me” and then he cums inside her, albeit holding his dick so only the very tip is in her to insure the jizz remains fully visible as the camera cuts to it oozing out before panning up to the girl’s face where she is cartoonishly slanting her eyebrows into an “angry” expression while berating him. You can’t just have a couple fucking and then he starts going a little faster, then suddenly grabs her real hard and pushes into her while holding her in a deathgrip like a koala bear on a eucalyptus and makes a dopey face likes he’s taking a shit and then relaxes. Which is all I want to do in life, you know, just cum in a chick and then relax. But you can’t see that in porn. Continue reading
The Legend of Zelda
17 MarGoing out and trying to meet a girl at a bar is like, when in Legend of Zelda, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why Legend of Zelda sucked.
Diary: Sitting in the Park
16 MarOK. Sitting in the park. Opted to write over playing guitar. This is therefore the one day when a hot available chick would have been walking in the park, heard my magnificent guitar playing, stopped and talked to me, and then had sex with me. Stayed with me for all my long days and borne me many children. Now instead I will die alone.
Hey Everybody:
15 MarShut the fuck up about grammar. Especially shut the fuck up about “they’re,” “their” and “there” and “you’re” and “your.” And especially especially shut the fuck up about textspeak. We lost that battle. As a society, we lost the fight; in the future, we are all going to be using “r” for “are” and “u” for “you” and generally constructing sentences as though we were building a custom license plate.
Shut the fuck up in a general sense with grammar prescriptivism, because: the people who you think need your message most are never, ever going to listen to you. You are pushing Zionism to a guy wearing an explosive vest. You are pitching a Palestinian homeland to a guy who can’t turn the lights on on Saturdays and won’t touch a strange woman just in case she’s menstruating. You are never going to make even one iota of headway and there is nothing more irritating on Earth than a self-appointed copy editor.
Reader Mailbag: BF Out of My League
15 Mar(REDACTED) asks:
I guess I want to know why an incredible good looking man would date an average looking woman…I met a hot as hell man who should be dating a supermodel and for some reason he has an interest in me, he’s not pushing sex at all, so I dont think its him thinking I’m desperate and he could easily get into my pants…he just wants to hang out and gives me amazing kisses. I dont get it. I’m an hour away, I dont drive, I dont have a job and I’m very average looking and a little chubby. I’m just not sure how to proceed with him.
Uh, who cares? Pussy is pussy. Or in your case, dick is dick. Or, non-dick is non-dick, since you say he isn’t using you for sex.
Wait, why is that a good thing, that he isn’t fucking you. That he isn’t “pushing” to fuck you. Fucking is good.
I mean, I don’t know why he wants to date you. But who cares. I used to think that all the time—why on earth would this girl want to be with me, etc. Every time. Every time they would stop dating me. No good can ever come of thinking this. Continue reading
Every Heterosexual
14 Marguy you know would give a million dollars to stack Prussian Blue circa 2007 on top of one another and have at it. If you don’t believe this, you don’t understand men.
STD’s
13 MarI had an STD once. It was “non-gonococcal urethritis.” This means- something is in your dick, hurting it, and we know that it is not gonorrhea. We don’t know what it is, but we know what it isn’t. Thanks science.
I took a bunch of antibiotics for it. It still did not go away. This was terrifying of course. I went to doctor after doctor, had my dickhole abrasively rubbed against microscope slides, had a guy milk my fucking prostate to test if some identifiable virus was lurking in the very most profound depths of my well of pre-cum— no. Nothing. I was terrified, but every doctor was just like: “meh.” Don’t worry about it. Sometimes this shit happens, and eventually it just goes away.
Really? Because I was told that if you get an STD you will carry it for life, infect everyone you ever look at, and then when the poor chick goes to have a baby 20 years from now its eyes will come out sealed shut with massive grapelike clusters of warts and the fucking thing will meekly flail its Chernobyl flippers before exploding and taking out 20 city blocks, and it will all be your fault. I was told that if you even think about sticking your dick in someone without a condom, a dental dam, spermicidal jelly, and the pill you will instantly get AIDS and impregnate the girl with a spider’s nest full of three-headed demons.
To Noelle, on the Occasion of Her Underboob Tattoo
12 MarI am going to build a high school guidance counselor’s office. Every motivational poster, every prop, everything. I’m going to put on a cardigan and tie.
Every so often I’m going to call you in. I will be looking forward to this bright spot in my week. You are one of our most promising students— not like the rest of these pregnant, glue-sniffing fuckups. You’re smart and pleasant and goddamn can you put a sentence together. Maybe you’ll be a journalist, or a lawyer or something. Or a congresswoman!
You will walk in and I will not be able to hide the gleefully expectant look on my face as I ask what you’ve been up to lately.
After you leave, I will sob quietly into my travel mug for hours.
You Should Message Me If
10 MarYou have to live in Echo Park. Or at least not fucking Venice, I mean come on. You can’t be an actress. You can’t not smoke. At least, you can’t be one of those girls who won’t even take a drag after three glasses of wine. Because if you’re one of them, I know you’ll never fuck me. You have to be better looking than me. You have to be downright good looking, even though I am not that good looking. I am in crazy shape though. I don’t give a shit if you’re out of shape. I’m not going to ask you to lift anything.
I don’t give a shit about your money, job or car. But you may give a shit about my money, job and car. I have no money, a shitty job, and my car is worth $800. It’s primer colored, and the seat belt, windows, sunroof and A/C are all broken. Or rather, the A/C works but only when it’s not hot. And someone jacked my stereo. And the car is older than you. You have to be younger than my car.
I don’t care what you think of my cat but you can’t be allergic to cats. I care about your relationship with your dog, meaning—shut the fuck up about your dog. I like dogs but I don’t like you if you have too many pictures of your dog. Believe me, the fucking thing is sick of being your boyfriend. Stop putting up pictures of him. I will not be dating your dog. Unless I’m sure you’re good and passed out.
New Book
delicioustacos 